


Disillusions of Innocence

by ctbn60



Category: Bandfiction, Metallica
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-21
Updated: 2010-08-21
Packaged: 2017-10-11 04:47:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 58,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/108563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ctbn60/pseuds/ctbn60
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: The loss of innocence by different means.</p><p>Notes: The story was originally written by myself and another author doing an experiment with POV. I did Lars and she did James. That story can be found on another archive. E-mail me if interested. This version is a stand-alone of Lars POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Disillusions of Innocence

Disillusions of Innocence  
By Selursera, Loracea, ctbn60

Rating: NC-17 - Slash   
Pairing: Lars/Jan James/Lars Lars/others.  
Summary: The loss of innocence by different means.

Disclaimers: This is a figment of my imagination. It did not happen and I'm not suggesting it did. The story is totally fictional. The characters within are made up and put in totally hypothetical situations. There are some very serious things going on here...underage sex with consent. Rape. This isn't a pretty story

Notes: The story was originally written by myself and another author doing an experiment with POV. I did Lars and she did James. That story can be found on another archive. E-mail me if interested. This version is a stand-alone of Lars POV.

*Note on pronunciation for the single language speakers of you. Jan is pronounced 'Yaan' :-)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Denmark March ~ 1979

"40 love, that's game, set, match to Ulrich," The announcers voice boomed over the loud speakers. As the crowd cheered in the stadium I could feel myself getting more and more excited. I loved the attention the applause, and they were all for me.

Awesome, this was fucking awesome! Fuck, this felt great! I looked into the audience and saw the proud looks on the faces of my parents. Lone and Torben were both happy and smiling for a change, instead of being at one another's throats.

I should explain. Lone and Torben are my mom and dad and they don't really get along. As a matter of fact, mom moved out not long ago. Actually things have been better since she left. They aren't arguing all the time and Torben has focused everything on my 'career' as the next up and coming fifteen year old tennis star of Denmark. He's actually thinking of the Olympics and if I win these next few matches, that may become a reality.

Too bad I can't tell him how I really feel. I wanted to play music - it was in my blood. I'd been playing drums since I was thirteen. I knew it was my passion - It was what I wanted to do. You would think Torben would understand, but he didn't. There were some kick ass bands Like 'Kiss' and 'Diamond Head', and this new unbelievable sound, called the 'New Wave Of British Heavy Metal' starting out in England. I wanted to be a part of it all, instead of playing tennis.

I went up to the net, extended my arm to my opponent and smiled. "Good match!" I said and nodded as he shook my hand and we both exited the courts. I had advanced to the finals and would be playing some stiff competition tomorrow. It would be an early night. The coach had put us up in a hotel nearby and I was sharing a room with Jan Elvestad.

He was two years older than I was and we had become close friends. His parents had split up too and we had a lot in common. We both really loved music and tennis, so we always had a lot to talk about. I really looked up to him. He was like a big brother and, me being an only child; I liked the attention he ravished on me. Unlike my father, he would listen when I talked.

I was walking into the dressing room and Jan came up and scooped me into his arms. "Hej, fucker. Put me down," I giggled.

"That was an awesome match, Pixie." He beamed as he swung me around.

I was angry. I hated that nickname, so I smacked him in the head. "Hey! Stop calling me that, dickhead!"

He released me and put on a sad face. "Why? I think it suits you." He smiled and I just forgot about why I was angry. Why on earth did he have that effect on me?

"Look, the coach is looking for you two, so let's get a move on!" I heard my father's voice from behind me.

"Relax Torben. I'm going," I mumbled, as he passed us.

I felt Jan pull me aside, holding onto my arm. "Lars, why do you call your Da by his first name? My Da would freak if I did that," Jan whispered into my ear.

For some reason, his hot breath on my neck made a shiver run down my spine. I collected my thoughts quickly enough to answer him, just before we made it to the coach's office "It's always been that way - for as long as I can remember." I could feel the warmth of his hand on my wrist and I looked up into his blue eyes. He had the warmest crystal blue eyes I'd ever seen and I felt like I was being pulled into them.

The coach's voice broke into my strange thoughts. "Lars, Jan, come on in here," Coach Larson called us into his office to give us his usual 'good job done' speech - or so I thought.

"I've called you two boys in here to let you know that, if you both win your matches tomorrow, I'll be taking you two, and two other boys on a three month circuit tour through Europe. Your parents have agreed to this and it'll mean 3 long months of hotels and meals on the road, but I think you boys deserve it." He smiled.

Jan was delighted. He was laughing and smiling like crazy. Me, I was excited too, but for different reasons. I needed to get away from my parents and be on my own. This would be a perfect opportunity to scout out some of that new music I'd started listening to. If I was really lucky I might even make it into a concert or two. For some reason, deep down, I didn't know what I was more excited about. Being on my own, or being alone, with Jan along. I'd looked up to him as a big brother for so long. Either way, this was real incentive for me to win my match tomorrow.

Torben put his hand on my neck and pulled me into a hug. "This is everything we've worked so hard for, Lars. It's finally going 'our' way," he said. The look on his face was one of pure pride.

I smiled at him and nodded. I couldn't do much more. Torben and I were close, really close. He was a wonderful father, but I could never tell him I would rather be playing music instead of chasing a small yellow ball around a court - especially not now, so I smiled.

I watched as Jan talked to his folks. His father hugged him and then his mother did. They were all really happy and they seemed to be getting along as a family too. Jan was one hot tennis player and I knew for sure that he would go far. I just wished I had the same confidence about myself. There were too many others out there who were better, and deep down I knew, in music I could - one day - be the best.

Jan noticed I was looking at him. "Lars, this is great! Isn't it?"

I pulled him into a hug. "The dynamic duo on the road together. There'll be no stopping us," I replied.

Coach slapped both of us on the shoulders. "My boys are going to go far, I tell you!" He was another man I would never want to disappoint.

"Ja, coach. You know we'll do our best," I said.

"I expect no less son, I expect no less," he said as he walked away.

"We need to get cleaned up, Pix...um, Lars!" Jan smiled.

"That's for sure. You stink!" I said, throwing a sock at him.

I hugged Torben and said goodnight. We were going to stay at the hotel again.

Jan and I jumped into the clubhouse shower. I soaped myself up, loving the feel of the hot water all over my tired muscles. I started to shampoo my long hair. It was a lot of work keeping it long, but Torben insisted it made a statement - damned if I knew what, though. Besides playing tennis, he is a jazz musician and his hair had always been long. He says it gives you a 'persona', an image. For me, I liked it but, it's a pain in the ass to take care of.

"This time on the road should be great, Jan," I said. "It'll be exciting to go to all the different countries."

"I'm looking forward to it," he said. I could see a gleam in his eye.

"Man! What I wouldn't give to run into some of those new bands I was telling you about!"

"Lars, this is a tennis circuit, not a rock and roll circuit," Jan chided.

"But you like the music too and of course you'll go on stake out with me? Won't you?" I gave him my best pleading expression.

"All right. All right. Only if you promise not to talk about it in front of our parents or the coach. It'll just freak them out and all. I'll go wherever you want," he said. "I just can't seem to turn you down!"

I laughed and we started talking a mile a minute about the tour. Suddenly I noticed I was doing all the talking and Jan had gotten really quiet. I turned and looked at him. He was standing there, watching me with this odd look on his face.

He was really different from the other boys at school. He was older and taller. I, of course, was short and I envied his height, but they all told me I would have a growth spurt one day. Yea right! He had already started to fill out quite nicely in the muscle department and his body was one that I really admired; long, lean legs, slender hips and the most golden blond hair you would ever want to see. I guess he was into making statements too, cause he wore it long to his shoulders. He reminded me of a fierce animal... kind of like a lion, I thought. Yes definitely a lion

I watched him as he stood there staring. Finally I threw the washrag at him, hitting him right in the face. "Hej, fucker. Where the hell are you? And why are you staring at me like that?"

The cloth fell to the floor and he blushed. The brightest shade of red flushed across his fair skin. "Pixie, can I ask you something?" he said, sounding very serious.

I walked over and picked up the wash rag. "Sure, as long as you tell me why you're acting so strange. And stop calling me that!" I smiled.

"Lars, did you ever have someone special? I mean... have you ever kissed anyone? I mean... I mean kissed a girl, or someone special?"

I looked at him, to see if he was serious. "Ja, I told you about Greta. We grew up together, and well, we kinda went out a few times before I moved to our school. She was an amazing kisser and she had the biggest tits in the neighborhood." I smiled at the fond memory. "She would even let me..."

"That's okay, Lars. I get the picture." Jan interrupted me. "But you have ever kissed anyone else, or wanted too?"

I looked away. There was no way I could ever tell him that he was the only other one I had ever even thought about kissing. I was too embarrassed. I'd only had that thought once before and he would get mad and think I was strange.

"No, there hasn't been anyone else," I lied.

My heart started pounding in my chest as he raised his hand, putting it behind my head and gently pulled me closer to him. My eyes widened and I must have looked terribly frightened because I heard him murmur in my ear. "Relax, my little Pixie. I'll never hurt you."

I couldn't tell him I wasn't frightened, just surprised, because the next thing I knew; I could feel his soft, full lips pressing against mine and my head started to spin. His lips were so soft, like silk and I could hear myself moan as they parted and he slipped his tongue into my mouth. My stomach churned and I felt, as if I was gonna heave, I was so nervous. Then his tongue met mine and I thought I could taste honey. The kiss was so sweet, my knees became weak and the room started to spin. His strong arms enfolded me and pull me into a warm embrace. I could feel his cock hard against my leg. I felt mine stiffen and I panicked. I pulled away, looked into his beautiful blue eyes; and then I ran.

My heart was pounding and I ran so fast down the hall. I was dripping wet, grabbed a towel and pulled it around my hips, covering my aching cock. " Kneppe! Kneppe Kneppe," was all I could say, over and over. I toweled off and dressed quickly, then got out of there so fast, ran across the street and into my... into 'our' hotel room and threw myself on the bed.

What the hell was I thinking? I mean, I actually enjoyed that kiss. It felt good, felt right and then I'd ran away from him. Jan looked so shocked, so hurt but I couldn't stop. Even as I thought about the kiss again, I could feel my cock getting hard. "Damn, I don't understand. I like girls." I said into the darkness. I mean, liking boys just never crossed my mind. It never bothered me, it was just something I'd never thought about - before now.

But even as the words came out, I could feel myself getting harder and I could see Jan's face before my closed eyes. I reached down and undid my shorts. Slipping my hand inside, I grasped hold of my cock and shivered as I thought of Jan in the shower, kissing me, as his body pressed against mine.

That body - his body... I began to stroke myself back and forth. I could not believe how hard his cock had felt against my leg, or how hard my cock was in response.

I stopped and pulled my shorts down, throwing them aside. I began to stroke my cock with long, hard pulls. All I could think about was that lovely kiss. I began to move my hand faster and faster, thrusting my hips as hard as I could. I could feel myself starting to come and all I could do was cry out his name, as I shot my load across my chest face hitting the wall behind me. Whoa, It was never like 'that' before.

Tears fell from my eyes as I realized that I'd probably hurt him - something I'd never want to do. He was always there for me and I'd ran away from him because I was confused and scared. I'd have to talk to him and fix things between us. The only thing I could think of was to wait up for him and talk to him tonight. I had to set things right; let him know I wasn't upset, that I really liked it - wanted it. Problem was, he never came in that night. I finally fell asleep, crying into the pillow.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The next morning, things were no better. It was late when I woke up and I could see that Jan had never come back to the room. Fuck, he must hate me. I should never have run from him. I quickly jumped into the shower and cleaned off the dried come from my body. "Damn, I'm the biggest 'fisse' alive," I shouted.

"What?" a voice came from the bedroom. "Lars, what did you say?" It was Coach Larson.

"Nothing. I'm just taking a quick shower, sir. I'll be right over to the club. I'm sorry that I'm so late," I said quickly, as I ran out of the shower, drying off with a towel.

The coach chuckled. "Relax, Lars. You've way too much energy!" He laughed. "You aren't late. Your match isn't until this afternoon."

I stopped dead in my tracks. "Oh, I'd forgotten, but Jan's match was this morning? I haven't missed it, have I?"

"No. He's up in the next set. As a matter of fact, he was worried about you and sent me over to see if you were all right. Seems his folks came back to the club and wanted him to spend the night at home. He had to leave kind of suddenly."

I brightened. "Really?" This was great news. It meant he didn't stay away from me. Maybe things were okay. "I'm going to dress and I'll be right over to watch his match."

"I'll wait for you," the coach said. "I think we need to talk about the trip, Lars"

"Talk? Sure coach, I like to talk." I smiled; wanting to put him at ease, knowing this couldn't be good news.

"Believe me, I know you do." He sighed. "Lars, I just want to make sure you're focused. It's important that you're thinking only about tennis and nothing else. Do you understand what I mean?"

I looked at him and put on my most serious 'of course I understand, coach' look. My dad must have spoken with him about my music obsession - maybe Torben was listening after all. "I will be focused, sir. I understand totally."

"Good, Son. Now let's get to that match of Jan's. Oh, by the way, you don't have a problem sharing a room with Jan during the trip, do you?"

"No problem at all," I said, while thinking, Fuck! I wouldn't have it any other way.

"I thought that would make you happy. Now get a move on. We don't want to be late." I followed the coach back to the clubhouse. Jan was in the warm-up room and he only had a few minutes before he went out onto the court.

"Coach, can I talk to Jan a second?"

"Lars, you should let him get psyched. Can't it wait until after the match?"

I peered in the doorway and Jan looked way too sad. "Please? I promise to be quick," I pleaded.

"Okay, go ahead, but make it quick. I'll be on the court." I watched the coach leave and walked into the warm-up room, shutting the door behind me. "Jan?" I said softly.

He turned around and looked relieved to see me. "Lars! Man, I'm so sorry about last night. I never meant to hurt you. I would never do that. I just thought you... I mean, I wanted to for such a long time... and I couldn't stop. I'm sorry. If I've lost you as a friend, I'll never forgive myself."

Damn, he looked so sad. "You haven't lost my friendship, I waited up for you last night so we could talk. When you didn't come, I thought you wouldn't want to see me again."

"My little Pixie. I could never stop wanting to see you. I had to go home. I'm sorry." He looked into my eyes. "You were crying, weren't you? God, what I've done to you."

I put my fingers to his lips. "No, no," I said. "I cried because I thought I'd lost you when you didn't come back. I thought I had hurt 'you'."

"You mean, you aren't disgusted with what I did?" He looked like the life was coming back to his eyes.

"No," I said softly and I kissed him. "Now go! You have this match to win and we can talk after." I smiled and punched him in the arm.

I watched as a huge smile came across his face. He twirled his racket in his hand and kissed me hard on the lips. "Pixie, this one's for you," he said as he ran out onto the courts. I smiled and went to the player's box to watch him win, in six straight sets.

He was awesome and he burned up the courts. When it was over, he was swept up in a whirlwind of interviews and meetings. My sets were up and I stood in the warm-up room, thinking of him. I knew I had to win. For me, for him... for us. My competition was tough and I was so caught up in my thoughts, I never heard him come in.

"Pixie!" I jumped three feet.

"Hej, fucker. I told you not to call me that!"

"Ja, but you are 'my' Pixie and I'll never stop," he said, scooping me into his arms and twirling me around, but instead of dropping me on my feet, he slowly slid me down his body and, once again, kissed me softly on the lips. "Go kick the fucker's ass. For me, Pixie," he whispered in my ear.

I twirled my racket. The fucker didn't stand a chance!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Chapter 2

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

YES! I'd won. It was all over and I'd fucking won!! This was better than I expected - the press and the attention. I loved it! It was the best rush you could ask for. Of course, our parents insisted on a large celebration. There was this great little jazz club, not far from the hotel and we were all going to head over there after I'd showered and changed.

I looked around for Jan and found him talking to some of the senior players. I smiled at him and headed for the showers. Damn, this was fucking great; I was on such a high. I couldn't stop thinking about him and my cock started to get hard again. Of course, some of my teammates picked that time to come into the shower. Fuck, this was embarrassing.

"Hey, Lars get a fucking move on will ya!" I could hear Jan calling from the locker room. "I want to party!"

"I'm coming, asshole," I yelled as I wrapped a towel around my waist. I could hear some of the other guys snickering and making comments. Even though I was small for my age, I wasn't lacking in the endowment department - okay I had a big cock. I got ribbed about it all the time. Actually, I thought it was cool...really cool, besides, I'm sure they were just jealous.

I dried off quickly and threw on my clothes. Jan grabbed my hand and led me down the tunnel to the exit. Just before we reached the end, he pulled me into a corner. I could see his eyes twinkling as he leaned his body against mine and stared into my eyes.

"You did good today, Pixie," he said softly and he kissed me on the nose.

Shit, my cock was throbbing again. "Damn, do you know what you do to me?"

He rubbed his body against mine. "Ja, Pix, I think I do." He kissed me again. God, the fucker knew how to kiss. Then he suddenly pulled away and I still stood there with my eyes closed and my lips throbbing and he smacked me.

My eyes shot opened. "What'd the fuck did you do that for?"

Jan grabbed my hand and pulled me out the door. "Someone's coming, Lars. Let's go," he said, as he started to laugh.

I rubbed my cheek, pretending to be mad. "That hurt!" I pouted as Jan yanked my arm again and pulled me into a taxi.

"Our parents left for the club, I told them we would meet them there. Club 69," Jan told the driver. "Now where were we?" He pulled me into another kiss.

I gasped for breath as he pulled away. "Trying to do me in? I do need to breathe, you know?"

"Do you?" he said, as he started to tickle me. Fuck, I was finished. I was so damn ticklish, by the time we made it to the club; I was rolling on the floor, screaming, with tears falling from my eyes.

Jan threw the driver enough money to cover the fare and we started to head into the club. Before we went inside, Jan pulled me over to the side. His face looked very serious and I was worried. It seemed like it took him forever to speak and I was sure he had bad news.

"Lars, um...I don't really know how to ask you this," he started. Fuck, was he having second thoughts? He looked so serious. "It's just that in front of my parents... well, I mean they don't know I like you, the way I do." He stopped and looked at me. "Do you understand?"

I giggled and I could see he was pissed. "You mean they don't know you prefer guys?"

"Fuck, Lars, all I know is I love you and care for you. But my parents aren't like yours." He looked away from me.

I couldn't see why he was so upset. I pulled his chin so he was facing me. "Hey, it's cool man. In front of the folks, we cool it. I don't mind. Besides, Torben may be open-minded but Lone might freak a little... who am I kidding? She'd freak a lot. She wants grandchildren, lots of them! I hear it from both her and my grandma. Nana loves to pinch my cheeks and tell me I'll make such pretty babies some day."

Before I knew it, Jan had hold of both of my cheeks, pinching them. "You would make beautiful babies, my Pixie!" He laughed and pulled me inside.

The club was dark and loud and we finally found our folks and the coaches, crowded around a huge table near the front. Torben was up on stage, jamming with some of his friends and he waved to us.

We sat down and Jan's dad handed us two beers. I looked at mom. I mean, I'd drank once or twice, but never really in front of them, besides, beer tasted like shit! She smiled and nodded it was okay. I took a swig and still thought it tasted shit, but I was thirsty and finished it really quickly. Jan's dad snuck me another one. After the third one, we got caught.

"Ah... it's good for the boy, It'll put hair on his chest," his dad said, slapping me hard on the back. I spilled half the fucking glass. Mom just gave me one of her looks. I stopped after the third one, but at fifteen, I was feeling really good by the time I finished it.

The music was great and I loved to dance. I grabbed Jan's hand and pulled him onto the dance floor. Men always danced together where we lived, so I didn't think it would be a problem. Jan laughed and we grooved to the music.

"Hey, Lars, I thought you didn't like this shit!"

"What?" I yelled. I couldn't hear a word he was saying.

"I thought you liked that NWOBHM sound," he screamed.

I nodded, "I like all kinds of music," I shouted back at him.

He shook his head and put his hand to his ear, so I would know he didn't hear me. Fuck, I swore. I grabbed his hand and pulled him into the restroom.

"I LIKE ALL KINDS OF MUSIC!" I shouted.

He punched me in the arm. "You don't have to shout, fucker. I can hear you now!"

The music had been so loud outside, that I hadn't noticed you could hardly hear it in the bathroom. I giggled and touched his cheek. "You know, Jan, you have really beautiful eyes," I told him.

Just then some old guy ran outta the bathroom stall. "Fucking, fags!" he mumbled and left the john as quickly as he could.

We both burst out laughing. I held my sides, they hurt so much, then I realized, I really had to pee. I started to un-button my pants and pulled down the zipper.

"Lars, you're taking that out for me in here?" Jan's voice told me he was slightly drunk, himself, and he was pulling my leg.

"I gotta pee, dickhead," I snapped as I pulled my dick out. Jan leaned over my shoulder; resting his head against mine.

"Can I help?" he teased.

"You do that and I'll never pee!" I grinned.

"Fuck, Pixie!" Jan said. His voice sounded odd, and he was staring at my dick.

I'd finished peeing and with Jan leaning over me like that, my cock started to get hard. I looked down, thinking something was wrong.

"Fuck, man. I should have never nicknamed you Pixie!" I turned to look at him and his eyes widened, but they were still locked on my dick.

"Very funny, asshole," I laughed and pushed him off of my shoulder, then I got a great idea. I pulled him into a stall and kissed him. The taste of beer on our tongues was still gross, but I didn't care. There was something that made me feel wild. All I could think of, was sticking my tongue as far down Jan's throat as possible.

I think I took him by surprise. I expected him to protest, but all he did was lock the stall door. I was shorter than him and had to stand on my toes, but I managed to kiss him on his neck, licking and biting like Greta had shown me. I loved her doing that - it drove me wild and from all of Jan's soft moaning, he seemed to like it too.

The next thing I knew, I could feel Jan's hand shifting down in between our bodies and his fingers reached into my open pants. His hand was smooth, but had a few rough spots from calluses where he gripped the racket tightly. When his hand finally found my cock, I thought I was going to come right there. My knees buckled and I fell backward onto the toilet and banged my head into the other wall.

Jan leaned forward and kissed me. "Perhaps we should wait till we get back to the hotel, Lars?" he asked. "It might be safer."

I looked down at my cock still stiff and hard, his hand wrapped around it. Fuck, this felt so good, no way was I giving this up now. "There is no fucking way I'm getting that monster back in my pants," I giggled. "You better do something or I'll have to," I pleaded, looking up at him, making my eyes open really wide. I knew he couldn't resist 'that' look.

"Ja, Pix. You have a real problem there." He smiled at me and leaned down again, brushing his lips against mine. I felt his hand tighten around my cock and start to slowly move up and down. I didn't know what to do first. My hips seemed to move and thrust forward on their own, meeting the thrust of his fist as he milked me, while my tongue tried to keep up with Jan's assault on my mouth.

"Oh, man...that feels so fucking good," I managed to moan - at least I think I did. Before I knew it, I was coming hard and I could feel myself biting my cheek so I wouldn't scream. Shit! I shot my load so far, it actually wound up flying in my face, before Jan managed to direct it onto my stomach.

I wiped the come off my face." Ewe! That is icky," I said to Jan. He just laughed and licked it off my face. "That is sick," I screamed as I giggled wildly. Then the fucker kissed me. Oh lord that tasted awful. "You fisse! That is so fucking gross," I shrieked and then pulled him in, to kiss me again.

Jan pulled away and threw me a bunch of tissues." Let's get a move on. We've been in here too long," he whispered to me.

As if on cue, his father opened the bathroom door. "Lars, Jan? Are you two messing around in here?" he yelled.

I hurried and cleaned myself up and pulled up my pants. "Ja, Da, we're in here," Jan yelled. "Lars, pretend you're throwing up," he whispered in my ear and I started making these god-awful retching sounds, in between more giggles.

"Um...it's Lars, Da. I think the beer was too much for him." Jan told his father, as we walked out of the stall together. "I was just holding his uh... hand," Jan told him.

I watched Jan smile as his Da hit me on the back. "Welcome to manhood my boy, welcome to manhood," He congratulated me. Little did he know exactly how true his words were.

We finished up the night and danced a bit more, since we didn't have a curfew because the matches were over for this week. Starting tomorrow night, we would be traveling to London for the next tourney. Everyone had a great time, we all drank and sang... I tried to sing but they gagged me. Damn, I thought I had a great singing voice. Oh well. We were going to leave for the hotel soon and I made sure that I groped Jan under the table, every chance that I got. It would be his turn when we got back to the hotel and I wanted him to suffer just a bit.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

We got back to the hotel and went to go into the front door when security stopped us.

"Hey! We're staying here, we have to go inside," Jan said to the guard,

"Yea, right kid. Tell me another story." he smirked.

Just then, the coach walked over and put his arms around us." They're telling the truth. We are staying here."

"Oh, Coach, I'm sorry I didn't know these were your boys. Please go right in. There's some fancy rock group staying here and security's a bit tight for tonight."

"That's okay," the coach said and moved us inside.

I ran back out the door. "A rock group? Which one?"

"Ah...some fancy American one, they paint their faces and stuff. I think they're called Lips," the security guy said.

"You mean, Kiss?"

"Ja, Kiss that's it,"

"Fuckin' A!" I screamed and ran back into the hotel and pulled Jan aside. "It's Kiss. They're here! In this hotel."

Jan laughed, "Ja, so?"

"So you gotta cover for me. I want to wait in the lobby and try and meet them. Even if it takes all night," I begged.

Jan grabbed my hand and squeezed it. "I thought we had plans?"

"Yea, but this is KISS! Please, I promise to make it up to you."

Jan shook his head and growled. "JA! All right I'll go talk to the coach. Wait here for me!"

I knew Jan would convince the coach, People liked Jan and wanted to do things for him. He had a powerful presence. I didn't have to wait long. Jan was on his way back over to me, when Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley walked into the hotel lobby. I didn't waste any time. I walked right up to them as they waited for the elevator.

"Excuse me, Mr. Simmons, I just wanted to say; I think you guys are the best band, and I love what you are doing with your music." Jan handed me a pen and paper. I smiled at him and held out the paper to Gene. "Do you think I could have your autograph?"

"Sure kid, and call me Gene. What's your name?" God the fucker was tall! I felt like a dwarf.

"It's Lars. This is fucking great! Your music is fucking awesome! I play the drums myself, and I'd love to be a musician some day." I saw Jan give me a strange look.

Gene handed Paul the paper and said, "Well, Lars. You should follow your dream, after all we were just a group of guys who wanted to have fun, make rock and roll, and screw beautiful women..."

"And men," Paul added, as he handed me the paper he just signed.

"Yea, whatever turns 'you' on," Gene quipped at Paul. "Like I said kid, follow your dream... it can happen. I don't know why, but I think it'll happen for you. There is a hunger in you. I can see it... good luck." They started to get in the elevator.

"Thanks, I really appreciate this," I said holding up the autograph.

"No problem, Kid. Always remember, your fans put you where you are. Never lose touch with them."

"I will," I managed to say as the elevator doors closed. I turned to Jan and he grabbed me and pulled me into the other elevator. He hit the button and leaned against the wall, staring at me. "What?" I asked, still overwhelmed by meeting two of my heroes!

He smiled. "So now you're a drummer?" He raised an eyebrow.

"I've been playing for 5 years!" I laughed. "You know I want to play music more than anything."

He pulled me into his arms. "More than anything?" he asked me.

"Well maybe not anything, right now." He kissed me. "I did say I would pay special attention to you didn't I?"

The elevator doors opened and he pulled me down the hall and into our room. "Ja, you did." He said as he opened our door; I walked inside with him following close behind. "So what do you have in mind?"

I must have turned ten shades of red. "I...well, I guesss... I um...could...well like in the bathroom...and I.." Jan just laughed at me. "Fisse! You know I don't know what to do!" We both laughed.

He sat on the bed and pulled me and I fell on top of him. His cock was so hard against my thigh, I could feel my own cock get hard right away. "That's okay, I'll teach you," he purred as he started to kiss me down my neck.

"Oh, and when did you get to know so much about sex?" I laughed.

Jan just kept kissing me. "I, (kiss) guess, (kiss) we'll, (kiss) have to, (kiss) learn together." Jan stopped kissing me and went to the dresser. He pulled out several magazines and threw them at me.

"What the fuck are these?" I asked, sitting up.

"We'll look at them. They'll help us," he replied.

I leaned against the headboard and started looking through them. "Jan, these are gay magazines." I looked at the pictures and started giggling. There were two men giving each other head. "Hm, I like that one," I said out loud.

"Stop laughing, Pix. Besides, my experience is limited and I didn't know where else to look."

"Wow, you really went into the store and brought these?" He nodded and settled down next to me. I turned to the next page where this guy was sticking his dick in the other guy's ass and cringed. "Does that really fit in there?" My eyes widened. "That's gotta hurt!"

Jan looked over at the magazine I was looking at. "Probably, um... why don't we work up to that slowly?"

"Fine with me," I said and threw the book aside. "I don't need a book to tell me how to kiss you." I kissed him softly, seeking entrance into his mouth. Jan moaned as he licked and sucked on my tongue. We both pulled off our shirts and Jan pulled down my zipper I pulled off my shorts as Jan got rid of his and laid back down on the bed. Man, his cock was beautiful and so hard. I reached out and grabbed it. Hell, it felt like mine. I giggled. "You have a nice cock," I told him.

He moaned, and put his hand around mine, squeezing it tightly. I felt his hips start to move and he moved my hand up and down. "Ya, Pixsssss... just like that!"

I moved to my knees and continued to stroke him. Leaning forward I kissed him and soon his hips bucked and I could feel his cock throbbing in my hand. Jan was breathing really hard now, his eyes half closed, his lips parted. I reached down and softly squeezed his balls, just as he started to come. His seed splattered all across his chest and he cried out my name, then pulled me into a long kiss and held me into his chest, smearing his come between us.

"Fuck, Lars, that was great," Jan said. "I want to try something. Is it okay?"

"Sure as long as it's not that thing those guys were trying to do, in that one picture. I don't think I'm ready for that."

"No, I want to suck you," he said.

My cock stiffened.

I leaned up on my arm and looked at him. "Ja, sure I'd like that." I couldn't swallow.

Jan pushed me down on the pillows and kissed his way down my body towards my groin. "Fuck I'm gonna 'come' before you get there!"

He laughed. "No, Lars. I'm gonna teach you how to hold back. Make the pleasure build until you can't possibly stand it anymore; then you let go."

"So, I take it someone has shown you this before?" I asked, trying not to sound jealous.

"Ja, Pixie. Someone's shown me...but this is the first time I've even wanted to show anyone. I love you, Lars"

He licked my cock, tracing his tongue around the head and I shivered. "Damn, I love you too Jan."

My hips bucked as he slowly slid his mouth over my cock. I whimpered and tensed. Jan just told me to relax my body and try to enjoy the feelings. I thought he was crazy and that my cock would exploded any second, then he put his hand around the base of it and squeezed. I could feel the build up subside a little and then felt his mouth back over the head of my cock. He continued to lick and suck, all the while keeping his other hand tight at the base. It was amazing, it felt wonderful and it kept me from coming for a while. Jan kept working on my cock using his tongue and his hand and he gently played with my balls. Suddenly, he started to work his mouth down over the length of my shaft. I panicked because I could feel myself coming and Jan just kept going down, deeper and deeper. He sucked harder and I could feel his tongue licking along the head when he pulled back.

"Jan, I'm coming," I moaned and thrust my hips forward He just sucked harder and pulled my hips into him. "God...oh god yes!" I screamed as I came down his throat. Jan continued to suck until I was a boneless heap under him. "Kneppe! That was amazing!" I managed to gasp at last, my lungs working like a bellows, my whole body tingling and fuzzy.

Jan looked up and kissed me. I could taste a bitter, salty taste in his mouth. "I'm sorry I tried to warn you. That I was coming," I said, my face flushed with embarrassment.

"Lars, it's okay. I wanted to swallow it," he said as he cuddled up behind me.

"You did? You are one sick fucker," I giggled.

Jan laughed. "Well, you have two choices. You can spit or swallow," he said and reached for a magazine and flipped through a few pages. "Well, there is another choice." He showed me a picture of this guy spreading it on his dick so he could fuck the guy bent over in front of him.

"Man that's gross," we both said and laughed; I threw the magazine aside.

"Laaaaars?" Jan whispered into my ear; his voice sounding musical. I could feel that his cock was hard again and he was rubbing it against my thighs. I couldn't help myself, I pushed my ass back against him and he moaned.

"Again? Pixie... please," he purred.

My cock was rock hard. "Don't you ever get enough?" I teased. Hell, I wanted more.

Jan slipped his cock in between my thighs. "Not of you, Pix." He started moving back and forth slowly, still slippery from earlier.

I laid my head against his chest as he reached around and started playing with my balls. "Damn, that feels nice."

"You like that, Pix?" he asked

"Um...hmmmm," I sleepily purred as I started to thrust my hips, pushing my cock into Jan's tight fist. He was thrusting smoothly between my legs and in sync with his hand wrapped around my cock. Fuck, before long we were both coming again and I couldn't stop myself from squeezing my thighs tightly around Jan's cock. He screamed, and bit into my shoulder as his seed shot off the bed and across the floor.

"Fuck, that was nice," he yawned, and slipped his arms around me, pulling me closer to him. Before long, we were both sound asleep.

The next few weeks were tough, the matches were grueling but every chance we got we were either groping or sucking one another off. Oh my god! I loved getting blowjobs from him. I even loved giving them, once I got used to the taste of his come. We loved to play and experiment, and even found out, when we were really horny, and very drunk one night, that you could come just from rubbing up against one another, lying face to face, while we kissed...that was really nice, very sexy. It felt special between us when we did that. I found myself wanting sex more and more... no, wanting Jan more and more.

Our nights were early ones... for the most part. Whenever we had a break and there was no match the following day. Jan and I would occasionally sneak out and go to a few clubs in the area. We would dance, drink and suck each other all night long. Our favorite places were in the bathrooms at clubs. There was something really exciting about the possibility of getting caught, that made my whole body tingle.

I got used to the taste of beer very quickly. One night, when we had a very long weekend off Jan even got us some pot to smoke. I only tried it once before, but that night was unbelievable, The sex was so fucking hot that night! All I knew was, this was fucking great and I wanted more.

Our days were filled with matches Jan was winning his division with no trouble and I was doing just as well. There was only one other boy on another team that was ranked higher than I was. I would be playing him near the end of the tour, but I was distracted. I wanted to focus on learning all I could about music. If Jan worried about anything, it was about that. He said I could do all of that stuff after the tour was over, after I'd won. I knew if I did win, I would never be able to focus on my music and that was a big distraction.

It was one day after Jan had me on the practice courts for several hours that we had our one and only fight. I had missed an easy lob and Jan threw his racket on the ground. "Kneppe, Lars! Focus, you are not focusing," he swore. "You know, I swear you want to lose this match tomorrow."

"Damn, Jan. Not everything in the world is tennis. I was focusing! I can't be like you all of the time." I was pissed and walked off the court.

He ran up to me and grabbed me. "Lars don't you now what your losing would mean?" He shook his head. "We, wouldn't be together anymore. The coach would have to send you back. I'm going ahead and I will be successful in tennis. I want 'you' with me." His hand was burning into my arm as his grip tightened. I pulled away and went to the locker room to change.

He didn't say another word to me as he undressed. I watched him and thought about what he said, long and hard. He left the changing room and headed for the showers. Shit, I followed him. I would stop the nonsense about my music and focus on my playing... for us. I was happy that we were together and that was all that mattered.

I touched him softly on the arm. "You're right. I want to be with you, Jan. We will be together, that's all that's important." I dropped to my knees and slid his cock in between my lips. I sucked him so hard and he grabbed my head and rammed his cock down my throat. I moaned at the pleasure his holding my head gave me, his wild thrusting. It turned me on and I sucked harder. We both came really quickly, cleaned up and left the shower.

Everything was great after that. I began to focus and really work hard. Jan was so protective, so loving. Anything I asked for, he did. I always felt safe and secure. He watched over me and made sure I did well in my matches. We were an awesome team and 'he' had become my whole world. I easily forgot about my music and thought only about tennis and Jan. I really knew that I loved him... then my world fell apart.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"I'm sorry, Lars, but this is for the best. I'm taking you home day after tomorrow." I could still hear Torben's voice ringing in my ears. I sat there, unable to move, unable to say anything. I just cried. As he left the hotel room, I sat there and the tears wouldn't stop. I wiped them away with my sleeve as I heard Jan come into the room.

"Hey, Pix, I got the postcards you wanted, for your mom," he said. I just looked up at him with tears streaming down my face. He fell to his knees and grabbed my hand. "Lars, what's wrong? The coach told me your Da was here. Is your mom okay?" He avoided looking directly at me. Did he know?

"She's fine, Jan," I whispered, unable to find the full strength of my voice.

"Thank goodness." He wiped the tears from my face. "So, are you gonna tell me what is so bad that my pixie is crying like a baby?"

"Don't fucking call me that," I screamed and pushed him away. "Just leave me the fuck alone," I cried, hoping he would leave the room. I couldn't tell him. It was too painful, but he didn't leave. He grabbed me and sat next to me on the bed. We were both quiet for a long time.

"You're leaving for the States," he whispered, as he took my hand.

I looked at him. "How did you know?"

"Coach told me." He pushed my hair out of my eyes. "He knows how 'close' we are Lars. He didn't want you to have to tell me."

"I can't do this. I won't go! They can't make me," I sobbed and threw my arms around him. Jan pulled me close to him and smoothed my hair with his hand.

"Of course, you'll go, and you'll be happy. You'll be the best damn tennis player, the United States has ever seen."

"Fuck tennis, fuck the states. I just want to stay here with you. Playing tennis isn't the same without you."

"Lars, you can't. You have to do what they feel is best for you. You have to leave but I want you to understand one thing. I've been wrong. You have to do what makes you happy. Even if it's music, Lars. Do you understand what I'm telling you? I can't keep you from your parents and I know you were doing most of this for me. You have to go with them... but be happy. Do what 'you' want. If that's music then go for it, with all your heart. It's not like we'll never see each other again. We can write every week and I'm sure your parents will let you come visit.

"Ja, I'm sure they will," I said, knowing that that would never happen. "I can't lose you, Jan. I love you," I cried into his shoulder.

He hugged me tightly. "You'll never lose me, Pixie. Never." He lifted my head and started to kiss me. "Please... please let me make love to you? It's our last night together." He kissed me with such urgency. "God, Lars, I need to hold you, need to be inside of you. I have to remember... please?"

I kissed him back, trying to burn the memory of his kiss into my mind. Finally, I pulled away, nodding my head. "Yes, I want you too. I'm just afraid," I confided. "Those pictures looked like they hurt. I mean..."

"I won't hurt you, Lars. I could never hurt you. I promise. We'll go slow. If it hurts, I'll stop."

He kissed me again and I knew I wanted this and wouldn't be able to stop, even with my fear. "Please, make love to me," I murmured.

Jan pushed me back onto the bed and started kissing me, licking and sucking down my neck and earlobe. I was purring with lust and managed to work off my shirt, just in time for him to start licking and biting my nipples. I helped him remove his and reached up and nipped at his nipple ring. "I love that," I said and licked at it again.

"Maybe you'll have one, some day," he teased. He knew I was afraid of needles and almost passed out when I had my ear pierced.

I grinned and moved up on the bed to get more comfortable. I pulled off my pants and flung them across the room. I lay there and watched Jan stand up and slowly pull off his pants, pulling a small tube out of the pocket, before he threw them on the table. His long hair was flowing around his shoulders. He looked so powerful, so strong. He leaned down on the bed, kissed me and I heard him open the tube.

"What's that?"

"Just some lube to make it easier. I read about it in one of those magazines I bought." He put the oil on his hand and rubbed it across his cock. "Turn on your side, Pixie," he said softly.

I turned and felt Jan lay beside me. I could feel his cock against my back and his hands, still slippery with oil, started to rub my lower back and my ass cheeks. He placed his left arm under my head and pulled my face back to kiss me.

"I love you, Lars. Just relax." His voice was warm and I felt my body relax into his. Jan slipped his finger into my ass and I tensed, gasping and tightening on it. He just held me tightly and kissed my neck and jaw. I relaxed enough and he worked his finger into me, moving it slowly in and out. I jumped slightly as he pushed a second finger in.

"Jan, it hurts," I whimpered and he pulled out a bit

He turned my upper body so I was lying on my back and started to kiss me, while he worked the second finger back into me. It took a while but I started to relax, and before long, I was pushing up against his hand, wanting him to thrust deeper. Fuck, this felt so good. I was overcome with the need to be filled with him.

I began moaning and begging him, "Fuck me, Jan...oh man, I want to feel you inside me."

He pushed me back onto my side and slid behind me. I could feel his cock as he moved it across my ass. Slowly, he slid the head into me. "Fuck!" I gasped and Jan stilled.

"Breathe, Pixie, relax," he coached.

I let out a deep breath and relaxed and Jan pushed himself deep inside of me. He reached around and grabbed my cock and started to gently move his hand back and forth. He stayed completely still inside of me until I was relaxed enough and then he started to slowly build to a rhythm and speed, matching his hand movements with the thrusting of his cock.

Before long, I was moaning and writhing and pushing myself back to meet every thrust. This felt so fucking good, so right... I held out as long as I could, but with his hand working me into a frenzy and his cock inside me I shot my cum all over his hand and the bed, as I screamed his name.

Jan continued to milk me, as my body shuddered and he released me and brought his hand to my lips. "Suck them clean, Pixie." I opened my lips and he slid his fingers in my mouth, his thrusts becoming faster as I licked them clean. He pulled his hand out of my mouth and grabbed on to my shoulders as he pumped faster and faster inside of me. I could feel him coming as his warm seed filled me and his moans of release filled my ears.

I was never so happy or complete in my life. I started to cry. Jan put his arms around me and held me tightly. "We'll always have this, my Pixie," he whispered into my ear as I started to fall asleep, my tears falling onto his chest.

"I'll always love you," I said sleepily.

The next day, I left Jan. He came to see me off, at the airport and fill me in that he had won his match and he made the Olympic team. I was so happy and proud of him. Again, we promised to write each other every week. He also made Torben agree to let me visit him soon. I can still remember standing at the airport, holding Jan's hand. I didn't want to let go. Finally, my parents called to me that it was time. I walked into the runway to get onto the plane and turned to look at him, one last time.

I changed that day. I would never be the same again; as far as I was concerned, without Jan, tennis for me was dead. One way or another, music would now be my life.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Chapter 3

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

1980-1981  
Lars...

Fuck, fuck, fuck...

There was no fucking place to find the music I loved in Los Angeles, California...this place sucked musically. The bands had no bite, no edge. Fucking pussy's. They wore more make-up than most of the girls in my school. I had to scour the whole fucking county to finally find a store that could get me access to any of the NWOBHM hits.

Shit! I'd been here for well over 8 months and things were actually pretty good now. Torben hadn't really said much about the tennis thing, lately. Once I arrived here and got into the tennis club at school and realized that everyone on my block played better than I did... well, I just decided to focus more on my music. Besides that, I'd had three fucking injuries since I'd gotten to the states. My heart was just not in it. The serious players lived for tennis - they knew nothing else. I just couldn't do that for tennis, but music... that burned a passion into my soul. Torben brought it up once in a while, so I stayed on the tennis team at school, but it was mostly for him.

I went to Backbay High School and honestly, school was great, but I'd always done well there, especially in my economics and math classes. I loved figuring out how the system works. I was gonna need it when I had to manage all of my millions after I hit it big. Fuck, as soon as that happened, I was gonna make sure I got my ass back to Europe and find Jan.

It took a long time to get over missing Jan. His letters helped. I'd get one every few days or so and I'd write him just as often, but jerking off to his letters just wasn't the same as having his mouth wrapped around my cock. Hearing his voice, supporting me, especially with Torben on the tennis kick all the time - I missed that more than I could have ever imagined.

I had told Jan everything that was going on and how much I missed him in my last letter. So the last one he sent me, he decided to tell me everything he was going to do to me, the next time we were together. The day I got his letter, I read it and jerked off to it three times, It said: 'The first minute I see you, Lars, I'm gonna slowly kiss you, while removing your clothes, sticking my tongue in between your lips, tasting you.'

Fuck! I moaned and wrapped my hand around my cock.

'Then I'm gonna kiss you all over your entire body, slowly licking your neck, nipping just below your earlobe - you know how that spot drives you wild? I'm gonna swirl my tongue around there, until you are writhing beneath me, pushing your cock up against mine.'

I pulled on my cock and ran my thumb across the head; I shivered and continued reading.

'But then, my Pixie, I'm gonna pull my cock away and lick down your chest, stopping at your nipples. I'll nip and suck on one and twist the other one with my fingers, until you beg me to stop. Slowly, I'll grasp your hips, Lars and lick my way down to your belly button, swirling my tongue around, licking you on your thighs and down to your balls. I'll gently take one then the other into my mouth, sucking and nipping at them until you are begging me to do more. Only, I'll take my time - only taking you, when I think you are ready.'

I stopped and bit my lip, then squeezed the base of my cock. I didn't want to come until he wanted me too.

'Slowly I'll move my tongue, my Pixie, lick down to your opening, slipping my tongue deep inside you. By now you'll be crying and reaching for your cock. I'll remove your hands. You have to wait, Lars... for me.'

I whimpered and moaned, thrusting my hips forward into my hand. "Please...Jan, please fuck me," I whispered wishing he was there with me.

'Next, I'll slip one finger and then two, deep inside you, making you ready for me - opening you up for my cock. I want you so bad, Pix. Want to be inside you, feel how tight and hot you are for me. Slowly, as I add a third finger, I'll use my tongue and run it along the base of your cock, moving slowly to the head, licking around it then taking it between my lips and sucking hard, taking you all the way down my throat.'

I started pumping my hand harder and faster, moaning, as I read further.

'Then I'll stop, my Pix and pull my fingers out of you, using your mouth. I'll move my cock to your mouth and make you suck me, getting it slick and wet so I can take you. I'll move my hips back and forth, fucking your mouth, holding your head as you take me in deep. Finally I'll pull out and lean down, kissing you. Moving my cock, I'll slowly push into you and you'll whimper, for me, Pix. Then I'll move all the way into you, moving slowly at first, then harder and faster. You're screaming now, begging me to touch you... to release you. Not yet, my Pix, a little longer, I'll whisper as my thrusts become faster and harder. I'll reach down and grab your cock as I start to come deep inside you. I'll pump your cock and you'll come, screaming my name; your cum flowing across your chest and stomach. I'll lean down and lap it up. Moving to your mouth, we'll kiss for a long time and fall asleep in each others arms.'

I reached down and traced my fingers through my come-covered chest. Moving them to my lips, I licked them clean, falling into a deep sleep, as I read the last line.

I love you, my Pixie. I always will. Love Jan.

 

Gosh I was so lonely, and even the letters I got after this one, from Jan didn't help much. It also didn't help that Torben and Lone's reconciliation didn't work. They tried to keep their arguments quiet; to leave me out of it, but mom soon left for Europe. She'd always wanted to live in Spain.

So, there I was. I had lots of friends... but no one to really relate to. Where I lived, there aren't exactly many guys in my school you could get close to, not that I'd even try. In one of Jan's letter's, we decided that no matter what; we would be together again... so I could wait. By the time I was out of school, I could head back to Europe, and we would work something out, then.

So for now, I'd just hang out and party with friends, listen to music and have girls just hang all over me. Which really wasn't so bad. It must have been the hair and the rock and roll image. I loved the partying and was getting more and more into the whole and rock and roll idea. And fuck, I loved to drink; beer was my best friend. We'd get so shitfaced and drop our pants and pee in my backyard, scared the crap outta the neighbors a few times. Torben wasn't home much at night, doing the jazz thing, so we hung at my house most of the time.

There was this one time; I had a big party. Torben was away for the weekend and we had lots of guys and girls over. There was this girl called Cathy. My friend Paul told me she liked me and wanted to spend the night. I was so alone and horny without Jan; I figured I'd give it a go - besides she was really pretty and was so turned on by the fact that I was a drummer. Everyone left and Cathy hung around for a while. I promised to get her home. Torben left me the car and she only lived a few blocks away. I was sure Torben wouldn't be mad if I was careful.

We went up to my room and she saw my kit in the corner. "Those are so cool," she said. "Can I try them out?"

"Sure," I said, handing her my drumsticks. "This is the snare, and these are the toms. Just hit them like this."

She banged around on them a bit. She was awful, but it made her happy. "That was fun," she said, as she handed me the sticks.

I pulled her off of the stool. "This will be more fun," I whispered as I started to kiss her. Now, you have to remember my experience was limited. I mean, there was Greta and all I did was feel her up, then there was Jan. Kind of a strategic difference there. Well I knew enough. I mean, all guys my age thought about, was sex. We thought about it and bragged about it, even though half the guys who bragged the most, were probably still virgins.

Well, let's just say I didn't have to worry about being inexperienced. Cathy knew exactly what she was doing. I pulled off her shirt and started feeling up her tits. Damn, they were nice and I moaned. "You like them?" she asked, rubbing her hands across her nipples.

"Fuck yeah," I said and pulled her onto my bed. "You have great tits!" I leaned down and started sucking a nipple. The little tip came to a hard point Just like Jan's did when I sucked his. Cathy arched her back and pulled me up to her lips.

"Kiss me, Lars," she said, and I did. She tasted like cigarettes, not like Jan. I remembered the first time I kissed him; he tasted like honey. I pulled off my shirt, then started to unbutton her pants. She wriggled out of them and I pulled mine off and tossed them aside. "Wow, Lars you're really well hung," she said.

"Ja. I keep my things hung up and neat," I replied.

She laughed. "No, Lars It means you have a big dick."

I blushed. "Oh, I see." I lay down next to her and we kissed a while longer. I ran my hand down her breasts and across her body. Her skin was so soft and smooth, not at all muscular, like Jan's. When I finally reached her pussy, I felt like something was missing and realized I really needed to concentrate and stop thinking about Jan. I still hadn't gotten really hard and asked her to suck me. You would have thought I asked her to run nude down the hall at school.

"There's no way I'm putting that in my mouth," she said, grabbing my cock and working it back and forth in her hands. I started to get hard really fast.

"Then let me lick you?" I begged as I thrust into her hand and went to turn.

"No way, you don't have to, Lars. Just fuck me," she said as she guided my cock into her wet pussy.

I gasped. Man. she was so wet. It felt real weird. She moaned a little and complained that my cock was too big. Fuck. I thought girls were supposed to like it big? I began to thrust inside her and she held me close to her. I'd never fucked Jan, he'd only fucked me, so it was a whole new experience for me, but the times he'd brought me off between his thighs or sucked me...this felt so different.

As I fucked her, I realized that this just wasn't really working for me. She didn't respond like Jan had. She wasn't really enjoying it. I could hear that she was putting on the moaning shit. Fuck. Was it like this with all chicks? I felt myself begin to soften and shut my eyes, gritting my teeth as I rammed her. That made her squeal and I began to feel a little better. I slid in and out of her pussy, eyes tight shut and thought of Jan sucking me off. Oh yeah. That worked. I came fast, gasping as I started to shoot my load inside her, then pulled out at the last minute. Fuck. Last thing I wanted was a kid and I had no idea if she was on the pill or anything. We sure weren't using anything else. I'd never needed to before. I collapsed beside her, feeling guilty and like things weren't quite right.

"Lars, who is Jan? Cathy asked me.

"Jan? Why do you ask?" I said. Boy, I didn't remember telling her about Jan.

"Well, when you came just now, you called out 'Jan'. It sounded like a name?" She looked hurt. "Is that the name of your girlfriend, back home?"

Fuck, I didn't want to hurt her. What the hell was I gonna do? Tell her the only way I could come was to pretend she was a guy? "No, the word 'Jan' is a way to say 'yes' in Denmark. It's like saying 'oh yes, here'." Man, I hoped she believed me. I held my breath.

She giggled. "So it was okay then?"

I smiled, "Sure, it was great." I hated lying, but I wasn't going to make her feel bad. I showed her to the bathroom so she could clean up, then I took her home. So much for my first experience with a woman. From this point on, I figured my hand and my music would be my best friends.

Since I couldn't find any places near me to scope out for my music, I'd just go back and forth to this small shop I found near Woodland Hills called Spin City, but it was fucking hopeless. No one listened to what I liked. I was alone in a glam wasteland, until one day, I ran into this guy John, after a gig at the Country Club. He came up to me in the parking lot and introduced himself and his friend Brian. They had noticed my Saxon T-shirt and freaked. The fuckers were older then me, but they loved the same type of music I did. It was a start and we became close friends. Brian worked in Sears and had a car, which worked out great. We wound up traveling all over together, on our quest for the Holy Grail of NWOBHM.

I remember them coming over to my house, about a week after we met. They were really cool and brought some beer over. We drank and listened to a bunch of shit I had brought with me from home. We were sprawled around my room, listening to some hot tunes.

"Lars, put on Motorhead first," Brian said, handing me their latest record.

"No, no wait, ya gotta hear this, it's... 'Am I Evil' by Diamond Head...It's on their 'White Label' album and it's fucking awesome," I told him, as I placed the needle on the record. The music blasted out of the stereo and we all started headbanging. "AM I EVIL...YES I AM," I sang at the top of my lungs.

John dove over Brian's body and tackled me, putting his hand over my mouth. "Um...Lars, if you are serious about this band gig, just don't try and be the singer. Okay?" They both started laughing.

Fuck! What was the problem everyone had with my voice? I thought I sounded just fine. "Kneppe," I said, after I pulled his hand off of my mouth. "You just wait, I'm telling you both," I paused and pointed to my drum set in the corner "I'm gonna start a band with that! I'm gonna be in the biggest rock band in the world one day and be as good as Ian Paice."

They both laughed at me. I knew they didn't take me seriously, but I also knew nothing would stop me.

"Kneppe? What the fuck is that? A Danish pastry?" John teased.

"It means Fuck, asshole," Brian said. I had already started to teach him the important words in my language. Now I joined in the laughing.

Brian took down the autograph I had of kiss, hanging on my wall. "This for real, Lars?"

"Ja," I said. They started to laugh at my accent. I blushed. "I mean yeah. Jan and I met the fuckers in Copenhagen. They were so friggen cool. Even Gene said to follow my dreams."

I was looking at the album cover for Diamond Head's White Album. "Fuck, I'd love to meet them one day, just hang out and see how it all works. Duncan Scott is fucking the man, when it comes to drumming."

"Lars! It's Duncan Scott is 'the' fucking man, not he's fucking the man." I watched as the two of them started to laugh so hard, they were crying.

I shook my head and took a swig of beer. "Okay, just keep making fun of me, You'll see. I've even written them every chance I've got. It's all in the connections and what you can learn; that's what's gonna make a difference."

"Dream on, Lars," John said. I threw a pillow at him

Brian finally stopped laughing and asked me, "Yarn? What's that? You brought your knitting with you to see Kiss?" They both giggled.

I laughed. "No, fisse... Not yarn... Jan is a guy...J A N." I spelled his name the English way so they would understand. "We were on the tennis circuit together in Denmark. I kinda looked up to him like a big brother. He'd watched my back and we were close." I smiled at the memories that flooded my mind and I had to shift, as my cock hardened.

"Fisse...pussy right?" Brian said proudly.

I smiled and nodded. "You're a good student, fucker," I said, swigging my beer.

"You know, If you're really serious about this band shit; why don't you place an ad in that magazine... Brian... what the fuck's it called?" John asked as he sifted through my albums.

"The Recycler," Brian answered, putting the autograph of Kiss back on my wall. "That might not be a bad idea, Lars."

It might not be a bad idea at all. I grabbed a pen and some paper. "So what the fuck should I say?" I asked, not really waiting for an answer. I started writing:

Metal...seeking Metal. If you like to overdose on bands like Diamond Head, Motorhead and Iron Maiden then this drummer is for you. Seeking other like-minded musicians to party and play rock and roll...call...Lars at...

"Well what do you think?" I asked, handing the paper to Brian.

"It's a beginning," he said.

I placed the ad the next day.

************

"Lars...LARS!" Torben screamed.

"Ja, Da," I yelled from the shower. I could hardly hear him, so I wrapped a towel around my waist and opened the door. "Torben, I'm in the shower."

"It's the phone, Lars... It's someone about an ad you placed a few days ago," he called up to me.

"Kneppe!" I yelled as I ran down the stairs, almost slipping and losing my towel on the steps. My Da raised an eyebrow and I wrapped the towel back around my waist, as he handed me the phone.

"Hello? Yeah, I'm the guy.

Uh...huh...Yeah, I play drums. MmmHmmm...Ja, I mean...Yeah, I know the place." I said, as I jotted down the address.

"Mmhmmm...I can be there tomorrow. No fucking problem," I said, as I hung up the phone.

"YES!" I screamed and ran to Torben. "This is it... I'm actually going to meet some guys and jam a bit," I told him.

"Ja, Lars, but what about your tennis?" Torben said softly. I could see he was disappointed.

I kissed him on the cheek. "I have to be happy, Da. I have to follow my dream."

"Very well then," he said and kissed me back. "So what's the name of this fellow you're meeting?"

I looked down at the wet paper in my hand. Shit, the writing was smeared. I held it up and it looked like a puzzle. Fuck, I was so nervous. "It's John...no, that's not right. It's James Hetters. I think." I fucking banged my head. "Wait no...that's not it, fuck. It's James Hetfield," I said. "That's it. James Hetfield.

I turned to my Da and swung him around. "He sounded a bit nervous and shy on the phone, but this should be cool," I yelled and turned to run up the stairs. I dropped my towel at the bottom of the steps and ran my bare ass upstairs to get dressed. I had to get my kit together and I had to write Jan right away. Oh and of course, I would need to practice. Yeah, tomorrow was going to be a great fucking day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

They wanted to meet in this little rundown studio in Irvine, so I had to get a ride down there. Brian took me over, even helped me to set up my kit. I didn't have to wait very long. In walked this really tall kid with long blond hair. Oh fuck, my heart stopped in my throat and my cock started to swell. This dude looked so much like Jan and I had a hard time swallowing, I was mesmerized. His face was covered in acne, but there was something about him. He had this presence. Behind him was this shorter dude. He had long black hair, and looked like a girl cause his hair went to his waist and he had a really pretty face.

I bounded up to them and knocked over my cymbal. Brian picked it up for me and I extended my hand to the blond guy. "Hi. I'm Lars. We talked on the phone, Are you James?"

He just looked at my hand nodded and said, "Yeah." The other guy came around him and shook my hand.

"Hi, I'm Hugh Tanner. It's nice to meet you, Lars," he said. He seemed nice enough.

"This is so cold, I can't wait to get jamming," I said, gushing a bit. I could feel the adrenaline pumping through my body.

"Cold?" James asked.

"Um...he means cool," Brian interrupted. "He's from Denmark and he kind of muddles things up a bit sometimes." Brian turned to me. "Look, Lars I'm gonna wait outside. Good luck."

"Thanks." I waved to Brian as he left the studio. "So, you wanna plug in? There's a couple of amps over there," I said pointing to the amps near the front of my kit. They looked at each other and smiled and went to plug in. Fuck, I'm sure they knew what fucking amps look like. That was stupid. But I was relieved to sit down behind my kit. Again, I couldn't stop staring at James.

They started strumming a few chords, and I sat down behind my drums. I started twirling my sticks and dropped one. "Shit," I yelled and they stopped and turned around to look at me."

"Slippery little fuckers, ain't they?" James said. He smiled at me. I guess he was trying to put me at ease a bit. I was so fucking nervous, I really wanted this all to work out.

"Ja," I said. Fuck, I bent down and picked up the stick. "Yeah, I got it...let's go."

"Okay Let's play 'Paranoid'. You know it?" he asked.

I counted in one, two, three...and we started playing this tune by Black Sabbath that James suggested. I knew it, so it was cool. Things were going really well, until I hit my cymbal and the fucker came crashing down.

"Shit, I'm sorry," I said, jumping over the snare and setting it right again.

"Dude, you ever play with someone before?" James asked.

"Sure, I've played with a few guys back home." I lied. Shit, the guy was so intimidating, but I wasn't about to let this chance slip through my fingers. There was something about him. I just had a hunch.

Well, we started playing again and the fucking cymbal fell down seven more times. The last time it happened, I saw James throw the pick he was playing with, against the wall. He cursed and glared at me. Hugh walked over to him, and they talked quietly and James seemed to calm down. This really wasn't going well.

"Um, Lars. Is this the only kit you have?" Hugh asked me.

"Ja, I brought it when we got to LA. I had a better one back home but we couldn't bring it over here with us."

"Uhhhh," James grunted. Shit the guy didn't day much did he? I could tell he was really pissed though and I didn't blame him. But there was something about him and I just wanted to find a way to keep in touch with the guy.

They stayed for a while longer and we managed to get through a few more songs. I taped down my cymbal and it managed to stay on for the rest of the jam. We finally finished and they put away their guitars.

Hugh smiled and James didn't say anything, so I figured I better say something. "Would you guys like a beer?" I have some in a cooler out in the car."

"Sure, that'd be great, Lars" Hugh said. James just nodded and I left them alone, to go get the beer.

I got outside and Brian was leaning up against the car. "So, how'd it go?" he asked me.

"Okay, I think. That fucking cymbal kept falling over. Damn." I reached into the car and pulled out 3 beers. "We're gonna have a beer and talk a few minutes. Wanna come back in?"

"Nah, when you're done, I'll help you with your drums. Take your time," he said.

I walked back into the studio and James and Hugh looked like they were in a heated discussion. I made some noise and handed them their beers. "Things went well today," I said, looking for any excuse to make conversation. Deep down I knew it was a disaster, but I was hopeful.

"Well, yeah sure, Lars. They went...well." Hugh said and he nudged James.

"Yeah. Things went fine. We'll call you in a few days or so. Okay?"

"Sure, I have your number too. I mean, maybe we can get together sometime, and listen to some of the tunes I brought with me from home. You know hang tight, and relax with some music."

"That's hang loose, Lars. And uh...sure I guess so, maybe one day," James said.

I smiled and started to take apart my kit. Hugh said goodbye and left, but James hung around. "Can I help you with the kit, man?"

"No need to. Brian's here. He can help me. Thanks for asking though." I smiled at him. Damn he looked so much like Jan. I just couldn't help but feel happy around the guy.

"What's wrong?" he asked. He looked kind of upset.

Shit, I must've had this odd look on my face. I was stunned by this guy's looks and my cock was starting to take notice as well. "Nothing, really. You just remind me of someone that's all. A friend back home."

He nodded and finished off his beer. "Well I gotta be going. Take care, Lars," he said.

"Ja, you too, man," I took apart my tom and realized something. I called after him. "Hey James, how come Hugh left you here?"

"He had to go to work. I'm gonna walk to the bus stop."

"Why don't you let me and Brian give you a pickup?"

He smiled. "You mean a lift?"

"Yeah, a lift," I said. Gosh, he had a beautiful smile. He looked different when he smiled.

"Why? " he asked me.

Gee this guy was strange. I was only trying to do him a favor. But by the look on his face I could see, something was wrong. This guy must have had a tough life; he was awfully suspicious of people.

"Why not?" I replied shrugging my shoulders, and smiling trying to put him at ease.

He was quiet for a long time and looked down at his feet. "Okay, sure. Thanks," he said, grabbing my snare and heading for Brian's car.

We loaded up the car and on the way to drop James off at his house; we talked about all my favorite bands. Well 'I' talked about all my favorite bands. James really seemed to get into the conversation but didn't say a lot. He mostly listened, then Brian put on his Areosmith tape on full blast and I took the hint and shut up for a while. After we dropped James off, Brian and I were laughing and singing to the latest Aerosmith tape. They were all right, not hard enough for me, but James really seemed to like them.

"That dude seems a little odd?" Brian said at last.

"James? Nah...he's okay. I think he is a little shy around people."

"Just what you need - a shy lead singer," Brian teased.

"Ja, but you didn't see him when he was playing. He was awesome. He has something - something I want for my band. I couldn't take my eyes off of him."

"You just liked his body," Brian said.

"What the fuck does that mean?" Shit, if Brian noticed, maybe James did too and I'd be screwed. I didn't mean to react to him like that.

"Relax, Lars. I'm only teasing," he said.

Man, I was so embarrassed but tried to cover. "Oh...sorry. I'm just thinking about today. James would be the perfect front man. I think I'll give him a call tomorrow."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The next morning I got up early and called James. He said they hadn't made a decision about the band yet, but they didn't think anything would be happening for now, I just decided to back off for a little while.

I don't know what it was but I found myself wanting to call him every day. I had only been with the guy for a few hours and I really enjoyed his company. There were so many things about him I wanted to know. Like why he was so shy around people, but a killer behind a microphone. And why he was suspicious about me offering him a lift. You think the guy was taken advantage of, maybe by someone close to him. Like he didn't expect people to be nice without wanting something in return. I found myself wanting to reach out to him. It was strange cause I was always use to being protected and now, for some odd reason, I wanted to protect him.

A few days later, I decided to call James' house again, to see if he'd like to hang out, maybe check out the record shop. His dad answered and said he wasn't home. I must've tried about a dozen times after that and the darn kid was never home.

So, I finally gave up. Brian came over and we decided to drive over to Spin City over at Woodland Hills. Ace, the new owner, was supposed to get in an album for me by 'Venom'. We weren't there for more than five minutes, when I looked across the isle from me, and saw James. He looked up at the same time and spotted me. I smiled and waved and he started to walk over.

"Lars, man..." he started. "about the band..."

"It's cool James, when the band happens, it happens." I wanted to change the subject quickly. I liked this guy and wanted to hang with him. That would be enough, for now. "So come here often?" I asked, while glancing at a record.

James laughed and there it was - that beautiful smile again. "That sounds like a bad pick up line, Lars."

I blushed. "Sorry, I guess what I meant was, do you hang out here much?" Boy, my broken English was going to get me in trouble some day.

"Yeah, lately I've been coming here looking for that 'White Label' record you mentioned."

"Ah! They are fucking awesome, but they haven't got any in yet. I was just talking to Ace. I can have him give me a call when they do. You know? Put one aside for you, so you don't have to worry."

He gave me this odd look. "You'd do that for me? Ask him, I mean?"

Boy again this guy is surprised cause I wanna help him. I wonder what happened in his life to make him so cynical. I would have to just make light of it. "Yea, sure no problem. I'll be right back." I left James alone and set everything up with Ace, then ran back over to him and Brian. "There, done. When it's in, he'll give me a call and I'll let you know."

"Thanks," James said.

"Lars is our main connection for all the rare albums, James. He has connections everywhere," Brian said, as he grinned at me.

I laughed at him. "Those connections are gonna assure my future, just like knowing you, Brian," I teased. "Brian is really into heavy metal too, James. He's gonna do something big, one day."

"You know, Lars. For once I totally agree with you." Brian said.

I saw James looking at his watch. "Do you need to go home?" I asked, hoping he could hang a bit longer.

"No, not really," he replied.

"Cool! Would you like to grab a burger or something?"

"We'll I don't really have that much cash with me."

"No problem, we can go to my house. I can make the burgers for us." I didn't mind and I liked to cook, besides I wanted to be friends with James no matter what. It was important.

"You can cook?"

"That's debatable," Brian said. "But Lars can do a decent burger."

"Very funny, Fisse. So, you two coming?" I said walking toward the door.

"I can't, Lars. Gotta get to work. I'll drop you and James off," Brian said, as he hopped into his car. James and I followed. Brian took us to my house, blasting 'Black Sabbath' all the way.

We jumped outta Brian's car and ran up my front steps. "Later Brian," I called out to thank him, as he drove off. "Hey, If you're not so hungry now, we can listen to records first," I offered James.

"Sure, sounds good."

So I took James up to my room to listen to some records. I flung myself on a large pillow and tossed one to James. We were listening to 'Diamond Head' and he noticed my autograph.

"'Kiss', huh?" James yelled.

I lowered the volume. "Ja." I brightened and decided to tell James the entire story of how Jan and I met them and how Gene said to follow my vision. I told him all about traveling and playing tennis, how nana brought me my first kit. I also told him about writing 'Diamond Head' and the time I went to a Deep Purple concert with Torben at the age of nine. I think I must've talked for about twenty minutes or so, then James interrupted me.

"Lars, how do you do that?"

"Do what?" I asked.

"Talk like that for so long, without coming up for air?"

"What do you mean?" I was really confused. What did coming have to do with air?

"Anyone every tell you that you talk a lot?"

I blushed. I was in trouble again. "Well ja, sure, but I like to talk," I said, smiling.

He just shook his head. All of a sudden, the back door slammed and James must have jumped a foot. "You okay man?" This guy was awfully jumpy, even when he was supposed to be relaxing. I was beginning to think someone had hurt him, really bad.

"Uh...yeah sure,"

"Lars, you up there?" Torben's voice rang from the kitchen. He was speaking Danish and James looked upset.

"Ja, Torben, up here. We'll be right down," I called back to him in Danish.

"Torben? Who's Torben?" James asked.

"Torben's my father,"

James eyes widened. "You call you father by his first name?"

We started to walk downstairs. "Sure, have for a long time. We're really close."

"Ah...there's my son." Torben said proudly as he hugged me.

"Torben, This is James. James this is my Dad, Torben."

"Hello, sir," James said.

"Boy, don't be so formal," Torben said, grabbing James' hand. "Call me Torben, everyone does."

"Yes, sir," James repeated. He was really stiff and guarded around my Da.

Torben laughed. "Lars, I have to go to the club now. I will not be home till late, be a good boy, huh?" he said and kissed me on the head.

"Ja, Torben. I'll be fine," I called after him, as he walked out the door.

"Nice meeting you, James," we heard him yell from the driveway.

"Hungry?" I asked him.

"James shrugged. "Yeah."

I grabbed a frying pan from underneath the counter and went to the fridge to grab a couple of burgers. "Can you eat two?"

"Sure,"

"Okay, Want cheese on them?"

"Yeah," he said.

"Anyone ever tell you that you don't say much?"

James looked at me for a long time with this blank look on his face, and then he started to laugh. Finally. "You know you look good when you laugh," I told him. He went quiet again. I turned the flame on under the pan and threw the meat into it, then I noticed Torben had put the mail on the counter, so I started sorting through it, looking for something from Jan.

"Lars?"

"Hmmm?" I responded still intent on finding a letter from Jan.

"You said you and your dad are close, huh?"

"Ja, I can tell Torben anything. He's really a cool guy."

"What about your mom?"

"Oh, she's gone," I said, still shifting through the mail.

"I'm sorry. When did she die?"

I looked up a little shocked that I gave him the wrong impression. "No, she's not dead. She lives in Spain. My parents are divorced. Shit, still no letter!" I was starting to get upset. This wasn't like Jan at all.

"Letter? Do you write to someone back home?" James asked me.

I flipped the burgers to the other side. "Ja, I write to Jan. He and I were on the tennis circuit together. We write each other every couple of days, and I haven't heard from him for almost a week now."

"Maybe he got caught up at a tournament?"

"I guess. Still, it's odd," I said

"So you and this Jan guy were close, then?" James asked me.

For some reason, I felt comfortable with James. Hell, I had already told him half of my life story, but I wasn't sure I should tell him all about Jan, then I made a decision. "Ja, we were really close, closer than most brothers. Um...James, Jan and I..." Fuck. Just then, the phone rang. I answered it.

"Hello?"

"Lars? It's Mr. Elvestad,"

It was Jan's dad. I started speaking in Danish, so he would understand me. "Mr. Elvestad, It's nice to hear from you. Oh, how is Jan? I haven't heard fr.."

"Lars, I have something to tell you." His voice sounded odd.

"Is something wrong?" I asked, my voice cracking.

"It's Jan, Lars. There's been an accident."

"Accident?" Oh no, this was awful, his career. I needed to know if he was badly hurt. "Is he in the hospital?"

"He was, Lars, but there were complications."

"Complications? What kind of complications?" NO! Oh god, fuck no, my brain screamed. I started shaking all over. No...no this is not happening.

"Lars, Jan is gone. His injuries were too extensive. My boy's dead," he sobbed.

"No...no...no, that's not possible!" I screamed into the phone. My eyes stung from the tears and I thought I felt a hand on my shoulder.

NO! This can't be happening. I was shaking violently. I couldn't say anything and I heard Mr. Elvestad calling to me on the line. "Lars, is Torben home?"

"No, no sir. My Da isn't here," I managed to say.

"Are you alone?"

What? No, I'm not alone." I turned and looked at James. He was standing beside me, a worried look on his face.

"Please have your Da call me, when he gets in. Okay?"

"Yes, sir. I understand. I'll have Torben call you as soon as he gets in, no matter what time it is. Yes...sir. I'm really sorry...you know I loved Jan."

"I know, Lars. We all did." Then the phone clicked, as he hung up.

I just stood there, looking at James. I couldn't move, couldn't breathe. I felt him take the phone from my hand and I sunk to the floor. James knelt down beside me.

"Lars, what's wrong?"

"It's Jan," I mumbled.

"Something happened to your friend?"

I nodded, unable to find the words. I looked up into James' blue eyes "He's dead... a car accident."

"I'm really sorry." He looked at a loss for what to say.

"He's the greatest tennis player in Denmark...did I tell you, he's ranked first? I mean, he was ranked first." I sobbed and pulled my knees into my chest and wiped my nose on my arm. "This can't be, James. It can't. It's not fair." I couldn't stand the pain. I felt so empty, so alone.

"Life's not fair Lars," he said. "People we love get taken away from us." I looked up at him. "I lost my mom a while back."

I felt so close to James right then. He understood how I felt. I couldn't help myself; I sat there, looking up into his eyes. "I'm so sorry about your mom, James."

I could hear him saying it would be all right. Fuck, it would never all right. But all I could see were those blue eyes. All I could feel were his strong arms around me. I looked up and touched his cheek gently. I couldn't help myself, I kissed him; softly at first, on his lips. He started to respond, so I went a little further and started kissing him harder. I wanted someone, needed someone. The next thing I knew, he hit me so hard, I went flying. I landed across the floor and curled up into a little ball as he stood above me screaming. All I could do was shake. No one had ever struck me before.

"Fuck, what the fuck are you doing?" he screamed.

"James? I... I don't understand. What's wrong? I thought..."

"Don't say another fucking word, you fucking pervert!"

Before I could even get up, James was out the door.

I had fucked up royally. I liked James and I only kissed him harder, because I needed him so bad right now, and when he kissed back I thought for sure...fuck! Oh fuck, this was awful - just awful. But it was all too much to think about. I left a note for Torben to call Jan's dad, and dragged myself upstairs and sat on my bed.

I didn't feel anything anymore. I was numb... Jan was gone; there was no one to protect me anymore... no one to talk to, who would understand? The only person I had ever really loved and who loved me totally, was gone. Without thinking, I had just ruined a friendship, before it really began. Things would never be the same again.

I felt like the walls were closing in on me. I had to get away. I knew James would never speak to me again. I felt like I lost both of them forever. Two days later, with Torben's blessing, I left for Europe.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Chapter 4

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was amazed at how cold the gray marble was as I knelt down before it, tracing the letters of his name with my finger. Coldness, that seemed to become a part of me. I wonder if I'd ever feel warm... feel anything.

Jan didn't like the cold. I shivered, realizing he'd never be warm again. I guess I knelt there for what seemed like hours, rocking back and forth, until I finally felt Jan's dad's hand on my shoulder.

"Come on, Lars, this is doing you no good. Let's go home, Ja? You'll stay in Jan's room. He'd have wanted you to."

"Ja, Mr. Elvestad. I'd like that." I told him, as we left the graveside. I paused for a minute. It was on the top of a beautiful hill. To the right and way off into the distance, you could actually see the stadium where Jan first told me... I mean where... we... I started crying again. Fuck I can't do this alone. I wiped the tears from my eyes, as I heard Jan's dad honk his horn. I turned and took one final look. "Goodbye, my love," I whispered and got into the car.

When we got back to the house, Jan's mom had made a wonderful lunch, but I didn't want to eat... I was tired and just wanted to lay down for a bit. I followed Mrs. Elvestad up the stairs to Jan's room. Man, I expected him to run out of the door and hit me with a pillow, like he use to. She turned the handle and the door squeaked as it opened on its hinges.

"I have to get Da to fix that. Jan hated that squeak," she told me. I could see the tears in her eyes.

'Ja, he said it was how you and his Da knew when he was trying to sneak out at night."

She smiled and touched my hair with her hand, smoothing it softly to the side. "You two were so close, Lars. Jan really loved you."

Right then, from the look in her eyes I swore she knew. "I loved him too," I told her, as we went into his room; I was afraid to offer more. It was strange... quiet. She turned down the bed and went to leave.

"Oh, Lars. I'd almost forgotten." She reached into her jacket pocket. "Here, this is for you," she said, holding out a small wrapped box and a letter. "Jan had asked me to mail it to you, the day before the accident. I guess with all that happened, I'd forgotten about it. I found it again, while putting his things away." She placed the package in my hands and left the room, closing the door behind her.

I looked at the letter for a long time, turning it over and over in my hand. I placed it along with the box on Jan's bed and started to walk around his room. I giggled a bit; Jan was so neat, just like me. I walked over to the dresser where his racket was laying. It was the one I'd given him when I went away. Leaning in front of it, was a picture of him and I. The coach had taken it at the last tournament we were in together. We were both smiling I was mugging for the camera as usual, but Jan was looking down at me. I never noticed that before. He was looking at me and smiling like I was the best thing in the world. I felt the tears splash onto my hand that was holding the photo. Carefully, I put the racket back and carried the picture over to the bed.

I sat on the edge of the bed, looking at that picture for a very long time. Finally, my eyes began to close, so I moved back and felt the hardness of that tiny box against my ass. Fuck. I just didn't want to open that letter or that box. I couldn't deal with what was in there. I just couldn't put myself through that, but I picked them both up and sat back, leaning against the headboard. I grabbed Jan's pillow and hugged it tightly, breathing in his scent. I could still smell him, just as if he was still there. This was so unfair, but what had James said? Life wasn't fair.

James! Oh fuck! I'd really messed that up. I could tell from his reactions to things and people, that there was something wrong - that he had been hurt, maybe by someone close to him. I had been so confused - he'd been there and I'd needed someone and he did kiss me back. Aw, shit! I'd finally found someone I felt right with, someone who could understand music like I did. I really liked him and I do something to make him hit me. I couldn't blame him... what guy wouldn't hit another guy who tries to kiss him? I leaned my head back against the cool wall.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" I whispered out loud, to accompany my banging my head. Once again, I knew I couldn't put it off any longer. I leaned down and picked up the letter. I opened it and began to read.

'Hej Pix. Well, I have some news for you in this letter. I know that we made plans to be together, once you are finished with school and all and since you've been a bit down; I decided to get you a present... it's in the box. Well I bet you guessed that, after all, why else would I send you a box.'

I picked up the box and looked at it. It was small and wrapped in gold paper. It was slim and I was sure he had gotten me a really nice gold bracelet. We had talked about getting matching ones, before I left. He was always doing things like that. I continued reading.

'I bet you think I got you a bracelet or something, don't you?' I laughed. He knew me so well.

'Of course, you could just open the box. But before you do, I want you to know something. I made a decision. As soon as this tour has ended, I am going to tell my parents about us. I know we agreed to move to the states and just start fresh., but I've decided I want them to know. If they don't accept us, then, that's fine, but they at least have the right to make their own decision. I'm sure you'll agree. You always told me I should be honest with them, huh Pix?'

I shook my head and my hand started to shake. I dropped the letter and ripped off the gold paper covering the box, but still I couldn't open it. I just clutched his pillow to my chest and rocked back and forth, burying my face and trying to stop the tears. Again, I tried to read the letter.

'Well, I've basically decided this and will probably do it next week. Anyway, back to the present. I know I should wait until I see you to do this, but I thought, since you have been so down lately this would make you smile. I really need to do this in person. But since I'm telling my parents anyway, well what I want to say, is open the box... go ahead I'll wait.'

My fucking hands were trembling. I opened the box and they just started to shake and I couldn't swallow. "Kneppe! Jan what are you doing to me?" I cried out softly. I lifted off the top of the box. There was a note telling me to look back at the letter.

'Lars, you know I really love you and that you are my whole life. I should probably be doing this in person, down on one knee, but I want us to be committed to one another and I want you to wear my ring. I love you Pixie, I always will. Whadda say? Be mine, forever, Lars? Um, call me when you get this... I don't think I can wait for a letter for your answer. I'll be home all next week. I have some time off and will be spending it at home with the folks. All my love, Jan.'

I held the small gold band in my fingers. It was beautiful - two bands twisted and braided into one. I slowly slipped it on my finger; I knew deep down, I would never take it off and with it, Jan would always be a part of me. Fuck, I felt so bad. I curled up into a little ball and fell asleep, crying and hugging Jan's pillow tightly.

The next thing I knew, Jan's mom was sitting beside me, gently shaking me. "Lars, wake up dear, you're having a nightmare." She spoke softly.

"What... whoa... I..." I bolted upright and sat there, stunned.

She held onto my hand. "Lars you were screaming; calling out for someone named James, to please forgive you and to stop hitting you."

My heart was racing. This thing with James was never going to let me alone. "I'm alright, really I am. I had a fight with a friend before I left the states." I ran my hand through my hair and she handed me a glass of water, she'd gotten from the bathroom. "I'll be okay now," I told her.

She took the glass from me and saw the ring on my finger. "Ah, I suspected that was what was in the box," she said softly. "Jan had asked me to help him pick it out for someone very special." She gently touched my cheek. "I thought it might be for you, Lars."

I was shaking. I remembered what Jan said about his parents not understanding about us. "Mrs. Elvestad... I..."

She put her fingers to my lips. "Lars, I've always thought of you as a son and I realized after Jan's death, I would have been happy for both of you, if you were my son's lover. It's hard for me, but I've always seen the way Jan looked at you and I'd hoped the separation would have made a difference. I'm ashamed to say this, but I was hoping it would've push you two apart. Well, it did make a difference; it brought you two even closer together. I decided then, that I would never have opposed his choice of you and I will always consider you, as if you were my own son."

I was shaking even harder now. "Does Mr. Elvestad know?"

"No, dear and it's best we leave it that way. This can be something just between us. Okay?"

I couldn't say anything, I nodded and just started crying. She sat next to me and rocked me in her arms. I could hear her softly humming the very same song Jan use to hum for me, when I couldn't sleep and before I knew it, I had drifted off, totally exhausted, once again.

The next morning came quickly... or should I say afternoon. I didn't wake up till well after one. My head was pounding and my arms were stiff from hugging Jan's pillow all night. Shortly after waking up, I realized I had come during the night, then I remembered the dream I'd had. My heart raced as I remembered it all.

It started out just like that night. I could hear him saying everything would be all right. All I could see, were those blue eyes. All I could feel, were his strong arms around me. I looked up and touched his cheek gently, then I kissed him on the lips. He started to respond; but this time, instead of hitting me, he kissed me back harder, pulling me into him.

He kept telling me over and over it would be all right, things would be okay as he kissed my face and my neck, working his way down my body. He pulled my shirt off and gently sucked and nipped at my nipple. I moaned and thrust my hips up toward him.

He reached down and rubbed my cock through my jeans. I ached, as he finally unbuttoned them and took my cock in his mouth. The warmth and wetness totally engulfed me and pulled me into spasms of pleasure and I came down his throat; James, swallowing it all.

I shuddered, got up and took a very cold shower.

I went downstairs and Jan's parents were in the kitchen having lunch. I'd made a decision that day and knew I couldn't put it off. I told them that I was leaving, this very afternoon. They were sad, but his mom understood that I needed to put some distance between Jan and I, or I may never be able to. Before going to the airport, I went to his graveside one last time.

"Well, I really love the ring." I had to tell him how I felt. I'd hope deep down that somehow he was able to hear me. I held the ring out. "See, I'm wearing it. I always will." I stopped finding it hard to find my voice. "I've made a decision. I've decided that having the biggest rock band in the world is exactly what I'm gonna do. I've learned you can't really rely on how things are gonna turn out in life. So, no matter what, I'm going for it, whatever it takes." I leaned down and put a single red rose on his grave. "I have to leave and I don't know when I'll be back, just know you're always in my heart."

I left with a sole purpose in mind... to start a band and be the best... I needed to learn how to do it. I needed to learn from whomever I could get close to. I was heading for England and Diamond Head.

**********

I'd written them so often, I was sure they would remember at least one of the letter's I'd sent. I knew the venues where they played, had little or no security. I decided, that if I hung around long enough, I was bound to be able to make my way back stage. After all, I would rely on my wit and natural charm. I realized that, if I was honest, I could talk anyone, into almost anything.

Fuck! The first night, my wit and natural charm got me thrown into a garbage dumpster behind the venue. Guess everyone wasn't taken aback by my charm. The fact that I looked thirteen, didn't help any. I managed to get my hands on a really good fake id. I was seventeen and it had my picture and said I was nineteen... this had to work, one way or the other.

I was desperate, so I went to the Marquee Club where the band would be playing for the next few days. I was so busy chatting up the bouncer at the door I never noticed Sean Harris and Duncan Scott walk right by us.

"Look, I'm telling you, I know Sean Harris," I told the bouncer.

"Aye, sure you do kid and I personally know the Queen, now piss off!" he growled at me.

"Okay, look just tell him Ulrich, Lars Ulrich... he'll tell you he knows me."

"Yeah right... I'm getting pissed off, you know..." The guy started to say, when he was interrupted by someone inside the doorway.

"Hey, mate what did you say you name was?" the voice from inside, called out.

"Lars Ulrich," I called into the darkness.

I stood there, as Sean Harris came out of the door. "It's okay, Za," he said to the bouncer. "No worries here."

I smiled as I waked past the man. "Thanks," I said cheerfully.

I followed Sean into the club. He walked passed a few other big guys and walked over to the stage. He jumped up and sat on the edge, next to Duncan Scott and Brian Tatler. "Right, so tell me again, why is your name so familiar to me?" he asked.

"Well I've written you guys a few letters," I said, smiling. "I think you're the greatest band around. You really kick ass!" I gushed.

Sean smiled. Wow, he had a beautiful smile. I couldn't help but notice how powerful he was. The guy had such a presence, kinda like James.

"That's it... Oi, Brian this is the Dutch kid from the states that wrote to our fan club twenty times, looking for the white album."

Brian laughed. "Yeah, Sean. I remember your mum talking about his letters. You're quite a fan, aren't you?"

"I am a big fan and I'm not Dutch - I'm Danish and I'm not a friggen kid. I mean, I know I look young, but I'm nineteen. How else would I be traveling around Europe, alone?"

"Relax, Lars," Sean said, smiling. "So you're traveling around Europe? How come?"

"Well, actually, I'm trying to learn as much about this business as I possibly can. I play tennis and I've been all over Europe. I've always wanted to check you guys out. I love music and think NWOBHM is the most awesome music around. I came all the way from the states, to learn as much as I can. Of course, I think guys like you, Motorhead and Anthrax are leading the way."

"Wow, all the way from America. Pretty decent of you, to come all that way," Duncan piped in. "So, do you play an instrument, Lars?

"I've banged around on the drums a bit," I told him, I really didn't want to focus on me - I just wanted to learn everything about them.

"Well, tell you what. Why don't you stay at my place for the next week? That way, you can check out what we do, and how it all works," Sean offered.

"Wow, that's fucking great," I yelled, trying not to sound too excited.

"Hey, it's the least I can do, with being on your own and coming all the way from America.

That night, I watched it all from the wings. The stage crew, the set up, the sound system. The band was awesome and had the crowd wrapped around their fingers, as they flew through one heavy riff to another. This was unbelievable, the crowd the energy... I wanted it - I wanted it all.

Afterwards, I helped the guys to load up their camper, then we drove out to Sean's parent's place. He set up a few pillows and a couple of blankets on the floor for me and put on 'It's Electric' for us to listen to... I stayed up all night, listening to that record, over and over. When Sean woke up the next morning, I was still listening to it.

Fuck, these guys were great. They took me under their wings and really let me see how everything worked. They even let me sit in on their song writing sessions at Brian's house. I was so overwhelmed, that most of the time I sat there, mesmerized, soaking it all in. Brian and Sean worked so well together. If I wasn't listening to them, I was watching their videos, or listening to their collection of tapes. By the time I left, I had the best  
collection of music anywhere.

There were a few other things they taught me. I was no virgin to beer, but I also got very familiar with the fine art of drinking vodka and Jaegermeister. They also introduced me to my first experience with a joint. I will remember that night for a very long time. I guess it was about the beginning of the third week, that Sean woke me in the middle of the night. I was still so fucking high.

"Lars, man." He was shaking me. "Lars, you're dreaming - moaning actually...wake up."

"Hmm... Sean? What's up?" I said sleepily, as I rubbed my eyes, trying to adjust them to the light.

Sean crouched down and sat beside me, on the floor. "Lars, you were moaning in your sleep and gasping, crying out for someone called James... asking for more, yelling for him - to fuck you harder."

Oh fuck, I would never escape him. Would I? I rested my head against my knees for a minute, then looked up. "I'm sorry, Sean. It's someone I was close to back home... I mean..." How the fuck did I tell him I was into guys?

Before I could say another word, Sean put his finger on my lips and I flinched. "It's alright, Lars." He leaned forward and brushed his lips softly against mine. He leaned into me and kissed me. I was confused at first, then I responded and opened my mouth, letting his tongue gain entrance. Man, he was so sweet and he was kissing me, wanting me. I pulled back, unsure, at first. I didn't want a repeat of what happened with James. This time I would make sure.

"Sean?" I questioned.

"I want you, Lars, but only if you want to." He smiled his cute smile. "I won't hurt you."

I nodded and moved closer to him, moving my hand down his chest. I pulled at his nipple, then nipped and sucked at it, tracing lazy circles around it with my tongue. I moved down his chest and he leaned back against the bed. "I want to suck you," I told him, my voice sounded all hoarse.

Sean pulled down his shorts and scooted out of them. God, he had a nice cock. I leaned forward and he pulled my hair to the side, so he could see my face. I started licking him with short little licks, all over his balls, while tracing my fingers over the length and head of his cock. I kept licking him, driving him insane, as he thrust his hips up, trying to get me to take him fully in my mouth.

"God, Lars, suck me," he hissed.

"Not, yet. Just relax and enjoy this."

"Fuck, you're good at this. It's pure torture," he said as he guided my head. "Please, Lars I need you to suck me, now."

I took his cock and slowly slid my mouth over its head. He bucked his hips forward and started a smooth rhythm back and forth between my lips. It didn't take long. I was good at this. "Yessssss," he groaned, as he shot his seed down my throat.

When he finished coming, he pulled me up and kissed me. Rolling me over onto my back, he kept kissing me, over and over. I started giggling. He looked into my eyes and smiled. "You're so sweet, Lars"

I gazed back at him and, all I wanted him to do, was to fuck me, as hard as possible. "Take me, Sean please?" I moaned.

He kissed me on the nose. "Soon, but first... I'm gonna give you a taste of your own medicine," he said, as he slowly started licking down my chest. I thrust my hips forward to meet his lips, but the fucker just passed my cock. Shit, I was in for some torture. Ah, but what sweet torture it was. Sean was really amazing. He licked and nipped at every inch of flesh, driving me crazy. His tongue traced lazy lines up and down my cock, licking lightly at the head, sending shivers down my spine. I whimpered.

"Sean, please," I begged. He slipped his fingers into my mouth and I sucked on them, covering them with my saliva. He moved his hand down and slowly inserted one, then two fingers inside me. I pushed back against him, gasping, as they brushed against my prostate and my cock twitched against his cheek. He slipped it between his lips as he included a third finger. God, he was taking my whole cock down his throat. I shifted forward and bucked into his warm mouth. My whole body shuddered as I came and he  
swallowed every drop.

Sean moved around me and took a tube out of his nightstand. I moaned as he bent forward and kissed my lips. "Not so loud," he said softly. I guess I was a bit vocal. I watched him spread the lube on his cock, as he stood over me looking like a predator. "You're so sweet, Lars." He repeated, leaned down and kissed me, I could feel his cock pressing against my opening. He slowly pushed inside and I gasped, my muscles clenching tightly around his cock. He moaned and drew in his breath. He moved his arms around, to cradle my legs and pushed them forward, giving him better access, as he started his rhythm, plunging deep inside me.

"Yes! fuck yes! God! Harder!" I wanted him to take me and take me hard, make me forget about everything. All that mattered was him and his hard cock, taking me. I could see the look on his face as he started to come. He was lost in the pleasure. I clamped down tightly and could feel his seed pumping inside me, as he cried out.

"Fuck, Lars... oh yes, so sweet," he gasped out, as he fell forward, lying along my chest. He looked up and licked my cheek, then kissed me. He pulled out of me and I whimpered. "So sweet," he whispered again, into my ear, then we both fell into a deep sleep, on the floor.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was like that for the next six weeks. I would suck him and he would fuck me and make me come over and over again. I was in an orgasmic haze. Between the sex and the booze and the pot, I thought I might never leave. The guys, too, seemed to get used to me hanging around, now. I was totally accepted, even backstage, wherever they went - and where Sean was, I wasn't far behind.

During these weeks, I managed to catch Motorhead, Saxon and Judas Priest. Sean was able to get me backstage and I could talk to most of them. It was probably the best time of my life. I listened and learned.

We were headed back to London and the Marquee Club - the band had to do a make-up gig. It seems, one night, Sean couldn't be found - he was too busy fucking me and I'd sucked him off so many times, we fell asleep, exhausted and missed the gig. So to make up for it, Sean agreed to headline for a lesser band that was up and coming. They were called Defiler and their manager thought that the Diamond Head crowd would be the perfect draw for their music. I had never heard of this band, but Sean seemed to think they were cool.

We got to the venue late so I didn't hear Defiler play, I was too busy making out with Sean in the back, when they filed off stage. I couldn't even see them. I heard them though, cursing and swearing, throwing bottles around. They crowded off to the small dressing room.

"I gotta get on stage, Lars," Sean kissed me on the nose. "Um... I know you wanted to talk to Evan about the sound system, but before you go, hang around for the first song. I've written it with you in mind." He smiled and went on stage.

They started playing and Sean broke out into the most erotic song I'd ever heard. 'Sucking my love.' Damn, it was fucking awesome and it was for me. I could feel myself blushing and when he finished, he looked at me and threw me a kiss. Damn, I was finally feeling happy again. It had taken long enough. I was going to hate leaving here, but before I could even think about that, I felt myself grabbed from behind, by a strong grip. A clammy hand wrapped around my mouth.

"Don't even think of screaming, girly. It won't do you any good." A drunken, slurred voice whispered into my ear. "You're giving it to that Sean guy, now me and my mates are gonna have a bit of fun." I struggled wildly, but the large figure was too strong and he pulled me into the small dressing room, located behind the stage.

The light was bright inside and I blinked, taking the room in quickly. It was only a tiny room... the dressing room had solid black walls and a mirror that covered one wall completely. There was a long bench that reached around the walls and a toilet was at one end. The other four guys were sitting around, smoking pot and drinking. Bottles were thrown everywhere. Fuck, it was the guys from that band, Defiler.

"Hey, Giles. Whatcha got there?" one of then said, coming toward me. He reached up and stroked my hair. "What a pretty little thing," he said. "We gonna have some fun with her?"

Her? Shit! Fuck! They thought I was a girl. From behind, I guess I looked like one, with my long hair and loose shirt. They must have seen Sean and I making out in the hall and thought I was a groupie. I felt the other guy pull at my jeans and start to unbutton them. No! My mind cried out and I tried to pull away. He just pinched me and told me to stay still. I stopped struggling. I felt my pants being pulled down, then off my legs.

"Um... Giles, I think you better have a look at this," another guy said. Giles was the lead singer. I had heard Sean mention his name before. He motioned to two of the other guys, to grab hold of me.

"Here, take her and hold her tight." He handed me to the other guys.

The blond guy started to giggle. "What the fuck are you laughing at?" Giles growled at the man, hitting him in the head. I watched, as the other fellow cowered. It seemed Giles had a mean streak.

He pointed meekly at me. "Seems your gelding is really a stud!" he snickered.

Giles reached up and ripped my shirt open. He looked at my cock and an evil smiled crossed his lips. "All the better for us, Mates." He looked closer. "The little fuckers hung like a fucking race horse." He grabbed my cock and pulled hard on it. I screamed.

"Fuck you, fucker, let me go!" I yelled for help.

He just laughed. "Go ahead - yell as loud as you want. No one can hear you, back here. The band's too loud." He nodded toward the wall and I felt myself being pulled face down, across the hard wooden bench. I could feel my cheek bruise from the force and I started to cry. Fuck, he was right! No one would hear me. Sean, please help me! I kept thinking over and over, but I knew he wouldn't come. He thought I was off with Evan, learning about the sound system.

I could see Giles in the mirror, grabbing the blond and pushing his pants down. "Do him," he snarled.

He dropped to his knees on the bench and entered me in one thrust. I could feel myself tear and the blood run down my leg. "Fuck no... please... don't do this to me... it hurts..." They all laughed. Fuck, I could see it all in the mirror, all of them standing there, as he fucked me. Watching, getting off on it... my fear and pain.

Giles leaned down and pulled my hair, forcing my head back. "It hurts, stop," he mocked. "You better just shut up, slut." He smacked me. "You're my fucking cunt - mine to do with, as I please. This is just the beginning." He licked my face and released my hair, banging my head hard against the wood. I felt dizzy and nauseous. It was hot and the room was spinning. I could hardly breathe.

They pulled my arms tighter. I banged into the hard wood, as the blond one pounded into me, then withdrew, as he finally came. Please let it be over...let it be over... oh no... no... not another... I felt myself mounted again and the pain... fuck, the pain!

Giles moved back over to me. His pants were down and he had his cock in his hand. The other guy was fucking me harder and Giles reached over and looked into my eyes. He pulled a knife out of his pocket and put it on the bench. "Bite me and you fucking die, cunt. Understand?"

I nodded and flinched from the pain of the other one, digging his nails into my waist.

He forced his cock down my throat. I tried to pull away. He smelled of piss and sweat and I gagged as his cock hit the back of my throat. I closed my eyes tightly, hoping this was a bad dream - that it would end. I screamed, as the one guy rammed me hard again. I could feel him coming inside me, pushing his cock deep within me, forcing me forward on Giles cock. He started to come and I swallowed, hoping to keep from choking.

"God, yessssss, your mouth's so fucking good," he hissed.

The second guy had finished and a third one came up behind me. I tried to relax, so he wouldn't hurt me, but I felt something cold and hard being thrust inside me. Oh no... no! He was fucking me with his beer bottle. I tried to move, but Giles lay across my back. "Take it, cunt."

"Hey, Stu. Try this one," the blond fucker said, as he handed this large bottle to the other man.

"Blimey that's huge," he said, as he pulled the other bottle out of me.

"Wait," Giles cried. "Flip him over on his back, first. I wanna watch the little slut's face"

The other two released me, but I was too sore and stiff to even try and move, or get away. Giles flipped me over and they grabbed me again, holding on tight to my arms. He pulled my legs back and that fucker Stu worked the bottle into my ass. I cried out. I could feel my insides stretch and I cried. Giles leaned down and licked my tears away. "Cry for me my little, cunt," he whispered into my ear. He grabbed my cock and started jerking it,  
roughly, back and forth. My body betrayed me as I came.

I couldn't take the pain anymore and I passed out. When I came to, one of the guys who had been holding me for so long, was laying along me, pumping into me. I felt him stiffen and come. I thought I would go insane. Please make it stop...please! But I was taken again. By now, they had stopped holding me. I couldn't move, even if I wanted to. My body was sore and swollen. The pain was awful. God... no more... please... pain... no more. "No more," I whispered.

Then it stopped. It had gotten really quiet and I knew they were done. I heard the door open and close, then I thought I heard someone say that Diamond Head's set was almost finished, that the van was packed and ready to go. Fuck, no! Were they planning on taking me? God, please no! I struggled to get up.

Giles leaned down, getting really close to my face. "Hurt didn't it?" he asked. "You were delicious, baby, I've decided to leave you something to remember me by," He started removing his belt. It had a large silver buckle on the end. I started to cry and tried to get up.

"Turn him over and hold him tight," he ordered. I was grabbed again and splayed across the bench.

One of his band mates grabbed him. "Giles, he's had enough. You'll kill him."

Giles pushed him into the wall. "No, I won't kill him. I think I wanna take him with us. He's so delicious. I'm just going to show him who he belongs to, now." He raised the belt and cracked it hard across my back. I wanted to pass out, wanted the pain to stop, but I was afraid to lose control. I had to stay awake, to survive.

I could feel the welts rising on my body, as he struck me again and again. Finally, the two guys who were holding me, let go and grabbed him. "Fuck, that's enough, Giles. Leave him here, let's go," they pleaded and dragged him out the door.

I heard him yelling that he wanted to take me and I struggled to get up - had to get out of there. I fell off the bench and passed out, on the cold stone floor.

The next thing I remember, was waking up in the hospital, Sean holding my hand, his head on my bedside. He was crying. I looked around and the other guys were standing there. They looked awful.

"Hej, fuckers. You all look down," I managed to say. My throat was raw and it was hard to talk.

"Lars, thank god," Duncan said. "We were worried, we might lose you."

"I'm here for you, Lars. We'll get through this, together," Sean promised me, as he soothed my head with his hand.

I shook my head and mercifully, fell asleep, once again.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A week later, I was released from the hospital. Sean decided he wanted to take a couple of weeks off and just hang out with me at his grandparent's home, in the country. I agreed and Brian went with us. They worked on songs while my body and spirit healed. I was never more thankful for both of them. Sean was patient and kind. He actually made me feel wanted and loved again. It took some doing, but I was finally able to let him make love to me again. We had decided to go on a picnic. There was a little lake near the house and we walked over to it. Sean spread a large blanket on the ground and we just lay there, looking up at the clouds passing by.

"So, no song writing today?" I asked him.

"Nah, Brian took a ride into Brighton, to see his sister." Sean turned to me. "Besides, I wanted to spend some time alone, with just you."

"Sean... um... I..."

"You have to let me in, little one. I know you were hurt, but I'm not going to do that to you. Lars, you're going home soon and I know I can't let you go, without being with you one last time." He touched my cheek and I flinched.

"I want to, you know I do, but... I"

He didn't let me finish, he just kissed me. I felt my whole body stiffen and I started to shake. "Relax, little one, it's okay, I'm just going to make you feel good." Sean reached over and unbuttoned my pants. "I'm going to make you come. This is all for you."

I moaned, as I felt him rub his hand lightly over my cock. I shivered. "God, that feels so good," I whispered, as my breath quickened.

"That's all I want, Lars." Sean kissed me, then started working his way down my neck, licking and kissing me, taking small nips at my chest, as he began to work my cock gently back and forth in his hand. I started to move my hips to meet his movements, then he started kissing me down my chest and across my stomach. He traced lazy circles around my belly button and started to move toward my cock.

It all felt so good, that I just didn't care anymore. I wanted him to suck me, to make me his again and to make all the pain go away.

He looked up at me. "Do you want this, Lars?" his voice was so hot, so soothing.

I looked down and nodded. "More than anything," I moaned.

He licked at the tip of my cock and I shuddered. Fuck. Oh fuck. He started to take it into his mouth and I bucked my hips wildly. I could feel my balls tighten, just as he reached down and started stroking them, I came, as he sucked greedily, swallowing all of my come.

My body kept shaking, long after he finished. He moved up along side of me, cradling me in his arms. "Shhhh... it's all right, baby,' he whispered.

"I'm okay." I smiled at him. "It just felt so fucking good. No pain. No pain." I started to cry.

"I'd never hurt you. You deserve better than that. This whole thing wasn't your fault, Lars. Do you understand that?"

I nodded. "Make love to me, Sean. Please. I want you inside me."

"You sure you're ready for that, baby?"

I looked at him with tears in my eyes. "Please."

Sean reached into the basket and took out some lube. I smiled and he blushed. "I was hoping you would want me." His voice was so smooth, so sexy. No wonder hundreds of girls screamed for him.

I wiggled out of my pants and watched, as he stood above me and took his off. Man, he was beautiful. He knelt down and put some lube on his fingers. "I'm gonna do this really slow. If it hurts, tell me and I'll stop."

I nodded as he slowly inserted one finger inside of me. I could feel the muscles tightening and willed myself to relax.

"Breathe, deep," he said softly and I did. He wiggled a second and a third finger inside of me and leaned over and kissed me. I whimpered, as he began to move his fingers back and forth, smoothly at first and slowly, all the while, kissing me, his tongue exploring and licking and sucking. I was in heaven. He removed his fingers and I couldn't help but whimper. "Turn on your side," he said.

I did and he moved behind me, putting his arm under my head and using his other hand to put some more lube on his cock. He guided his cock slowly into me, waiting until I nodded, before he started moving back and forth. He reached around and started playing with my nipples, pulling and twisting them. I bit my lip hard, as he started to move faster and inside of me.

"So good... yes. Faster. Please fuck me faster," I begged.

Sean pulled me close to him and reached around me, grabbing my cock, the lube still slick on his hand. He pumped me and I grew hard again. I could feel him swelling inside of me, as he increased his pumping.

"Come with me, little one... please," he begged me and I did. Just as I felt him filling me with his seed, I exploded all over his hand.

We stayed there, locked together, for a very long time. Finally, I turned and kissed him. "Thank you. I feel alive again."

"Remember, Lars. You have to do what makes you happy and not let anyone stand in your way. Don't let this stop you. Be stronger because of it, not weaker. You have it in you, I know you do."

I knew I had heard words very much like those once before from... Jan. A lone tear fell down my cheek. I nodded and smiled, then we cleaned up and head back to the house.

We made love every day after that and a week later, I was headed home, determined no fucking body would stand in my way. No one would ever use me like that, ever again. It was good to be coming home and despite all that happened, I learned so fucking much.

I knew for a fact, I was a survivor now. I had a plan. Before I left, I made a quick call to the States. I had to check on something with Ace. More then anything, I wanted to see James again. I figured on the perfect gift to break the ice.

First thing I did, was get my ass into drum school. I enrolled at West coast drums. It had been no problem to remember different beats and tempos - I'd learned a lot in England. When I went to this school, everything came flooding back to me, so I brought myself a better, second-hand Camco kit.

This time I set about doing things right. I jammed with as many other musicians as I possibly could, all the while thinking about one thing... James.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Chapter 5

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A few weeks had passed, and I decided I needed to see him - I just couldn't wait any longer. I grabbed my jacket and the White Album record I had brought back for him and headed out the door. He may take one look at me and throw me down the steps, but it was a chance I had to take.

It didn't take me long to get there. I took the station wagon that Torben had gotten for me. It was an older, second hand Ford wagon, but it was really cool, having my own set of wheels. I pulled up in front of James' house and sat there for a few minutes. Shit, my stomach was in knots. I don't know if I was more afraid he'd hit me when he saw me, or if I would be more disappointed if he turned me away.

I jumped out of the car and took the front steps two by two. The front door was slightly open and I could hear yelling coming from inside. I could hear James screaming and I saw this man standing over him, hitting him with a belt - a fucking belt. Not again!

I heard James say, "Pops. Please. Please. Why won't you believe me? I'm your fucking son. Why don't you believe me? What reason would I have for lying?"

Fuck, this had to stop. "Hej, what the fuck is going on?" I yelled hoping to distract his dad. Shit, it was his father beating on him. Why would a man hit his own son like that? The beating stopped for a minute, then James got up and his dad hit him again.

"Hey, fucker. Don't hurt him!" I moved quickly and without thinking, pushed the man toward the wall. I hated bigger fuckers taking advantage of people, just because they were larger and they had a belt.

"Who on earth do you think you are?" he yelled at me. "James, who is this child?"

What the fuck was it with everyone thinking I was a little kid? I'd had it! "Don't fucking call me a child." I screamed. "And don't you hurt James like that. You're his father. Don't you have any fucking respect for him?" I couldn't help it; I was like a wild animal. I kept yelling and pushing him back. All I cared about, was getting him away from James.

"Lars... don't... please. It's okay," James said.

Okay? The fucker was being beaten and he said it was okay. I had it with him too. If he wasn't going to do something to protect himself, I was.

I turned and faced him. "How can you stay here, James? How the fuck can you let him hurt you like that? What kind of a fucking father does that to his son?"

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" James' father roared from behind me. Just as I turned, the fucker punched me square in the face. FUCK! That hurt! I really saw stars as I flew down the hallway, blood pouring from my nose.

"YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE!" I heard James scream and turned just in time to see him throw himself at his dad. He pushed him into the wall so hard, I swore I heard his finger snap. Enough was enough! I grabbed James around the waist and dragged him out of the house.

James struggled a bit, but I finally got him outside and opened the car door, pointing inside. "Come on!" I said tightly. "We're going to my place."

"But..." He seemed hesitant, like he wanted to go back inside or something. No fucking way.

"Get the fuck into the fucking car!" I snapped as I went around to the driver side and got into my car and waited for him. He got in and I drove off down the road. Fuckers drove so fucking slow around here. Right now, all I wanted to do was get home and stop shaking.

All the way back I couldn't say a thing. I just started to cry, remembering how Giles and the others had hurt me, beaten me and taken advantage of me. I couldn't stand to see James going through the same kind of thing - someone older and stronger hurting him. It was awful.

We finally got to my place. I jumped out of the car and opened the passenger door for him. "Come on in," I said, trying to be calm. James followed behind me.

We went into the kitchen and I put on a pot of coffee and washed the blood off of my face. Fuck, my nose was killing me. I turned and looked at James. He looked awful. "Are you all right?"

He just nodded.

"Jesus fucking Christ, James. How long has he been beating you?"

Again, he didn't answer me, just sat there looking at me, then I saw he was holding his hand. Fuck, he must have broken his finger. He was cradling it like it was a baby.

"Let me see." I held out my hand to him and he pulled back. Shit, this wasn't going to be easy was it? "I'm not gonna hurt you James. I just want to look," I said, keeping my voice soft.

He held out his hand so I could examined the swollen finger. "Shit. That might be broken. Wait there. Don't move," I went upstairs and got the first aid kit, then I wrapped up his finger and used the one next to it for some support. I got some ice out of the fridge and put it in a plastic bag for him, placing it carefully on his hand. "There. You know, if that's not better by tomorrow, we may need to get a doctor to look at your finger," I said, then I noticed James smiling at me.

"Your nose is bleeding again," he said.

Fuck. I reached up and touched it carefully. "Hope it's not broken. I kinda like my nose the way it is," I went to the fridge and got some more ice to put on it, then made us both some coffee.

We sat there for a long time, neither one of us saying anything. I knew it would be up to me. I couldn't let James go back to that. No one deserved to be hurt like that by their own father. "You aren't going back there," I finally told him.

"I have to."

"Fuck no. You're staying here until you can find somewhere else. There's no fucking way I'm letting you go back." I could feel myself getting angry and I tried to force myself to stay calm. How could he accept being treated like this?

Finally, James seemed to accept my offer. He nodded and for the first time that night, I smiled.

"Come up to my room," I said. "Let's talk."

"You mean, you'll talk, I'll listen? James teased.

I laughed at him. I could tell he wasn't serious. "Ja. If you like."

We went upstairs to my room and I settled back onto of the huge cushions, then tossed one to James. James sat down next to me, then I realized I'd forgotten his present in the car. "Hey. I got something for you. That's why I was coming over, to give it to you. It's in the car. Be right back." I left the room and raced down stairs.

Fuck, I knew I would have to be careful, James really wasn't sure of me yet and I could finally see where all that mistrust had come from. Fuck, his own dad beating him. This was awful. I opened the car door, grabbed the bag and ran back up the stairs.

I came back into the room and flung myself down on the floor. I held out the bag to him. "Here," I said. He looked at me kind of strange like the bag was going to blow up in his face, or something.

"What is it?" he asked me sounding unsure.

"Fuck, James. Just take it. It's not gonna explode or anything. I bought it for you, because I thought you might like it." Damn, he was going to have to start trusting me.

He finally took the bag from me, opened it and pulled out the White Label album by Diamond Head. Wow, he looked stunned.

"I phoned up Spin City before I got it," I told him. "Ace said they still didn't have a copy in, so I got it for you... and look... it's signed." I pointed proudly to the signatures. "I... uh... hung around with the guys for a while." Fuck, that brought back some memories.

"I... thanks," he said at last. "It's real cool."

I took a swig of coffee. "Man, James. It was awesome in England. I hung around with some real cool bands I stayed with Sean Harris and they let me sit in on their writing and rehearsals. I learns a crap-load"

"Learned a shit-load," he corrected me with a smile.

I liked it when he did that. He didn't make me feel stupid. He kind of just laughed about it a bit and corrected me. From him, it seemed natural. I started to laugh and hit him in the arm lightly. James pulled away and jumped about a mile high. Damn, I was stupid

I felt really bad. "Sorry," I said quietly. "I guess I know why you always seem kinda jumpy now."

James must have wanted to change the subject. He handed me the picture of Jan and me. "Is that your friend?" he asked.

I picked up the picture and smiled down at it. I could feel the tears coming to my eyes. "Ja. This is Jan,"

"You guys look close."

God, now what do I do? Do I tell James the truth and risk damaging our friendship again? I made a decision. I took a deep breath for some courage. "James.. I'm gonna tell you this, because... well, I don't like lying to my friends and I consider you my friend... me and Jan were... more than friends. We were lovers."

He frowned at me and looked really upset, like he was concerned for me. "Is that why you came to the States? To get away from him?"

"What?" I didn't understand. Why would James think I wanted to get away from Jan? "No. Torben wanted us to come here he thought it would be better for my tennis career. I wouldn't have left Jan if I'd had a choice."

"You'd have stayed with him?" he asked me. He sounded shocked, and I could see something wasn't right here.

"Yeah. Of course I would." I felt bad. Why on earth would James think I would want to get away?

He looked as confused as I guess I did. "You were pretty young?" he finally said.

"Things are different in Denmark, more open," I said, hoping to explain a bit. "Easier than here. I was fifteen when Jan and I... When we got together. Our coach knew, Torben and Lone knew and Jan's mom had an idea, though we never mentioned it to her. It was cool. We could be with each other and no one would say shit about it."

"And they didn't stop it? They let him do that to you?"

Fuck! I could feel the blood drain from my face. I finally began to understand why James was so shocked. "Oh my God... James? You think he hurt me?"

He looked down. "Isn't that the way it always is?"

Boy, I had to set him straight - make him understand. "Shit no! Fuck! We loved each other. He would never hurt me. I wanted to be with him forever. If he'd... he'd lived, I think I would've spent the rest of my life with him, when I was old enough." There was a long silence, I raised his chin and made James look at me. He looked away. "Who hurt you that way, James? Did someone take you by force? Is that why you hit me when I kissed you that time?"

He got up and went to the window.

I had to try and make him understand. "It doesn't have to hurt between two guys, James. It really doesn't and when they love each other like me and Jan loved each other, nothing else matters. It's the best feeling in the world." Shit, I could feel myself losing it. I tried not to, but I started crying. The loss of Jan and trying to help James became too much for me right now. Fuck.

I felt James next to me on the floor. I froze and didn't move. I didn't want to scare him away again. Then I felt him touch my shoulder and I shuddered, Shit, I would have to be careful around him. What he did to me, just by being next to me, was hard to deal with. How could I be having these feelings for him? It was different then being with Sean. It was too soon after Jan.

"I'm sorry, Lars." James said. "I guess... I never felt like that for anyone before. It's hard for me to... uh... understand."

James slowly moved forward and put his arms around me. Man, this was nice. He leaned his cheek on the top of my head. I felt close and protected, for the first time since I left Sean. I snuggled against him. James pulled me to him for a minute, then abruptly he released me. It was enough for now.

I wiped my eyes and looked up at James, I probably shouldn't do this but I had to - those blue eyes called to me, so I kissed him lightly on the lips. I flinched as I felt his body stiffen and braced for the punch. When he just pulled back and looked at me, blue eyes questioning, I said, "You see, James. It doesn't have to hurt." Oh God it didn't hurt. It felt fucking wonderful. His lips were warm and if I didn't have this exacting fear of being pummeled, it would have been the best damn feeling in the world to me.

James got up off the floor. I could see he needed to put some distance between us. "Will your pop mind me staying?" he asked.

"No. He won't. Don't worry about him," I said, knowing Torben would be fine with James staying as long as he needed to.

He nodded.

I walked over to him and gently touched his arm. "He won't hurt you either, James. From what I've seen, it's what you're used to. No wonder you're so jumpy. You gotta relax. No one's gonna shout at you or hit you here. Even when Torben got angry with me when I was younger, he never, ever hit me. He just doesn't do things that way." I smiled at him, realizing he needed a change of subject once again. "I'm starving. Are you hungry?"

"A little."

"Great. I'll make those burgers, we never got to eat last time." I thought of something. "By the way, you'll need your clothes and all that shit. I'd lend you mine, but you wouldn't fit them." I giggled; finding the picture of James crammed into my tiny jeans, really funny.

"Can I call my brother?" he asked. "I can ask him to get some for me."

"Sure. Phones over there, on the nightstand. While you do that. I'll go start dinner." I went down to get things started, while he called his brother.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

We finished eating and James' brother had come to the house with his clothes. I went upstairs and let them talk in the hall, alone. I figured he might want to tell his brother what happened. Maybe he would reach out to him? I guess I was wrong. His brother didn't stay very long and James quickly came back upstairs with his clothes.

I watched him as he changed his T-shirt and figured he probably wanted a shower. He just didn't look right, I could tell he still had something on his mind - something bad - but I wasn't gonna push just yet. He went to take his shower and I put his clothes away for him, giving him two bottom drawers and a bit of space in the closet. I may as well make him feel at home, while he was here. It'd be cool, having a roomy for a while.

When he came out of the shower, I put on some tunes and we talked a bit. I showed him where his clothes were, then filled him in on all the bands I saw, while in England. I told him how much fun I had while I was there. I loved talking to James. He really seemed to enjoy hearing about all my adventures. I thought he would die laughing, when I told him about being tossed in the dumpster.

I felt like I could tell him anything, well almost anything. I purposely kept my relationship with Sean out of the conversation; one confession tonight to James, was more than enough. I didn't know how he would take me being with someone else, besides Jan.

I guess we had been talking for a couple of hours and I started to yawn. I got up and took off most of my clothes, I figured I would keep my shorts on tonight. I usually slept without them, but I figured James might freak if I did. We had made up a small bed on the floor with a bunch of cushions, for tonight. Tomorrow, I'd get Torben to rig up a cot or another small bed for James.

I jumped into bed and snuggled under the covers. I couldn't resist leaning over the edge, to take a last look at him. He looked so beautiful, lying there; I gave into temptation and leaned over the side to touch his hair. It was so golden and spread across the pillow, I just wanted to touch it - touch him. This was going to be hard. His friendship meant more to me than anything else did, but I honestly felt myself feeling something more for him.

I had to stop. No matter what, I decided to put our friendship first. I smiled at him and I actually felt like I would finally get a good night sleep. With James there, I felt really happy for the first time in a long while. I knew this was the beginning of fulfilling my dream - James and me. Together, we were going to take over the world and nothing would stop us.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Fuck! Someone was screaming. I roused myself and tried to calm my heart from racing... it was James. "James!" I kept my voice soft so I wouldn't startle him. Jumping out of bed, I knelt down next to him.

He'd woken me from a sound sleep and he was screaming and punching the air. I didn't know what to do, so I jumped on top of him and held his arms down, until I could wake him. I tried one more time. "James. Wake the fuck up. You're dreaming. Wake up. It's me, Lars!"

He finally woke up, all sweaty and he was having a really hard time breathing. "Jesus, man. You frightened the shit out of me." I told him. All he was able to do was sob. I released him, as he tried to sit up.

I jumped off of him and went to the small lamp on the nightstand. "I'm gonna switch on the light," I told him, so he wouldn't get startled again. In the sudden light, I could see him sitting there, looking like a lost little kid. "James, are you all right?"

He just nodded. "Sorry. I was having a bad dream," he managed to tell me, in between gasps for air.

"Shit. I thought I had some bad ones, but you really made me think you were being murdered." I smiled at him, hoping to put him at ease. "You wanna tell me about it?"

"No. It's okay, just a dream," he said, shaking his head.

Bullshit! I could tell it was more than just a dream. But I also knew James had to come to me. I couldn't force him. He had to want to tell me and it looked like he was bullied and forced for a very long time. I reached my arms out to him, just doing what was natural for me. "Come here. You need a hug."

He didn't move. It looked like he was lost, almost like he wanted someone to take control. I moved over to him and took him by the hand, leading him to my bed. "Get in," I said firmly, making sure that he understood that there was no room for an argument.

James listened, moving almost like a robot. I pulled the covers over him and got in on the other side of the bed. Pulling him close to me, I wrapped my arms around him. I could feel his body go rigid, even while his breathing started to calm a bit. I remembered that we talked about babies in class, who were abandoned and abused, how when they were held and comforted, it took a long time before they could relax. It was the touching that made a difference. I was determined to make a difference with James.

I began to stroke his hair. Damn, I was fascinated with that blond mane. James wasn't what you would call overly beautiful, but I felt my heart melting, as I continued to play with his golden locks. Finally, I felt him relax a bit and snuggle closer to me. "Don't worry, James. It's gonna be all right. I promise. No one is ever going to hurt you again. They'll have to go through me first." I whispered gently, moving my lips against his head, barely kissing him. "Never again, you have my word."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

I woke up early and the sun was just creeping into the room - should have shut those fucking shades. I was a bit foggy at first, then felt the warm body next to mine. James. I smiled, and turned to get a good look at him. Hell, with the sunlight coming through the window behind him, his hair glowed. What was this fucking obsession I had with his hair?

I leaned up on my arm and just stared at his face for a while. There was no tension, no pain. He actually looked happy. I'd have to get him to go to a doctor for his acne. Once he was the front man for our band, he would have to sharpen his look. I could feel James stir and he opened his beautiful blue eyes. "Hej." I smiled.

James didn't seem like a morning person... he kind of grunted and lay there. I jumped out of bed and stripped down, figured I'd go and grab a shower, while he came around. I got into the hall and Torben was just coming up the stairs.

I gave him a hug and started speaking to him in Danish. I wanted to let him know James was staying with us. "Hej, Torben. Late night huh?"

"Ja, plus I closed up the place. Bill had to leave early."

"Um...Da, James is here. He's gonna be staying with us for a while. I told him it'd be okay."

"Must be serious, you never call me Da. Is something wrong, Lars?"

"Nothing I can't take care of. He has some troubles we're trying to work out together."

"You're a good boy, Lars; taking care of your friends. It's okay. He can stay as long as he needs to." Torben said then continued to his room, stopping in the doorway. "James seems like a good boy. You know he came to see you, two days after you left for Denmark? I'm sorry, I'd forgotten to tell you."

"He did? You mean he came here?" I asked, really surprised.

"Ja, he was upset you had left suddenly and he wanted to know when you were coming back."

I hugged him again and ran into the shower. I turned on the faucet and waited for the water to warm up. Wow, James had come here to see me. He actually was looking to talk to me. This information really put a smile on my face.

I jumped into the shower. Damn, the water felt great, and I started to think about last night, about holding James. I started to get hard. Damn, my cock had behaved all night long, so why was it coming alive now, just because I was thinking of James?

Fuck, I had to take care of this before I went back to my room. I closed my eyes and thought of James - I mean what else could I do? Before long, I could feel my balls tighten and my come was splattering against the shower wall. My knees buckled and I found myself kneeling on the shower floor, breathing hard, my heart racing. Kneppe, I never had an orgasm like that before. Fuck, look what just thinking of James did to me! How was I going to get through this?

The water started to get cold, so I jumped out and dried off. I wrapped a towel around my waist and head, then went back to my room. Damn, the fucker was still asleep. I giggled and pulled off my towel, while trying to dry off my hair a bit. I pulled out my clothes and looked back at James. I could swear someone was staring at me, but he looked like he was asleep. I finished dressing and went over to him and shook him gently. "Hej, James. Wake up, fucker." I waited until he looked at me. "Want breakfast?"

He nodded. Guess he didn't talk much in the morning. Actually, he didn't talk much at all. I would have to try and change that.

I tugged at him. "Come on, then. Get up. I'll meet you down in the kitchen. Torben's here, so don't get nervous."

James finally came down stairs and breakfast was almost ready. I finished setting the table and Torben went to greet him.

"Hej, James. Did you sleep well?" Torben asked him.

"Uh... Yes sir."

I cringed as Torben patted James on the arm. Fuck, James looked terrified.

I could see Torben becoming concerned at James reaction. "You can stay here as long as you want," he said to James in English then he turned to me and spoke in Danish. "Something is very wrong here, James' reaction to me is very strange."

"Ja, Da, please leave it, not now. I can handle this."

"Can you, Lars? Is he in some sort of serious trouble with the law?" he asked me, as he picked up his food. He paused, before heading into the parlor to watch the news, while he ate.

"Torben, you said you trusted me. He's not in trouble with the law. He has troubles at home. Not every father is like you." I looked at him with pleading eyes. "I want you to let us work through this. If I need your help, then I'll ask."

Torben seemed to understand. "Very well then, I'm here if you need me." He nodded and left the room.

"What did you say?" James asked me.

"I told him you were a little nervous around adults. Then he wanted to know if we want to go have a game of tennis later?" I handed him a plate of food. I didn't want James to think Torben was prying or upset about him being there.

"I've never played tennis before." He frowned at the plate I gave him.

I started to eat. I was hungry. "Well, I play most days. Keeps me fit, ready for all the drum pounding I do. You may as well come with me, unless there's something else you want to do, but whacking a ball round a court is a great tension release. You should try it. I guess that's why I'm always in a good mood, I take my frustrations out on little yellow balls." I noticed James hadn't touched his plate and I was almost ready for seconds. "You aren't hungry?"

"I... uh... never had fish for breakfast before," he told me.

I giggled. "It's mackerel. I always eat a traditional Danish breakfast, even if all my other food is American shit. Get used to it. Hey... You need a bit of fucking culture in your life. Start by learning something about Danes." I knew James needed to learn a thing or two, things that would give him some confidence, about other places and people.

"Okay. So teach me something? I know shit about Denmark... I'm not even sure I know where the fuck it is"

This was great. I started filling him in on my country. I told him about the people and the beautiful countryside. I mentioned that, once I was famous, I would go back there on tour, then mentioned the language and James really took interest. I started teaching him right away. He seemed eager to learn, so of course I started with the good stuff.

"Kneppe, means fuck," I told him in between bites of mackerel.

"Neppp?" he managed to slaughter that one.

"No, K with a K...Kneppe," I repeated.

"Kneppe," he said like an expert.

"Perfect! Then there is kusse and fisse - they both mean cunt," James looked at me and broke out laughing, I soon followed him and we were both giggling like crazies, when Torben came into the kitchen.

He put his plate in the sink and grinned. "Why do you always start by teaching them the bad words?" he asked.

I smiled. "Cause they're the best words," I told him, laughing again.

Torben ruffled my hair "Da, stop," I said playfully, swatting away his hand. "Come on James. You got any shorts? You can borrow my spare racquet. Let's go."

James ran upstairs to change and I sat on the steps, waiting for him. I heard him coming and got up. When I turned around, I had the shock of my life. James, coming down the stairs, smiling at me, in those shorts and holding the racket, looked so much like Jan. Fuck, I'd forgotten how similar they were. I felt myself losing it and swallowed hard. James was looking at me and I was sure he could see something was wrong. It took a minute, but I finally managed to speak, "Uh... You look good James. Come on. Let's go."

I jumped into the car and drove to the club. I hated American drivers and speed limits. They all moved so fucking slow. In Denmark, there are no speed limits. Here, it took forever to get anywhere. Well, we got to the club and started lobbing some balls back and forth.

James tried really hard, and he wasn't doing too badly. I held back, not playing anything like I normally would. It seemed like we spent more time on the court laughing and joking about things. I kept teasing James, because of his is long, lean legs, it almost looked like he was dancing around like a fairy, when he tried to return some of my better lobs. Of course, I started serving just a bit faster, so I would have something to giggle at.

I did try to help him by giving him a few pointers and cause of his size; I had to get pretty close to him. At first, I was concerned, but I went slowly and he really didn't seem to mind my being next to him. As the morning went on, I showed him more and more techniques. As long as I held back, James really gave it his all, and he seemed to be having a great time.

We had finished playing and I noticed James was still holding that finger. "That still giving you trouble?" Before he could even answer, I grabbed hold of his finger and gave it the once over again. "Hm, I thought that might be it."

"Kneppe, it's broken isn't it?" he said. I couldn't help smiling. He was trying hard and even speaking the little Danish I'd taught him.

I knew this was going to hurt, so I figured on a little distraction. "Actually, hey, James...isn't that Gene Simmons over there?" He turned and I pulled hard. He screamed, then quickly reacted on his instincts and took a swing at me. Thankfully, I ducked and he missed.

"Fuckkk!" He screamed, causing half of the club to turn and stare. "What the hell did you do that for?"

"I couldn't help it, It was dislocated, I fixed it." I giggled because the look on his face was priceless. "Sorry about the Gene part. I wanted to distract you. It works better that way. You see, I've had a few of these myself and I know it fucking hurts when they get fixed. Go on wiggle it."

He wiggled his hand and looked surprised to find it in working order. "Um...ah...thanks!" We gathered up our things and headed for the exit. He seemed distracted and upset and finally, he spoke, "Hey, Lars, I'm... really sorry that I took a swing at you, back there," he said, as we started to leave the club.

"It's okay, James. It's a good thing I'm quick. Ja?" I was joking, but for some reason, I just knew with James around, I would have to become really good at ducking.

We spent the entire day laughing and talking, like we'd known each other forever. When we got home we were both tired and sore. We went to my room and James made an odd request - he wanted to bang on my drums. I thought the fucker would be tired by now, but I plopped myself on the bed and watched intently. Fuck, he was good. He finished and I threw him a towel.

"You're pretty good, fucker. Why were you trying to find a drummer? You could've done the job yourself?"

"I prefer to sing and play guitar,"

"Well, you're good at that too. Did you ever find a drummer for your band with Hugh?"

He shook his head.

Yes, this was going to work out... I could tell. I grinned. We were meant to be together and I was going to take a chance. "We should try to get another band together," I told him. "I've been taking lessons. I'm a crap-load better than I was, the last time you heard me play... and look - that fucking cymbal doesn't fall anymore."

"Shit-load." James corrected and got up, handing me the sticks. "Show me."

I decided to show James what the fuck I'd learned. I put everything into it and banged the hell out of those drums like I was playing for my future. James looked impressed when I finished. We started to talk about the drum school I was going to, when I heard Torben's voice.

"James? James. Your Da is here."

"My what?" He turned to me.

Fuck. This couldn't be good. "Your dad." I told him.

"My d...? Oh fuck."

I walked over to him. "We won't let him hurt you, James. It's not gonna happen. You go talk to him. After all, he is your father and you do owe him that much. You never know, there may be a way past all the hurt and the pain. One thing I've learned, James, is don't ever close any doors. No one knows what's gonna happen tomorrow and I figure he must have something important to tell you if he came all the way here. Just don't let him talk you into going back home with him. You're safe here and I really don't want you to leave... I mean it's way too soon to go back yet." Shit, my heart was racing. I was so afraid James would want to leave and, more then anything, I wanted him to stay.

He nodded to me, then left my room and went reluctantly down the stairs. I followed him out onto the landing and waited for a minute...just a minute. I didn't mean to listen in - honest I didn't - but I had heard it all. I heard James say he'd been raped and it just brought back so many bad memories. I couldn't believe James had been hurt like that and no one helped him. I listened for a while, then quietly went back into my room and curled up on one of the cushions, clutching a pillow tightly to my chest. I started crying and I couldn't stop, then I heard James come back into the room.

I looked up at him, tears filling my eyes.

"Lars?"

"James, I'm sorry; really, really sorry," I told him, hoping he wouldn't be mad.

"What are you talking about?" He looked confused.

"I'm sorry for what happened to you - that you were raped." Fuck, he went pale, but did I shut up? No! "No wonder you thought Jan had hurt me. How could you think otherwise."

"You listened into my conversation?" He looked angry, but it was like he was trying to stay in control.

"I'm sorry. Please, James. I want to help, talk to me." I pleaded.

James paced back and forth. "Talk to you?" he shouted. "Why the fuck should I? You wouldn't understand. How could you?" He lunged for me and leaned his arms on either side of me, his face right up to mine. I could feel his hot breath. "All your life you've been loved. Your dad loves you, Jan loved you - even his parents loved you. Other than Jan's death, you've never had to deal with any pain."

For a split second, I was terrified, then - I couldn't help myself - I struck him. The anger and the rage were just too much for me to take. He didn't know what the fuck I'd been through. How dare he judge me. Before I knew what happened, I punched him across the face. He flew back against the wall, but in an instant, he leapt up and jumped on top of me, pushing me to the floor. He straddled my chest and pinned my shoulders to the carpet. I could feel his fingers leaving bruises on my skin, digging deep into my arms. He pulled me up slightly and pushed me down again, hard, into the floor, banging my head.

I tried, but I couldn't move and as I wriggled against him, I could feel his cock pressing into my stomach. No! Not again... please! Fuck! I started to panic, so I spat at him. It was no use. He seemed to just look through me, like he was in a trance or something. I could feel him rubbing his hard on against me.

Oh god - it was happening to me again. I had to do something. "Fucker," I was raped too!" I screamed.

I felt James' breath quicken, then he tensed and moaned and finally relaxed. Oh God, he actually came! The fucking prick! I was in shock, then I noticed the look on his face was one of total disbelief, then it turned to horror. He released my shoulders and moved off of me, crawling over to the corner, then curled up into a little ball and started to cry.

Oh fuck, now what do I do? He'd practically raped me himself. He'd held me down and got off on it. Shit, the dick deserved to suffer. I sat there, frozen, not feeling anything, until I realized all he had been through.

Not only had he been raped, but no one believed him. His own father sent him back again and again to the asshole that had abused him. There was never anyone for him to turn to. At least I'd had Sean. He helped me through it, he comforted me. James only knew violence, so why wouldn't he act with violence, when I hit him? Then I realized something else. Violence was all he knew and it was the only way he could get off. Fuck, this was worse than I thought. I put my anger aside, crawled over to him and put my arms around him.

"What have I done? Oh god, Lars, man. I'm sorry," he whispered.

I just held onto him, wanting to tell him about my own ordeal, hoping it would let him know he wasn't alone. "England wasn't all fun and games, James. One night, I was held down and raped in one of the dressing rooms, while Sean and the guys were on stage." I wiped the tears from my face and James looked at me. "Only I wasn't so lucky. It wasn't one fucking pervert, but five. Damn, they held me down and took turns raping me."

I could feel him shaking. "They took me again and again. They taunted me, because at first they thought I was a chick - one of the groupies that hung around backstage. Once they found out I was a guy, I thought they would let me go, but no... it was worse. They kept fucking me, over and over. They flung me over this wooden bench and two of them held my arms, while one guy shoved his cock in my mouth and the other one fucked my ass. Then, while the others fucked me, the lead singer, Giles, whispered in my ear, how I was his cunt, and theirs to do with as they fucking pleased.

Damn, my heart was racing now and my breath came in short gasps, then I felt James shift and move closer to me.

"The worse part was, the room was so small, there was no air and I was crying and I couldn't breathe." I felt James stiffen. I took a deep breath, having to go on, hoping he would eventually open up to me. I would endure my own pain and memories for him.

"I lost track of the times I passed out. I even woke up with one of the fuckers raping me while I had been unconscious. Well, they weren't happy with just the rape and getting their kicks by shoving various beer bottles inside me. Giles decided he was going to beat me. He took off his belt and whipped me with it. He really got off on using the buckle. I was covered in welts that took weeks to go away.

The scariest part was, when Giles was finished, he wanted to take me with them. He wanted to keep me as his cunt, his pet. He said I took pain beautifully." Tears started to run down my cheeks.

"They were so rough, I was ripped open and I bled badly, even had to spend a week in the hospital. So you see, I do know about hurt and pain." I put my arm around him and he settled against my chest." I ran my fingers through his hair. "Please, James you don't have to face this alone. Tell me what happened? I'm here, no one will hurt you."

He took a deep breath and started crying, then suddenly stopped His voice became very calm and almost didn't sound like him.

"It started with my father. He wanted me to take piano lessons from his friend Nathan Jones. I didn't trust the dude, but hey, I wanted to go on with my lessons. It was all I had left to remind me of my mom." He sighed.

"Go on, I'm listening."

"The old dude was sick, really sick. He got off by hitting me with this fucking ruler, at first. Then, I decided not to go back and he came and told pops. Pops said I had to - he beat me and told me I had no choice. So I went back and again, I did something Jones didn't like, so he pulled down my pants and beat me - only this time, he decided to start rubbing my ass, then he rammed a candle up it. The fucker tore me up pretty badly and Miss Alexander found me and got me some help. She called a doctor for me, but I was so scared."

"You were scared of the Doctor?" I asked, confused.

James shook his head. "No. I was scared pops would find out. We're Christian Scientists. We, I mean he, doesn't believe in them."

Good lord, no wonder he had no one to turn to. His dad wouldn't have even gotten him help. "So this Miss Alexander helped you?"

"After the doctor left, she stayed with me and made sure I was okay. Then she kind of figured out what was going on with Jones and all, so she tried to help me...until..."

James paused. I could see the tears coming to his eyes. I stroked his hair again and noticed that seemed to calm him. "Until...?"

"Jones went to her. He found out she was suspicious of him and decided to threaten her with telling the board she was trying to seduce me. I overheard them and went to Jones' place to beg him to leave her alone. He invited me in and offered me some juice. It was drugged."

No wonder James was so suspicious when someone tried to give him something. My head was spinning. I just wanted to make all his pain go away. I knew I couldn't and I think that was what was killing me.

"When I woke up, I was tied to this large cross."

"A fucking cross? That's sick and disgusting. Anyone who hides behind religion, pretending to be righteous and kind, then using the cross like that, is one demented pervert."

"He was a preacher, a respected man in the community. He had me gagged and tied to this wooden cross and he raped me." James started to sob. "He fucking raped me and I couldn't breathe and I thought I was going to die. Oh God, I really thought it was all over.

He pulled forward and I rubbed his back. This was awful, it's no wonder James never told anyone. Who would believe him? The fucking sick old bastard! I hated this Jones more than I ever hated anyone in my life.

"The worse part was, I came. I tried not to, but I did. The pain, it....it..."

Fuck, he didn't have to say it, I'd been there and I really understood. It felt good. "It's okay," I soothed. "How did you get away? Did he let you go?"

"After he came, I just collapsed. He thought I had passed out or something and he left the room for a minute, after taking off the ropes. I ran... I just fucking ran. He came out after me, but he wasn't dressed, so he went back inside. When you came to my house, my dad was trying to get me to go with him to Jones' funeral. Taking me, must have been too much for the old dick. He died of a heart attack. I told pops what happened - what he did to me and he...he..."

James hiccupped and turned to me, shaking his head. "He didn't believe me and he beat me again. He's done it before. Once, when he caught me jerking off, he told me I was evil and bad, then he scrubbed me hard with a brush that had bleach on it. It was to pay for my sin."

Damn, he was so naive, despite all that had happened to him. He knew nothing about his body's natural functions. He was scared of his own needs. I would have to set him straight. "James, jerking off isn't a sin. If it were, about ninety percent of the guys in my school would be burning in hell," I told him gently

He smiled slightly. "It's not? You mean, you do it all the time?"

I blushed, remembering this morning in the shower. "Um... well not all the time, but a lot. Fuck, I like it and it can't hurt you." James didn't seem to know a lot about his body. It must have been that religion thing. I'm sure his dad never talked to him about it.

James just buried his head against his knees. "Fuck, I'm not bad? It's not my fault?" he started to sob and his body heaved uncontrollably.

I grabbed him and held him tight, whispering into his ear. "No, MisseKat. It's not your fault, just like my being raped, wasn't my fault."

James just sobbed louder. He was just starting to let some demons go and deep down, I knew this was only the beginning. "We'll get through this together - both of us - I promise." I grabbed James' face and forced him to look at me. Taking his hand, I grasped it tightly.

"Together," I said firmly. I watched James wipe his tears away and I smiled at him, knowing now, that nothing was going to stop us. We were a team - now and always.

Then, he did something that shocked me. He leaned forward and kissed me. His lips were so soft, and it was such a tender kiss. There was no apprehension, no fear. Then I realized that my stomach started to flutter and my heart pounded in my chest, shit it suddenly became very warm in that room, my head felt all fuzzy and breathing was really difficult. Oh, fuck! James pulled back, his blue eyes sparkling.

"Friends," we said together. I knew it would be forever.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Chapter 6

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Motherfuck!

Motherfuck!

Motherfuck!

I just kept pacing back and forth in my room. "Motherfuck!" I couldn't believe my luck. I had just talked to Brian on the phone. The fucker was putting a compilation album of heavy metal together. I asked him if my band and me could have a spot on it. He said; 'sure, of course.' I didn't bother to tell him I didn't have a band yet.

I just kept pacing; James had a job after school and was trying to save up some money. He worked in a sticker factory for a few hours. I was going crazy waiting for him. This was my chance. I heard the front door close and my heart jumped. James bounded up the stairs and threw himself on his bed.

"Hey fucker, what's wrong? You look upset." He seemed really pale.

"The fucking safety pin came loose in the cutting machine today, and the blade came crashing down. I coulda lost 'both' my fucking arms."

I went over to him and started to rub his shoulders. He actually didn't flinch this time. His tight muscles started to loosen as I worked on them. "So what did you do?"

"I fucking quit. I kinda like my arms."

This was perfect. "Um...James since you aren't working right now. I have a proposition for you."

James turned his head and looked up at me, his right eyebrow raised. "A proposition?"

I smiled. "Well, it seems I have a spot on this new metal massacre album. My friend Brian is putting it out."

"You have a spot, on the album? Really? You and who else?"

"Me - and my band." I grinned, hoping he would get the point. James just started grinning and nodded his head. "Well?" I extended my hand.

James took it and shook it hard. "Partners," he agreed and turned over. I just smiled and continued to rub his back.

Yes, things were working out rather nicely. Only one other little problem, we needed a song, and a few other guys. But those were just a few bothersome details. I was really psyched, besides, I was also sure James and I could come up with something.

It was like James read my mind, cause two seconds later he said, "I have someone in mind for a bass player. "He's a friend of mine. We were in Leather Charm together. Names Ron McGovney we've been friends for a long while.

"Sounds good. I'm going to see Ron Quintana. I've told you about him before. He wanted me to stop by his place tomorrow, to help him with something. He may have a few leads for us about a lead guitarist." I knew at this point that James was hooked. If everything went well we'd have a band real soon.

"We're gonna need a name," I chimed in as I moved my hands slowly down James back kneading the knotted muscles. "Damn your muscles are tight."

"Fuck, dick I had a hell of a frightening thing happen, of course I'm tight." James laughed. "You can stop rubbing my ass though, that don't hurt."

Fuck, I stopped cold. Shit I had worked my way down to his ass and was rubbing the cheeks, back and forth, between my hands. "Oops, sorry," I said softly. Actually I really wasn't sorry but I didn't want to get pounded either.

"Not a problem, It felt good." James said. Just then my dad called up to us that dinner was ready. "Coming, James?" He just lay there.

"Um... you go on. I'll be down in a minute."

"Okay." I smiled and bounded down the stars to help Torben set the table. Things were looking up. Dinner was really great; we laughed and talked about the band. Messed around with some names and shit. We had such a hard time falling asleep that night. James and I talked for hours. Well I talked - he listened.

The next day, we got up early and lugged our stuff to Ron's house. James had called him last night. He was excited about us starting up the band, and he agreed to let us use his place for rehearsing.

We pulled up in front of this big house. "Ron's parents have a really nice place," I told James trying to start up some kind of a conversation. He had been distant lately, more after I rubbed his back yesterday. I wasn't sure what was going through his head.

"Yeah, they're cool, and they really don't mind us playing here. We did it when we were in Leather Charm. They don't seem to care about all the noise, and shit."

Ron came out of his house and walked toward us. "Hey, James."

"Ron, dude. This is Lars. I told you about him." Ron extended his hand, and I shook it. He seemed like a really nice guy. Not at all shy like James.

"Nice to meet me," I said.

Ron looked at me funny and I turned to James. "Nice to meet you, Lars...you."

"Buy you already know me, James?" I said puzzled.

Ron smiled. "You're from out of state, aren't you?"

I blushed. "Out of the country actually. I'm from Denmark."

Ron smiled. "Cool. Let's get your gear inside and set things up." Ron grabbed my bass drum and carried it inside. There was a huge room downstairs and we set up all of our stuff there.

"So, we'll be able to leave this all here?"

"No problem, we can practice whenever we want, they're hardly ever home." James said.

"This is fucking great. Um...I'm gonna go now, James. Pick you up in a few hours, okay?" I said reminding him I had to leave. James nodded. "Later, Ron. It was nice to meet you." He waved at me and I left to go to my friend's house.

As I was leaving, I looked back. James and Ron were laughing and talking. They had started some work, fixing an old amp we'd brought over. Damn, I felt totally jealous. I mean, I knew I shouldn't have felt that way, but I couldn't help it. James really seemed to be at ease with Ron, something that was missing with me. James suddenly looked up, like he knew I was still there; he saw me and waved. I waved back and ran up the stairs and out to my car. Nah, I must be wrong, James and I get along just fine.

The ride to RonQ's place was really quick. I blasted some Motorhead on the radio and was there before I knew it. Well okay, so I drive like a maniac. James said I would not be allowed to drive when we went on the road. I didn't argue with him; I just giggled.

I got to Ron's house and his mom let me in, I went upstairs and walked into Ron's bedroom, fuck I was amazed at all of the crap spread out all over the place.

"Lars, man. Shit it's great to see you," he said as he grabbed me and gave me a hug.

""Man, this place is a mess." I laughed. "You know, your mom is gonna kill you."

Ron smiled. "Hey thanks for all that shit you sent me on Diamond Head, Iron Maiden and the other bands...it's gonna be great in my fanzine."

"You're really gonna fucking do it? Put one of those together?"

"Hell yeah, as a matter of fact, come here. I want you to look at the layout for the first one." Ron dragged me over to the bed and showed me all the work he had already done. Fuck it was great. There was nothing like this in the states. The kids would be crying for this.

"This is great. There is so much fucking info here. Kids will kill to get their hands on this."

Ron beamed. "I want it to be something they can turn to for all the latest shit on metal." Ron handed me another section of the zine. "Hey, Lars I'd like your help with something."

"Sure, man, you name it." I smiled as I looked through a few more pages. Ron handed me three more pieces of paper.

"I want your help, which of these looks the best, for the name of the fanzine?"

I held them up and looked at the choices. "Metal's Edge, Metal Mania, and Metallica," I smiled. This was it.

"I'm leaning toward Metallica. What do you think?"

"Metallica? What does it mean? I mean, you want something that says what's inside. I like Metal Mania...it kick's ass. The kids will know what they are getting."

"You think so?"

"Trust me," I told him, my heart racing. I knew this was the one. I had to make Ron stay away from the other name. I left Ron's a few hours later, after we agreed that Metal Mania would be born within the week. I quickly made my way back to Ron's house and ran inside all out of breath. I didn't even remember the drive back.

"I've got it; I fucking got it!" I yelled as I barged into Ron's house. He and James were sitting on the couch, Jamming to a song I'd never heard before.

I stopped and listened and waited until they finished. "Wow, fucking heavy song,"

James nodded. "It's called Hit the Lights. We have a song now, Lars. So, what the fuck do you have?"

"We have a name now, too," I ran up to them and handed James a piece of paper. James looked at it, smiled, then he grabbed a pencil and started doodling with it.

"I like it," James said as he handed me his drawing. Wow, he had changed the M and the A to look like a blade...this was fucking awesome.

"So, you two gonna let me see it?" Ron asked.

I turned the paper around. "Metallica," I said proudly, knowing full well, this was a moment I would remember forever.

Well soon, Metallica would become a force to be reckoned with. For now, we were feeling our way through all this shit. I mean, we really didn't know too much. James had this old four-track and we started recording 'Hits' on it. The drum track went fine and Ron handled the bass. James did the vocals but we still knew we needed a lead guitar riff. RonQ had given me the name of this guy, Dave Mustaine. I had called him up and he came over auditioned and well that was that. We now had a band. We had the track down and we both thought that the lead was lacking just a bit, so James and I went to Lloyd Grant and had him do another lead break. We were finally ready to make our debut on the Metal Massacre Album

And that was the beginning. James and I became closer and closer, we could tell each other anything; we were a true team. Unfortunately it wasn't like I would have hoped for. Each day spent with James became harder and harder for me. I wanted more, but was totally afraid. I'd given James every opportunity to do something, a touch, a word, a look, but nothing happened so I pushed it to the back of my mind, and put all my energy into the band. The band and my hand, well, at least for a little while.

It was hard, especially the day James told me he was leaving my place to go and stay with Ron. It was two days after we started rehearsing there we had just finished up for the night and I noticed that James and Ron were whispering. I had just finished pushing my kit into the corner and was curious as to what the big secret was.

I looked up and James was standing in front of me. "Sup, James?" I asked almost afraid of his answer. I was sure they thought my playing was crap, I mean, I had gotten better and all, but still needed a lot of work.

"Um...Lars I need to tell you that...well ...I'm gonna be bunking here with Ron now," he said softly.

"James. Is something wrong?" My heart stopped and my throat went dry. He couldn't be doing this to me - he wouldn't.

"It's just that - he has a lot more room here and I can have an entire room to myself."

I just nodded and forced a smile, trying to hold back the tears. I looked into his eyes and they seemed empty, almost vacant. I knew I had done something wrong, something to upset him, but I just pretended it was fine with me - you know - that it was all for the best. I couldn't help but wonder if there was something more between James and Ron.

That night I cried myself to sleep.

Well, the next few weeks were a blur; we had moved along and had a few more original songs under our belts. 'The Mechanix', 'Motorbreath', and 'Jump in the Fire'. We had practiced and practiced till we were dead tired.

We had out first gig at a place called Radio City in Anaheim. James was like a tiger in a cage, back stage. We were all really fucking nervous, but he was the worse.

"James, you have to calm down, ja!" I yelled as I grabbed him and threw him face down on the couch. I started to rub his back and neck muscles. "Fuck you're so tense."

"Fuck, Lars we aren't ready for this shit yet," he said, his voice cracking.

I sat on his ass, continued to work on his hard muscles and my cock twitched. Down boy, I thought to myself. "Look, we have to start somewhere, that crowd looks tough, but fuck em. We're here to play and drink and have fun...so let's do that. Okay?" I was trying to be there for him...give him some support, but all I was succeeding in doing, was giving myself and incredibly painful hard on.

James jumped up and I landed on my ass. I threw his shirt across my lap to hide my erection. "Damn, you're fucking right. Who gives a shit what those dicks think? Let's just play," James yelled as he grabbed a clean shirt and ran out of the dressing room door.

I got up slowly, because my cock, being rock hard, prevented me from moving any faster. I'd have to do something about this before going on stage; I locked myself in the bathroom.

I started stroking my erection while thinking of James. Suddenly, I was jolted from my daydream, of James standing behind me. His hand tightly wrapped around my cock, smoothly stroking me back and forth all the while telling me how much he wanted to fuck me, by some asshole banging on the door.

"Whaaattttt?" I fucking yelled.

"Lars, what the fuck is the problem? It's me, James - let me in."

"Um...ahhhhhhh!" Shit his voice alone was gonna make me come. "I'm sick, um...a...throwing up."

"Well come on, Lars. Let me in. I'll help you," James yelled again as he banged harder on the door. "For Christ sakes, come on, already."

"I'm comingggg.... Ahhhhhh," Fuck I fell to my knees and did exactly as James said, my come splashing onto the wall. I could hardly breathe and managed to pant out. "Go on - I'll be right there." I cleaned myself up and ran out to meet them on stage. Well it wasn't like we hoped for...the crowd didn't really appreciate our kind of music, but that night we decided we were playing for us... if you liked it fine. If you didn't then - fuck off.

So here we were, James, Ron, Dave and myself...Metallica. We were ready to take over the world - bring them all to their knees. And fuck, I knew we were going to do it. To say we went through a lot of shit together would be an understatement. Drinking as a group became a daily part of our lives. Vodka and beer became our life's blood. Between that and all the fucking chicks that threw themselves at us, we were kept pretty busy. Yeah, I finally got more and more into chicks, they were okay, but it never really became anything serious for me. It was just sex, get off, and go home.

That was something I really missed. A serious relationship that is, until I realized I had a serious relationship, with James...the only thing missing was the sex. Fuck, some how, or some way I had to change that, but so far, it was impossible to break through that wall. Strange thing was, I never really saw James with any of those chicks. I could tell things were still wrong, and I tried talking to him a few times, but he refused to let me in. Damn, I wish I knew what he was afraid of.

Well, we finally managed to get a really heavy line up then a fucking roadblock came up. We had Dave who was a really kick ass guitar player, even though he was a total dick. But because of him, Ron had decided to leave. His head really wasn't into it, and we had already begun looking for a new bass player.

It took us forever but we finally found Cliff Burton. Damn, could he headbang and play kickass bass. He was so fucking good, we actually moved to San Francisco to be with him.

We paid our dues in California, playing small clubs and some larger, more famous ones, like the 'Whiskey a Gogo'. We weren't everyone's idea of hot music...but we were getting a fan base. Because of our tapes, and the kids that would make copies, then pass them along, we had a huge following that was completely loyal to us. As James would say, 'they're our people'.

And boy, did we know how to play a crowd. There was such a competition between Dave and James onstage - one that would push James to the forefront. It made him stand out, he needed that push, and Dave was the fucker to do it. Fuck, more than one night I would come off the stage totally horny from those guys trying to outdo one another. It was a site to behold.

It actually looked like things were moving forward for us, when we got a call to come to the east coast, from this guy called Johnny Z. He was interested in managing us and producing a record of all our own songs. It was a beginning. We made the trip in a u-haul van and were lucky to have made it alive. We had one major problem we had to take care of, and one week later we decided to deal with it.

Right after we arrived, I told Johnny we were getting rid of Dave next week and that James had come up with a guitarist that was fucking amazing, to replace him. He looked really skeptical and unsure, but I had no problem convincing him everything would work out. I had already called the guy James wanted and made the arrangements for him to head out this way. Now all that was left was to do the deed - the sooner the better, as far as I was concerned.

"Okay, we do this a group then?" James asked us.

"Um...sure," Cliff said. "We're right behind you."

Behind James, was the main word - after all, he was the frontman. Cliff and I just stood there. It was going to be up to him to get rid of the problem. He looked really pissed, but walked over to Mustaine and shook him. Dave kind of just lay there; he was hung over and looked like he didn't even know who was standing over him.

James finally spoke. "We had a talk, and we decided - you're out of the band."

"Hmm...what, no warning? No second chances?" Dave murmured.

"We had enough of your shit, Dave." James looked really serious.

Dave sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "What time does my plane leave?" he said sleepily."

I couldn't help it, I snickered. How could the fucker think we would be sending him home on a plane? I watched as James grabbed him, bringing him to his feet and steadying him. "There is no plane, dude. Your 'bus' leaves in forty-five minutes. So get your shit together and get outta here." James motioned to me. "Let's go."

James, Cliff and I walked Dave to the port authority bus terminal and watched as he climbed onto the bus headed to California. We didn't wait to watch it pull out, we just headed back to the warehouse we were staying in. Anthrax had given us an entire floor to use. Of course, it wasn't the best place to be staying at, but it gave us a place to crash and rehearse and the guys were really nice to us. We all kind of looked out for each other.

We were all quiet on our way back to the flat. "Well what do we do now?" Cliff finally broke the silence.

I looked in my pocket to see how much money we had between us. I guess James and Cliff trusted me to hold onto our limited cash resources. They said I had a head for figures, whatever that meant. "Twenty left."

"Let's get wasted," James said. "I'm in the mood."

"Fuckin'a," Cliff agreed.

I guess our last twenty bucks was going toward a couple of bottles of vodka.

This wound up being a big mistake. We were all drunk as skunks and lying around. James was going on and on about the set and how we should play 'Hit the lights', before another song.

"I'm telling you, Dick. We should play 'Hit the lights' first, then go into 'Am I evil'!"

"I don't think so, it flows better the other way," I insisted. Of course I was drunk and shouldn't have been challenging a drunk James. "You agree with me don'tcha, Cliff?"

Cliff just grunted and fell on the u-haul blanket he'd been using as a bed. Shit, he was no help.

"I don't give a rat's ass. We're gonna do it my way," James growled.

"It always has to be your way doesn't it?" I yelled back at him, tired of his controlling ways. Why did he always do this to me? It was like he enjoyed pulling me into a fucking fight.

I don't remember how long it took him to reach me; everything was kind of in a blur once James gotta hold of me. His eyes were red and glowing as he grabbed me and punched me really hard in the stomach.

"Don't fuck with me, Lars," he said. I doubled over in pain; everything kind of fuzzy. The strange thing was, I flashed back to him doing the very same thing to me about eight months before.

We were full of vodka then, too and we had just come off stage at the 'Troubadour'. Man, we kicked ass and the crowd was really with us. We all piled off stage, happy for a fucking change and really stoked.

I remember that Paul came up to me and asked if we could do an encore. "An encore? Yeah... sure let me go get James."

I walked over to James and the other guys and told them what Paul wanted. We all kind of panicked, cause we had already run thorough our usual set and hadn't really practiced anything new yet. James insisted that we play 'Blitzkrieg' as the encore.

"What about 'Helpless'?" I offered, knowing it was one we had practiced a few times.

"Lars, we're all more familiar with 'Blitzkrieg'," James yelled. I watched as Dave and Cliff nodded in agreement.

"But they want to hear something new, not that shit," I argued.

James was drunk and grabbed me. "Fucker, we play 'Blitzkrieg', Got it?"

"Yeah, Yeah," I said, fuck that shit. We all piled out on stage, I was so fucking drunk and really didn't care so - Fuck James - I started the cue for 'Helpless'.

We barely managed to get through the song, then piled off stage. I was standing next to Cliff and I could see James from the corner of my eye. He was headed straight for me. Before I could move, he punched me square in the stomach. "Motherfuck!" I screamed at him, and James grabbed me by the hair.

"Don't you ever, ever do that again, Ulrich. Got that? In this band, it's what I say that goes," James pulled me by my hair into a corner. He pushed me against the wall and leaned up against me; I could feel his hard on against my thigh. "Don't fuck with me, Lars. You won't like it, I promise you."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I looked up and again, I was staring into those demanding eyes. Only now, we were in New York, standing in a warehouse. He was leaning against me, his hard on pressed against my stomach. He had that same 'don't fuck with me' look in his eyes. "You're right James we'll do it your way," I said softly, still trying to regain the wind he knocked out of me. Man, the fucker scared me sometimes.

James pulled me over and threw me on the floor on my blanket. "Just shut the fuck up. Now lay down and go to sleep - Pixie." His voice was cruel.

No... no, not that. No, please. I couldn't breathe and I felt the sobs rising in my throat. I wanted to scream out, but all I could do was sob silently. No, not pixie, God, James, how could he be so cruel? How could he call me that? How could he? He knew it was what Jan called me. I remember telling him how much it meant to me. Now he was trying to destroy that, too. I just lay there, trembling and sobbing silently, not daring to get James any madder at me. All I could hear, over and over, was Jan's voice calling me Pixie, echoing and mixing with James' taunting words.

Suddenly, I tensed as I felt James pull his blanket over, next to me. He reached over and put his arm around me, pulling me close, holding me tight. I flinched, because I could feel that his cock was still rock hard, but he didn't move. He didn't say a word to me, just held me in his strong arms as I shook from the anger, fear and the pain. It took a long time, but I finally cried myself to sleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The next thing I knew, I felt myself being nudged in the side. I opened my bleary eyes and tried to focus, I saw this really pretty girl standing above me, holding a guitar case and looking at her watch. Her eyebrow was raised and she was staring at me... and something wasn't right. She was looking me and.... Then it slowly sunk to my foggy brain; she was staring at me and James. Fuck, I was still lying tightly enfolded in his arms.

"How rock and roll," she said. I mean 'he' said. Fuck! It was a guy. I sat up, detangling myself from James' arms and poked him on the shoulder. He grumbled.

"I'm Kirk Hammett, You're Lars, I presume? We talked on the phone." He extended his hand to me. I shook it and he helped me up. I stood there for a second, noticing how pretty this guy was. He was one horny looking motherfucker, with full lips, and dark brown eyes. Damn, I hardly remembered seeing him once before, with James. Seems like James must have paid a bit more attention and now I could see why. His band was also playing at the Whiskey, when we were there and I remembered James mentioning him, even back then.

"Yeah, I'm Lars and this is James." I kicked him again. "James wake up, fucker. Kirk's here." I turned and pointed to the other lump lying on the floor. "That's Cliff." Cliff waved his arm in the air and grunted. "Um, why don't you put your shit down there and take a load off."

"Actually I'd like to just freshen up a little, then play for you guys. If that's okay?"

Kirk looked around the place. It was a fucking mess. We'd had a party the day before and no one had bothered to clean up the place. James was starting to get up and Cliff was also stretching and starting to move about. "Sure, here's the bathroom, and there are some clean towels and shit under the sink." I showed him into the tiny room, bending down to get the towels out of the cupboard. My body pressed into Kirk's and brushed up against his cock. I blushed. "Um...sorry, man," I mumbled.

He smiled at me and moved really close. Fuck, did I mention his eyes were beautiful? I kind of felt myself staring into them.

"I'm not," he whispered softly, then he took the towel and soap from my hands.

Damn, was this fucker horny - horny and giving me a fucking blatant come-on. My cock started twitching in my pants, I kind of got all jumbled up and fell backwards out of the bathroom. Kirk looked out and smiled at me, then shut the door. I looked up to see Cliff and James standing over me.

"What are you doing on the floor, dick?" James asked.

Cliff reached down and picked me up. "Looks like he fell for the new guy," he teased.

"Fuck you," I said to him smacking him on the arm. Cliff just laughed, but I got a bit nervous. I could swear James looked kind of pissed.

Well, we waited for about twenty minutes, I kept pacing and looking in the direction of the bathroom. Finally, Kirk came out and plugged into one of our amps. We watched him as he warmed up a bit. Shit, his fingers flew over the frets.

"Ready?" Kirk asked.

"Whenever you are," Cliff said, as they put on their instruments, I got behind my kit.

He'd had tapes of our songs for about a week, so after he warmed up a bit; we threw ourselves into a rehearsal.

Kirk ripped into 'Seek and destroy' and fuck, he was awesome. His fingers flew so fast and he had a style that was so unlike Dave's. All James and I could do, was stand there and smile. Yes, things were really gonna work out just fine

Well, after we were done, we hung out and talked. James filled Kirk in on our next few gigs, ran over the set list, then we all discussed the upcoming record. I brought Kirk another beer and sat down next to him. I figured I would fill him in on what would be happening, the following week, in the recording studio.

We talked for a long while. Well I talked; he mostly listened and smiled. I found myself being distracted by his smile. That and the fact that he was always touching me. It was subtle and innocent at first; just on my arm but before long, I could feel the heat from his hand on my thigh. I kept glancing at James, but he was involved in a deep conversation with Cliff about a pedal.

For some reason, I felt the two of us really connected, right then and there. I decided, if James wasn't interested, maybe, just maybe, my luck was changing and I wouldn't have to be alone anymore, if Kirk really was interested, that was.

Well we were a band, again. A combined force and I, for one, was really glad to have Kirk on board.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Fuck me! I just didn't understand James. We had finished the record and had been on the road for about 6 months. He didn't want me, but he wasn't happy whenever I went near Kirk in any way. I really like Kirk; we tended to flirt quite a bit whenever James wasn't around. I was finally facing the fact that I would like for the flirting to go a bit further, when James was suddenly always there. What the fuck was going on? He had always cut me some slack, by going off with Cliff a lot, but now, he was always up my ass figuratively, not literally.

We didn't have a ton of money, so we had to share rooms all the time - you know - to cut back on expenses. I was damn well sure we weren't about to waste money by getting four rooms. We were in this for the long haul and cutting expenses was important.

James always seemed on edge lately. His nightmares became worse and worse. I was kinda pissed off, 'cause he wouldn't tell me what was brining them on again. James asked that I share a room with him - something about Cliffs snoring - so Kirk and Cliff got each other. But it was just as well. I spent several nights holding James down until the worse was over. Well over for him - that's usually when it started for me.

About this time, I started fucking a lot more chicks. Hell, I needed release too and if James wasn't fucking interested, then too bad. I would take the beatings, but I wasn't about to give up any chance to have some pleasure myself. I guess, I went for women cause James never really said anything about it. If I even looked toward another guy he was there in a minute, but for an odd reason, my being with chicks, didn't seem to bother him.

I guess my problems were mostly because James was drunk all the time lately, and with getting drunk, he started to get more and more violent. It wasn't too bad at first, just lots of slapping and pushing me around. He would get all horny, then wait until he thought I was asleep. I could feel the bed moving, then hear him jerking off. Man, I can't even begin to tell you how many times I just wanted to reach over and just help him. It tore my heart apart. I could have been there for him; but he wouldn't let me. I couldn't understand why. God, I would have sucked him off and made him feel so good. I was just way too afraid. He made it clear he wanted nothing to do with me sexually, unless it was using me as a punching bag and then bringing himself off.

I decided a long time ago, that for the band and for James, I would take it. Fuck, I loved James and would do anything for him. I don't think he really realized this. I mean, I knew he liked what he was doing to me - that he got off on it. I was far from the stupid foreigner, people thought I was. You would think he would have figured it out, that I knew what he was doing and that I still loved him. Especially since I held him in my arms and rocked him to sleep each night, but he never did. So I settled for as long as I could.

I started to get tired of hiding all this from the other guys. It was starting to affect the band. I'm sure they suspected something. There were always questions and stuff. I'd make up some lame excuse and they let it all go. Things just seemed to get worse, so I tried to avoid James if I could.

Kirk and I had a common goal. We fucked whatever we could, whenever we could. We kind of kept our fun and games discrete - if you call running off to the van, discrete. James started to get really moody, even when he saw me looking at chicks. I just couldn't win with him, so I stopped trying. Cliff didn't give a fuck one way or another; he was always getting stoned or talking to some fan. Out of all of us, he seemed the happiest.

One night, we were playing at a club called 'The Blackadder'. It was a small place in New Jersey. We had just finished our first set and the support band was out there annoying the crowd. Kirk and I had set our sights on these twins we had noticed in the audience. Both of them were real lookers, short tight black mini skirts and low cut halter-tops. They had planted themselves right in front of him all night long, smiling at the both of us. One of them even was so bold as to reach up, grab Kirk and kiss him. I was surprised when he kissed her back. He usually didn't like the crowds too much. You'd never know it from his stage presence, but he was overwhelmed by the attention. Anyway, these two chicks were as horny as hell. We were getting ready to go finish the last set for the night, when Kirk ran up to me.

"Fuck, Lars. You see those two sisters?"

"How the fuck could I miss them, dick?" I laughed. "You let one of them give you a tonsil-thingy."

Kirk laughed. "Tonsillectomy," he corrected. "Well they want 'us' and they're willing to go out to the van after the set."

"Really?" My voice squeaked from the surprise. Fuck, they were bold. "What about James?"

"They didn't ask for him, asshole. Besides, I don't think he's into chicks."

That was odd. I didn't think Kirk paid much attention to James. "What makes you say James isn't into chicks?"

"Ever seen him with one?"

I couldn't lie. "Nope."

"As a matter of fact, I've never seen him with a guy either, except you Lars. If you're afraid of James, I understand,"

"Afraid? Why would I be afraid? Kirk, you and I go with chicks all the time." What the fuck was going on in Kirk's mind?

"You and James seem really close sometimes. He tends to get really moody after we've been with anyone." Kirk looked like he really wanted to know if there was anything more between James and me.

"We're not together if that's what you mean?" I was getting pissed. Why did everyone think James owned me? "Fuck, as soon as the sets over, we'll head for the van. I'm game." I was going to prove I could do what I wanted to, without having to worry about James.

The set began. Shit, I could tell you I had the hard on from hell. I had to be honest; it wasn't from the chicks. It was from staring at Kirk. Fuck, the guy looked so horny on stage. He always looked like he was coming. No wonder why the women flocked to him.

We finally got through the set, and the crowd was behind us. We were all feeling good. I looked backstage; James was talking to Cliff, so I was sure they wouldn't miss us for a while. I ran out front to find Kirk and the two double mint twins. Shit, they almost pulled my arm out of my socket, pulling me out the door.

"Eager little beavers, aren't they," Kirk cracked.

"Fuck, they don't even want a drink?" I was still in awe at the way women threw themselves at us. I mean, fuck, I wasn't gonna argue, but sometimes I just didn't get it.

Kirk opened the door of the van. "After you, ladies." He said and we all piled inside. I was just going to ask the girl I was with, her name, when she literally threw herself on top of me. "Ugh, ah...hi I'm, Lars"

"I know who you are," she giggled. "I'm Katie and this is my sister, Kris. I vaguely heard a noise come from the other side of the van. Shit, she was a wild one. From what I could see in the darkness, Kris already had Kirk's cock in her mouth and he was leaning against the wall of the van. I could hear him moaning as he slid down the wall, his head landing next to mine.

Katie had already started kissing me; man the girl knew how to use her tongue. I slid my hand down, to reach under her short black mini skirt and moaned into her mouth. Fuck, she wasn't wearing any panties. Damn, my dick was ready to burst.

She giggled again. "You like that huh?"

I nodded as I kept kissing her. I finally broke the kiss, I needed to breathe. "Ja," I said and started giggling, myself, as she worked my pants down around my ankles.

"Ja?" Katie asked.

"He starts speaking Danish when he gets excited," Kirk managed to say in between gasps and moans.

I didn't think he paid that much attention to me, when we were fucking chicks. I grabbed Katie and pulled her underneath me then pulled a condom out of my pocket.

"You don't need that. I'm on the pill," Katie said.

I fumbled with the foil packet. "Ja, I'd rather use it, okay?" I panted.

Kirk's chick was already riding him into oblivion; his moans were driving me crazy. I wanted to get my cock inside Katie, before it burst, or I came just from Kirk's rutting tomcat noises. Fuck, sometimes the noises he made were so hot, I got more turned on by him, then the chicks I was fucking.

Fuck, I no sooner get inside her and I feel like I'm gonna burst. I remember hearing her scream, then her sister, I think and Kirk was moaning. Fuck, it was hard to know where one moan stopped and one ended. I felt her reach out and look for my hand, she grabbed it and squeezed tightly, just as I started to come. For some reason, that one little gesture seemed so sweet to me.

It took a while and we all just kind of lay there, not moving. There were lots of giggles and kissing, Katie still holding on tightly to my hand. I smiled, then moved off of her and went to kiss her hand, when I suddenly realized it wasn't hers I was holding - it was Kirk's. Oh Fuck. I looked at him and he smiled at me. I just kind of sat there, dumfounded, staring at him. Someone banging on the van finally brought me out of my shock.

"Lars, Kirk!" It was Cliff calling to us.

"Yeah, fuck man, hold on," I yelled back. We all got our clothes back on and I opened the door and jumped outside.

"The guys have locked up for tonight. I'm headed out to a party, probably won't be back tonight at all."

"Ja, Cliff that's fine."

"Oh, I thought you should know; I saw James getting really smashed, he was drinking with some chick. He didn't look too good."

I nodded. Great! James, booze, and a woman - just what we needed. "Where did he head off to? The hotel?"

"Nah, last I saw them, they were headed for the dressing room."

"Thanks, Cliff. See you in the morning," I said, then quickly kissed Katie. "Night, love. See you tomorrow?" She nodded and she and her sister headed off to their car. "You better wait here, Kirk. I'm gonna go check on James.

"You sure you want to do that on your own?" he asked me.

I nodded; knowing full well James would freak if Kirk walked in on him and a chick. God, I hoped things had gone well - for his sake. I headed off back inside and barely got backstage, when this blond chick came barreling past me. She looked really upset and I headed off at a trot to the dressing rooms.

Fuck! James was screaming and yelling like a madman. He had already trashed half of the dressing room and was ripping the fire extinguisher off of the wall. I pulled it out of his hands, then tackled him. I mean, I was smaller then him, but I was pretty strong and I had surprise on my side. He didn't even know what hit him. I sat on top of him, holding him down for about a minute. Fuck, that didn't last long.

James flipped me over and was sitting on top of me, screaming at me. He finally realized I was there, then he started calling me every name under the sun, telling me it was my entire fault, screaming he wasn't a fucking fag. I panicked, 'cause I knew no one would be coming inside to help me. I struggled harder, hoping to knock him off of me and that's when he started hitting me.

"James, fuck stop please," I begged, to no effect. I just kept moving, my heart racing, trying to get him off of me. I started to cry as he pounded me harder and harder. He had released my hands and I tried to block his blows, but the fucker was too strong. The pain echoed through my head as he landed punch after punch to the side of my head. Then he landed one solid punch to my face and I went kinda limp. After that he opened his fist and continued to slap me until I saw stars.

I knew James was getting hard. I could feel his cock against my thigh and I finally stopped struggling a bit, making it easier for him to finally come. I knew it would all be over once he came - the pain would end.

He stiffened finally and collapsed on top of me, just lying there. I was hurt and my lip was bleeding. Why the fuck did I let him do this to me? Was love a good enough reason? I saw something in James - something I knew I needed. I'd had that with Jan and I lost it. I was determined not to lose James, determined not to let him turn into Jones or Virgil. Determined, I wouldn't be left alone again. I knew I was fucking stupid for loving a violent fuck up like him, but I couldn't help myself.

James pulled away again and whispered. "Oh, Lars. Oh man. I'm sorry" He got off me and sat down on the bench. Curling up into a ball, he put his head on his knees.

I couldn't help it; I wasn't going to lose him. Something about him touched something deep inside of me. I got up and wiped the blood from my face, then sat down next to him, stroking his hair. Man, I loved his hair. "It's okay, Missekat. Don't think about it anymore. It's okay." I pulled him close, and cradled him in my arms.

"It's not okay, I shouldn't keep doing this to you."

I rocked him back and back and forth. "I know, you didn't mean it." I mean he did, but he couldn't help himself - what else could I say?

"This didn't start out directed at me. Tell me what happened? I saw a girl running from the dressing room. She looked really upset."

"Aw, fuck, Lars. We had a few drinks together. She came back here with me and we tried to get it on. I guess I had too much to drink because nothing was happening. The bitch started saying some shit - and I lost it."

"It's okay, it happens to all guys," I soothed. "Especially when they drink too much." ...or go with chicks when they really don't want to, I added silently. Why didn't James see what I did?

"It's happened to you?" He sounded sorta surprised that I knew what I was talking about.

"Fuck, yeah. More then once actually." I laughed but fuck, it hurt. I reached up and wiped the blood away that had started flowing again. . "But you can't take your anger out on the fans. Alright?"

He nodded, then continued to babble on and on about why he hurt me and that he was sorry. I was sure it was mostly the liquor talking and he really wasn't making much sense. I held him close until he seemed to calm down a bit. I knew, now, more then ever, I'd have to be there for him. I mean it was all right for him to take things out on me, but he couldn't do that to anyone else. I could take it. A chick couldn't

Finally, when his body relaxed a bit, I told him Cliff had left and led him out to the van so we could get back to the hotel. Kirk drove and no one really said anything. James was silent and Kirk looked at me questioningly but said nothing.

Kirk helped me support James and bring him to our room. He put his hand on my arm and looked at me, his eyes understanding. "I'm here if you need me," he whispered, then he reached up and wiped the blood from my lip. He had this sad look on his face and he went to his room.

Fuck, this was a mess. James started to change and got into bed. I didn't want to be anywhere near him right now. I was pissed off and had a few calls to make, so I got on the phone and started taking care of a few things. Fuck, I was always taking care of the scheduling, the gigs and getting our music out to the fans. I fucking loved it, loved the work. Sure it kept me busy, but I didn't care, it kept my minds off the beatings. I wanted to make damn sure James was asleep, before I got into that bed tonight.

The fucker finally fell asleep, which was great, 'cause I could hardly keep my eyes open. I climbed in beside him and, like so many other nights, I just lay there looking at him, wondering why I kept on taking all this shit. I knew what was in my heart. I didn't want to lose him, didn't want him to become a monster like Jones. But he was getting worse, not better. Maybe I needed to change the way I was looking at this? I decided, the next time James decided to jerk off, I was going to do something about it. Now, if I could just get up the courage...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Fuck, James must have had another dream. He bolted upright in bed, his fist smashing into my side and waking me. He got out of bed and flicked the light on in the bathroom. I was careful not to move. I really didn't want him to know I was awake; my body was too sore and I didn't feel like being punched around anymore tonight. After a while, he came back to bed. I could feel him staring at me, then I felt him lay back down. Relief flooded my body and I hoped he go back to sleep.

Shit, I could feel the bed moving as James started stroking himself. Now what do I do? Do I take a chance, try and show him I love him? Do I let him know that things could be different between us? My heart raced and I broke out in a cold sweat. Shit, I was scared but finally, drew in a deep breath  
And turned. I reached over, pressing my body against his. "James? Let me help you? Please? Let me do this for you?" God, I could hardly say the words, I was so scared. I felt him tense. Right there, I knew this wasn't going to go well.

He turned on me, pinning me down to the bed, sitting on top of me. Then he started smacking me. All the while, he was screaming at me. I remember my left ear started ringing and I was getting dizzy. I cried out over and over, begging him to stop; trying to block his slaps with my hands, but it was useless. He connected with one solid punch and I was really disoriented for a minute.

Then I started to panic even more as he pulled me over onto my stomach. Fuck no! He was gonna rape me. It was all going to happen again. I'd tried to reach out to him and he was gonna fucking hurt me. I fought harder, screaming out in pain as he rammed into me... No! God, James... No. God, it hurt so badly.

"Fucker! Take it! "Isn't this what you always needed from me? What you wanted? Why are you struggling?"

He rammed into me again. "Fuck... please stop... no," I screamed, to no avail. I grabbed the sheets and screamed into the pillow. He rammed me a few more times and I felt his cock pulse inside of me, then he came and pulled out of me.

I felt his come and my blood, running down my leg. I looked at him, fear and panic filled me; I had to get away... had to leave. I looked toward the door then back to James He was punching the wall and I made my move. I ran out of the room into the hall. Fuck, I didn't even care I had no clothes on.  
I could only think of one thing - I needed help. I ran to Kirk.

"Kirk." I pounded on the door. "Kirk please... please open up," I collapsed against the door, unable to hold myself up any longer. I heard the lock open and felt the door give way. I fell into his room and the last thing I remember was seeing his face above mine, then hearing him whisper. "Oh fuck. What did that prick do to you?" then I blacked out.

I felt a cool cloth against my face as I slowly started to come around again. I tried to open my eyes but my right one was swollen shut.

"Here, hold this against your eye." Kirk handed me some ice cubes in a plastic bag. Then he wrung out the washcloth and continued to wash the blood from my body. "You wanna tell me what happened?"

I nodded, then groaned as I started aching at the movement.

"It's about time. Most of this, I've figured out for myself. James gets off on pain and likes to use you as a punching bag. Am I right?" I nodded again. "Until tonight he never did anything to you sexually. Right?" Kirk continued.

I looked at him in surprise. "Ja. How did you know?"

"I've seen the bruises, Uli, but tonight I saw the blood. I was afraid this would happen. He tore you up pretty bad."

"I tried to be there for him, tried to show him it didn't have to hurt to be good. I...I...can't reach him." I had finally said the words out loud; I had lost - James was lost to me forever. Tears formed in my eyes.

Kirk smoothed my hair away from my face. "Was he abused as a kid?"

I nodded again feeling dizzy.

He handed me four pills and a glass of water. "Here, take these. They'll help the pain."

I quickly swallowed them down and handed the glass back to him, then I started to cry. Kirk moved next to me and put his arm around me. "It's okay, baby. You're here and you're safe. James isn't going to come here tonight. I promise."

My body just shook uncontrollably as I cried. I couldn't help it. I didn't want to be a baby, didn't want to cry anymore, but I just couldn't stop. I curled into Kirk's arms and cuddled as close to him as possible. His warmth comforted me. When I turned, I noticed there wasn't much pain where  
James had torn me up inside. "Kirk, how come it doesn't hurt so much?"

"I had some ointment and used it. It kinda kills the pain. A doctor gave it to me, a long time ago when I really needed it." He blushed. "I hope you don't mind me putting it there, I - didn't want to wait until you woke up."

"You mean you had the same thing happen to you?"

"Not exactly. When you look like I do and like men and women, things like that can happen really easily. I like sex and I like to experiment and some of my partners weren't very caring. So, now, I choose my partners better." He leaned forward and kissed me on the head. "Like you, Lars. Let me make you forget what he did to you. Please?"

I pulled away from him. "Kirk I... I can't."

He pushed me gently down onto the pillow. "I don't wanna fuck you, Uli." He grinned. "Just let me make 'you' feel good. All this time, you put up with all this shit. He's a selfish bastard. If he cared about you, he wouldn't have done this. You do so much for the band, you've become a good friend to me, and I want to do something - just for you."

He was so beautiful, how could I refuse him? Kirk reached down and started to stroke my cock and I was lost. All the while, Kirk was planting soft kisses on my lips and neck, carefully avoiding any of the bruises. God, he was so fucking beautiful and gentle and he was making me forget about my pain. He slowly started moving down, nipping and sucking on my chest and my nipples.

"You'd look great with that pierced, Uli. It makes it so fucking sensitive too." He nipped and sucked more at the nipple. Fuck, I arched my hips in response, pushing my cock into his hand. He was so fucking horny, his voice wrapped around me like velvet.

He continued moving down and played with my bellybutton and licked my hips, sucking and licking all the way down to my cock, running his tongue slowly over the head and then down the length. "Fuck, that feels so good," I moaned.

He started kissing my cock. Imagining what those lips looked like on my cock made it twitch. "Hmmm... I like that response," Kirk said, laughing against it. The sensation sent shivers through my body.

"This is torture, you know,"

"Yes it is, but isn't it delightful torture?" Kirk said, then he put his hand at the base of my cock and pulled it back, so it was standing straight up. "Fuck me, Uli, you're really big! I'm not sure I can get all of that down my throat - but it's sure gonna be hell of a lot of fun, trying."

Those were his last words as he slowly slid his mouth over my cock. My hips bucked forward and he pushed them down softly. He started working his mouth back and forth, using his hand as he went up and down. Fuck, the feeling was amazing. He kept working on me with his mouth, then he moved his hand down and started playing with my balls. Lord, this was heaven.

"Kirk, let me touch you," I begged, wanting to give him some kind of pleasure. He shifted his body around, so I could reach his cock. I lightly ran my fingers over the entire length. I felt him shiver again as I grasped it and started working my hand back and forth.

It didn't take much longer. I could feel the warmth building up in my balls. I felt Kirk take most of me down his throat. The suction was incredible as he continued to rub my balls gently. I moved my hand faster and faster and thrust my hips into his mouth, moaning his name as I came.

He swallowed it all and sucked the head hard one last time, sending me over the edge. I loosed my grip on his cock and he wrapped his hand around mine, pulling a few times. I felt his body shudder as he came, his seed covering my stomach.

He quickly moved up and kissed me lightly, not hard, his breath still coming in short pants. "Stay with me. Don't leave tonight. Stay as long as you want to."

"I..."

He put his finger over my lips. "No, I mean it. I want you to stay with me for as long as you need to. I'm not asking for anything more. You deserve to be loved and cared for. I want to do that for you. Do you understand?"

"Ja."

"So you will stay - at least for now?"

I nodded, and he smiled. He wrapped his arms around me and the last thing I remember, was a cool washcloth wiping the come off my body, before I fell asleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I really didn't sleep much, tossing and turning all night long. I kept having this nightmare where James raped me again, then he tried to smother me with a pillow. It was awful. I woke up three times in Kirk's arms, him doing his best to sooth and comfort me; holding me tightly. I'd wondered if he had gotten any sleep that night.

It was past noon when Tony, our tour manager, knocked on the door. I jumped about twelve feet in the air. "Relax, Uli. It's only Tony. He called earlier." Kirk said quietly.

I drew in a deep breath and nodded as Kirk got up and went to the door. Tony walked in and took a look at me. "Aw, fuck, Lars. Did you get into a fight last night, too?"

"Fight?"

"Yeah, James just told me he was in a fight last night, messed up his hand a bit. Your face looks like it was in the same fight."

"Ja, James and I were together last night." I went with James' explanation.

"You two need to stay out of trouble. You got that?" Tony chastised, as he held my chin, looking at my face. "There was supposed to be an interview today with some metal magazine. I'll postpone it until tomorrow. You all have the day off, till tonight. Try and rest up a bit."

"Don't worry, Tony, I won't let him out of bed." Kirk winked at me, as he led Tony to the door. I could hear our manager grumbling all the way. Kirk followed him out into the hall for a bit. I didn't know what was going on but I didn't want him telling Tony anything.

When he came back into the room, I was giggling. "So you aren't gonna let me out of bed all day?"

Kirk plopped down beside me. "Nope. We can get room service and just relax."

"That's not what I meant. Besides, we can't afford room service." As always, my mind went back to business and the band.

"Tony said it was okay. You earned a day of total rest. I'll give you a massage if you like?"

"I'd like that. I feel like shit. My arms really ache. I guess I kinda struggled more then I thought."

Kirk scowled. "Turn over."

I flipped onto my stomach. Kirk started working out the kinks in my neck. "You didn't tell Tony anything. Did you?" I asked him finally. I really didn't want to drag anyone from the outside into what was going on.

"No, I didn't, just said you really weren't feeling well, and if he expected you to play tonight, you needed to eat and rest." Kirk got up and went into the bathroom for some lotion. He came back and poured it on my back. "I still would like to know what's behind all of James' hostility."

"I don't want to talk about him. I hate the fucker." Right now, I didn't even want to think of James. I was sick and tired of being his punching bag. "Kirk, I'm thinking of leaving."

"Leaving, like on a vacation, or a break?"

"No, leaving the group. I know it's my life, what I really want; but I can't go on like this."

Kirk turned me over, so I was facing him. "Look, Uli, you don't want to do anything that drastic. Please - I want to help you. Fill me in on what's up with James."

I knew I had to have help making this decision. I didn't want to just throw it all away. I had to trust someone and it had to be Kirk. He ordered us some food and sat down on the bed next to me. I sat there in silence for a long time, in agonies of indecision. Should I trust him with a secret that wasn't mine? I decided I would just tell him the basics. It was all he needed to know, but would explain why James was the way he was.

I took a deep breath. "Well, James had a hard time growing up. His dad was abusive and he was also raped by a preacher - a guy who was a family friend. The dude did some really fucked up shit to him." I looked at Kirk as he turned pale. He closed his eyes and looked really upset, like he knew exactly what James had gone through.

I felt really guilty about going any further. How could I do that to my best friend? He'd be furious if he ever found out that I betrayed his confidence. There was something in Kirk's look that made me go on.

We talked for about a half-hour, then the food came. Kirk handed me a plate of eggs and some coffee. I finished telling him as much as I could. I didn't really go into any great detail. I still felt like I was betraying James. Finally, we finished eating and there was a long silence.

"Well? What should I do? I wonder if I should go and check on him?"

"Are you fucking crazy? First, you're gonna leave the band - you hate his guts and now you want to check on him? Lars, he raped you. You really need to put some distance between the two of you for a while." Kirk was angry about my concern for James.

"I know, but..." I stopped, I couldn't say anymore, Kirk was right. All I knew now, was that I was confused. I didn't want to see James, but I was worried about him... worried and frightened at the same time. What if he wanted to leave?

"He's not gonna leave, if that's what you're worried about," Kirk said on cue, as if reading my mind.

My eyes widened. "Ja? How the fuck did you know what I was thinking?"

Kirk stared at me. "You love him! It's so fucking obvious. Don't let your love for him blind you to what he did. You both need time. Trust me."

He was right. I needed time and I was gonna take as much as possible. "Okay.  
I'll stay away from him for a while."

Kirk smiled. "We'll get Cliff to move in with him for the rest of the tour, You can share with me." He took the plate and the empty coffee cup from me and put them on the cart. He came back to the bed, sat down next to me, then leaned forward and kissed me softly. "Of course..." He kissed me again. "We can even save some money..." and another kiss. "...by sharing one bed." He looked at me, his eyes sparkling. "Fuck me, Uli," he purred.

My cock was getting hard, just at the thought. I smiled and pulled him across me, laying him on the bed and covering him slightly with my body. "You want me to fuck you?"

He nodded and pushed his hips forward, rubbing his cock against me. "I want your cock inside me. Wanna feel you fucking me." I kissed him, my heart racing faster at the very thought of fucking him. I was scared and anxious. Suddenly I had a hard time swallowing. Fuck, I'd never fucked anyone before. I was always the one getting fucked. "Kirk, I think I should tell you I've never fucked anyone before."

Kirk started laughing hysterically. "I think you need to rephrase that, Lars. I've been with you, with all those chicks, remember?"

I shook my head, "No, I mean, I've never fucked a 'guy' before. I've always been - well you know." Shit, I couldn't even bring myself to say it. Until now, I had always been submissive in my relationships. I'd never even thought of fucking a guy. Wasn't that what chicks were for?

He pulled my head towards him and kissed me, his tongue slipping in between my lips. "I'm your first? I think I like that."

I started kissing and sucking on his neck, marking him. I liked the feeling it gave me, to be able to mark someone as mine. He tasted salty and sweet, as I licked down to his nipples and suckled on them. He moaned. The fucker was so hot and responsive; it drove me wild.

"Fuck me, Uli... please," he begged.

"Soon. I want to taste you first." I licked his navel, enjoying his little cries. I think I could get to like being the one in charge. I reached down running my hands on either side of his chest moving them under the band of his sweatpants. I slid them down, exposing his cock.

He shuddered. "My cock is going to burst, touch it."

I licked down to just above his pubes. "Not yet." I sucked and bit down his thigh. He squealed as I ran my tongue lightly along its length.

His eyes blazed. "Fucker, touch me... fuck me," he begged, and I finally decided to stop torturing him.

I kissed him, not really sure what to do next. "Should I use lube?"

"Nightstand..." He pointed and reached down to stroke his cock. I hit his hand away.

"Wait for me." I teased, then coated my fingers with the lube. I remembered that Sean would always prepare me before we fucked. I slid my finger down his ass and he wiggled against me. "You're impatient."

"You don't have to do that. You can just fuck me."

I was a little confused. I'd liked it when Jan and Sean took the time to do this for me. It felt so fucking good when they stroked me inside. "I want to do this. I want you to feel good."

He just looked at me and smiled as I slid my finger deep inside of him. I moved my finger back and forth and then added another and another. I watched as he arched, when I stroked that spot Sean had shown me. Kirk grabbed onto my shoulder and arm and pushed me harder into him. He seemed to want things harder.

I leaned down and kissed him as I stroked that spot again and again. He whimpered into my mouth and I finally took pity on him. I removed my fingers and pushed myself up, stopping for a second. He looked so horny lying there, his hair spread out across the pillow, beads of sweat trickling down his forehead, across his chest; his lips swollen from my kisses. Shit, I was going to come so fast

Kirk opened his legs and I slid my body in between them. He arched his back up and whispered in my ear, "I want your cock inside me - need you." Lifting his legs, he wrapped them tightly around my waist. I could feel the head of my cock at his entrance. I slowly pushed into him, squeezing my hand around the base of my dick to keep from coming. Fuck, he was so tight around me. "Shit, feels so good," I moaned, sliding all the way inside him.

Kirk grabbed onto the sheets and pulled at them with his hands. "Fuck," he gasped.

I started slowly, moving back and forth, pulling all the way out, then slowly entering him again and again. Fuck, this was unbelievable he was so tight, so hot. His ass closed around my cock and I couldn't believe the way the sensations flowed through me. My entire body was on fire Shit, the way he begged me for more, turned me on beyond my wildest fantasy. I had been missing so much and I wanted more.

"Fuck, Uli," he panted. "Oh, yes...fuck me, harder faster." I started moving faster and faster, thrusting hard into him as he pushed himself back to meet my hips. His eyes were wide open... totally black, dilated with pleasure. I leaned forward and placed my hands on either side of his head, wanting to watch his face, wanting him to watch mine as I came inside him.

We were both panting and sweating: my body starting to spasm. His cock was trapped against our stomachs; I could feel the friction as it rubbed between us. I felt it pulse and heard him cry out, as he started to come. I watched his face, the ecstasy as he climaxed. He looked just like he did on stage.

I couldn't hold out any longer. My balls throbbed and I started coming, barely able to support myself on my arms. I yelped as I came deep inside him, my body contorting with spasms, for what seemed like, forever. I started to breathe deeply, trying to get back under control. Finally, I was able to lay my head against his shoulder and relax. Fuck, what had I been missing?

I fell to the bed, hair matted to my face with sweat. Fuck. That was amazing! It felt so fucking good. Jan had always taken me and, well, I liked getting fucked, but Kirk had been so tight, so good, beneath me. Just thinking about what we'd just done, sent shivers down my back.

Right now, I didn't care what was going on outside this room. I drifted off to sleep in Kirk's arms, feeling safe and thinking of myself for a change. What Kirk had shown me, was amazing. I knew I didn't love Kirk in the same way I loved James and probably never would. Still, it felt right... at least for now. I needed what he was giving me. I knew I wouldn't be going anywhere for a while.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

~ Chapter 7 ~

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Damn, the phone rang. I felt Kirk's body lean over me and grab the receiver. He listened for a minute and then mouthed 'It's James' to me. My heart started to race, and my head was pounding. Fuck, what on earth did he want? Kirk just smiled coldly and talked very calmly.

"Yeah, he's here. He's sleeping, but I'll wake him up; we'll be down in about fifteen minutes. Um...James, Lars is going to be staying with me for the rest of the tour. I'm sure you don't have any problems with that, right? No. Good, we'll be down in a few." He hung up the phone.

"What'd he say?" I watched Kirk as he got out of the bed and went through his drawers. He pulled out a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, then tossed them to me.

"Put these on. James said they're ready to head out for sound check, so we should get our asses downstairs."

I started to dress wondering what the fuck James said to Kirk. Why wouldn't he tell me? "No dick, I mean about my staying with you."

"He said, 'no problem'. Those were his exact words."

"Oh." Fuck, for some reason I wished it wasn't just that easy for him. Fuck, I shouldn't let him get to me like that. I fucking refused to let a bastard like James under my skin. I know that it's over. But still, it would have been nice if after everything I'd done for him, he'd fought just a motherfucking little bit more

"You sound disappointed, Uli."

"No. Why should I be? I want the fucker to stay away from me. The further, the better."

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

Kirk pulled on his jeans without bothering to put on any underwear. Damn, that was hot.

"What the fuck does that mean?" Sometimes Kirk got all poetic and shit, and he totally lost me. I pulled on the shirt and looked at the pants. He looked at me questioningly. "Don't you wear underwear?" I asked him.

Kirk laughed. "Not if I can help it. Hold on." Kirk left the room and came back five minutes later with my clothes.

"How'd you manage that so fast?"

"Found a maid and sweet talked her. She recognized me from yesterday, knew I was in the band, and then just let me into James' room." He handed me my bag, and I finished dressing. I went into the bathroom took a piss and washed up a bit, then walked into the main room. Kirk was brushing out his hair. He looked great, all pouty and hot. Shit, I wanted to fuck him again. My cock was hard and getting harder by the minute.

"We don't have time."

"What?"

"We don't have time to fuck now, but after the concert I'll make it up to you." Kirk said and kissed me on the nose. He grabbed my hand and led me out the door.

Fuck, how the hell did he know what I was thinking? Was I that obvious? The elevator took forever to come so I decided to ask him. "Am I like a good book?"

Kirk looked at me kind of odd for a second then started laughing. "You mean easy to read?"

"Ja, how did you know I wanted to fuck you?"

He pointed to my crotch. "It's not easy to hide that, Uli." We both started laughing and the doors opened, and I stopped dead. James was in the elevator.

"It's about time. I was coming up for you two dicks." I looked at him. He had on dark sunglasses, but I could tell he wasn't looking at me. He looked like he was talking directly to Kirk.

Kirk moved into the elevator, and I followed behind him, staying as close to the door as possible. I jumped when Kirk started talking.

"I told you we'd be right down. I had to get Lars' clothes for him so he could change. He didn't have any with him last night. I'm sure you remember last night, James," Kirk really snapped back at him. I had never seen him act that way before, especially with James.

I expected him to start screaming and yelling at Kirk any minute, instead he just turned away. "Fine. Well, let's get moving," was all he said as he punched the elevator button, and the door closed.

Fuck, James didn't say anything else all the way over to the concert hall. Nothing. He avoided us by sitting in the front of the van. When we got there, he told me he wanted to go over the next few weeks' schedule with Tony and me after sound check. That was it. The fucker beat me and raped me, and he didn't have anything to say to me. It was just business as usual. I nodded to him so he knew I had heard what he said, and I went to settle in at my kit for sound check.

It went well, for the most part. I missed some of my cues, I expected James to freak out. Instead he kept his shades on through the whole thing, staring me down. It was unnerving. I couldn't figure out what he was thinking and that scared me even more than if he actually yelled at me.

I just couldn't seem to concentrate. We had started playing larger clubs and some really small arenas. Fuck, we'd play anywhere and everywhere. If they wanted us -- we'd come. This gig really meant a lot to us. It was a larger arena, one that held 15,000 kids; it had sold out in just a few hours once the tickets went on sale. It was so fucking cool. I should have been excited beyond my wildest dreams; instead all I could think of was how coldly James was treating me. It was as if 'I' had done something wrong.

We had finished the check, and I was heading back to the dressing rooms when I felt someone grab my arm.

"Lars...Lars. Damn it, Lars are you here?"

"Huh? What, James...uh...I'm sorry I was just thinking." Sorry? Did I say sorry? Why the hell was I apologizing to him?

"Well you better get your fucking mind on business here, dick. Tonight's important."

I don't know what came over me. I pulled my arm out of his grip. I just took my finger and jabbed it into his chest and screamed at him. "Don't fucking worry, James. When the time comes I'll give it all I got. The band is all that matters to me." I turned to leave and saw Kirk standing there watching us. I turned back to James; he had started to walk away, so I grabbed him this time. "Just one thing, pikslikker. Keep your sick fucking hands off of me! Got that? I don't belong to you. I don't want you fucking touching me, ever again." I pushed him back into the wall and walked into the dressing room. Kirk followed me in and closed the door.

"Fuck!" I started banging the flight cases and ripping things off of the walls. I must have done some heavy damage, and then I collapsed on the sofa and started shaking and sobbing. I felt Kirk's arms go around me, and he held me tight "Shhhh....It'll be alright, Uli. You stood up to him. It's a start."

"Ja, the beginning of the end," I sobbed and pulled Kirk closer to me. "Hold me, Hamlet. Hold me tight and don't let go."

I felt Kirk's grip tighten and settled myself against him. I guess I fell asleep 'cause the next thing I knew he was sitting next to me and offering me a plate of food.

"Not hungry." I pushed the plate away and put my arm over my eyes.

"I don't really care if you aren't hungry. You have to eat before the show or you'll collapse. Now get the fuck up Ulrich and eat!" Shit, that was Cliff's voice. Damn, the fucker didn't often say much, but when he did I guess we all listened. I opened my eyes and he was standing above me.

"Hej, Cliff."

"Hey, yourself man. Now get up and eat. We got a show to do. I need to get stoned and can't be worrying that you're gonna pass out halfway through...ruins the groove I got going." Cliff smiled.

I nodded and took the plate from Kirk. "Thanks," I said to them both.

"No problem, man," Cliff said and walked over to his case. He started getting ready. I could see James standing beside his. Still wearing, dark glasses and he was staring at us, arms crossed, not saying anything. I decided to concentrate on my food and start thinking about the gig.

It worked because I managed to get through that night concentrating on the music and Kirk's friendship. I was able to get through a hell of a lot more of those nights just like that. James and I found a middle ground; we never talked about that night, we just focused on the band and business and that was it.

You know something...it wasn't as hard as I thought, especially with Kirk by my side. He kept me occupied and kept me happy. Things were actually looking pretty fucking cool. I noticed that James and Cliff seemed to be a lot closer. If I didn't know better I'd say they were getting it on, but James had this weird kinda reverence for the dude. Hell, if it kept him away from Kirk and me, then it was fucking cool as far as I was concerned. Our life on the road had become bearable again and that was cool. Metallica was back on track.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Shit, three months had flown by. Kirk and I were a couple now. We stayed away from fucking anyone else, which was kinda cool. It was nice to belong to someone again, feel wanted. Kirk loved to get fucked, and I loved fucking him. But I could sense he wanted more from me.

He didn't pressure me too much, but he had started to mention that he wanted to fuck me. I kept telling him I wasn't ready, and he'd drop it for a while, then bring it back up when he got the chance. We had a small argument about it one morning while we were waiting in the hotel restaurant for James and Cliff. We were all going to have dinner together and discuss some band shit. We were finally be going overseas in a few months, and I wanted to go over a few things as a group.

We had started to draw some attention, so the restaurant put us in a booth at the back of the dining room. People were always coming up to us asking for autographs and shit. We didn't mind our fans, and they were usually decent about it, so it wasn't too bad; after all they were making us what we were, not some stupid record company or radio station. Those greedy radio suits wouldn't even play our shit. Said it was too fucking long. What did they know? We were going to prove everyone wrong and do it on our own terms.

So there we were, sitting next to each other waiting for the other two guys. The hotel was trying to keep us well hidden, which was nice for a change. We had a few episodes at a couple of other places and were developing a reputation for destroying stuff, especially when we got drunk. Which was most of the time. Well, this hotel was smart; they placed us out of the way of prying eyes. The gig had been really hot tonight, and we were all still riding high.

Kirk was busy trying to make things up to me for this morning. He was kissing my ear and driving me crazy as usual. I usually didn't like us to do anything out in public, but it wasn't a problem 'cause I could see if James or Cliff were coming and stop him really fast.

Cliff knew about Kirk and me. He accidentally walked in on us making out one day. Well, actually, I was giving Kirk head. I asked him not to say anything to James, and as far as I knew, James was totally oblivious to our relationship. To be honest, I kind of went out of my way to hide things. He was losing his temper more and more lately. I just didn't want to make things worse.

"Come on, Uli. Please. I wanna fuck you." He rubbed his hand against my crotch. His voice was all deep and hoarse. "I know you want me. You've been talking in your sleep. Begging me to fuck you. You know you don't have to be afraid of me."

"I - I'm not afraid of you, babe... it's just -- I can't... I'm sorry. Not yet." Kirk made a noise with this tongue and pushed away from me slightly. I could tell he was pissed off, but I didn't care; I wasn't ready and no one was going to force me again. Part of me wanted that to feel that way again. Wanted to get off on having a lover's dick buried in my ass. But anytime I thought about it, I got all tense, and I knew that so long as I did that, there was no way it was going to feel good. Truth be told, part of me got off on being the one to fuck Kirk. It was nice to have that power. But sometimes, after a long day of business shit, I didn't want to come home to that responsibility. I wanted to give it to Kirk. It was just that my body seemed to have other ideas

The waitress was headed our way, and I pulled his hand off of my cock. She sat our drinks on the table and asked if we were ready to order. "We're waiting for two more. It'll be about 20 minutes. The drinks are fine for now," I told her. She looked annoyed and headed over to the kitchen. It was already well past midnight. Guess she was pissed she'd be working late tonight.

I jumped a bit as my lover leaned into my body again. Kirk flicked at his nails and smiled. "Fine for now." He turned on me and grinned evilly. "How much longer before they come down?"

"'Bout ten or fifteen minutes, I guess. They were just finishing up an interview together. Why?"

"I want to do something."

"What?" I laughed. What the fuck was he up to?

"This," Kirk said as he slid underneath the table.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Kirk said something, but I couldn't hear him. I saw the tablecloth slide down toward the floor a little and grabbed for the drinks to keep them from falling. I jumped as I felt his hands reach up and unzip my jeans. Fuck! My cock throbbed.

"Kirk, get the fuck up here. You're crazy!" I called to him, sticking my head under the table as I pushed into his hand. Okay this was not good. My cock was saying yes, even as I said no! There was no way I was going to win this battle.

"No! I want to do this. I've never done this in public before." He grinned pulling my legs forward.

"Kirk, I can't! People can see me, they can't see you!"

"Then you better be a good actor, Uli. Try not to moan when you come. Oh and don't start screaming in Danish." Kirk pulled down the tablecloth, opened my pants, and grabbed my cock, pulling it out quickly. He was playing with the tip, running his fingers and tongue all over it.

Fuck, that felt amazing. I looked around the room. There weren't too many people around, just a few scattered here and there. No one was paying any attention to me. I downed my beer in one gulp and quickly picked up the menu and started looking at it. I figured it would be a good thing to hide behind. Plus I could look over the top and watch out for Cliff and James.

"Morknepper!" I cursed softly and thrust my hips forward as Kirk started to work his mouth and hand back and forth over the length of my cock. Shit, the fact that we were in a public place was so horny. I rested my head against the menu and pushed my cock deep into his mouth. I knew I was going to come soon.

Kirk moaned around it and squeezed my cock tightly at the base. My eyes flared open. The fucker was evil. He wanted this to last and wanted to remind me exactly who was in control. Clearly, it wasn't me. He wanted to make me sweat a little before he let me come. And, damn, it felt so fucking good. My hips were thrusting forward slightly, and Kirk was deep throating me, gently playing with my balls. I had squeezed my eyes tightly shut from the intense feelings going through me, when I opened them, I yelped. Fuck! James and Cliff were heading toward me. I put my hand under the table and pushed Kirk's head away.

"James is coming!" I kicked him and pulled up the tablecloth so I could see his head.

He pushed my leg over to the side. "So what? I'm not stopping 'till you come." He pulled the cloth back down and started sucking me again really hard.

"Dick, I asked you where Kirk is!" James voice was sharp.

"Um...ah..sorry, James. Ahhhh...ahem. Kirk went upstairs for a minute. He said he'd be right down." James nodded and they both sat down.

"Lars, man you okay. You look kinda funny," Cliff asked me.

"Ja! I'm fine, just a bit tired that's all." Fuck. Kirk was going at it harder then before. My cock was so fucking hard, my breathing was coming faster and faster as he pumped me with his mouth and his hand."

"You do look odd," James reached for my forehead and I flinched. "I'm just checking to see if you have a fever, asshole. You look flushed."

I pulled my head away. "No!" Damn, had I yelled that too loudly? I needed to get back in control. I was so close. "I mean no. I'm just tired, I need to rest, that's all. Let's order. I know what Kirk wants." I picked up the menu and pretended to look for something. Resting my head against the edge, I concentrated on what Kirk was doing to me...tracing circles with his tongue. Biting and nipping at my balls and the tip of my cock...I was close, so close. Finally, he slowly went down on me and pumped me with his hand so hard that I exploded down his throat. "Kneppe!" I shouted, and when I looked up James, Cliff and the waitress were staring at me like I was crazy.

"My foot fell asleep," I said quickly and pulled my leg up to rub my foot. The others just looked at me and didn't say anything. We finished ordering, and I felt Kirk pulling at my leg. How the fuck was I supposed to get him out of there?

"Fuck, I gotta piss!" James in his usual crude manner got up and went to the bathroom.

Cliff looked under the table. "You can come up now, Kirklet. James is gone."

Kirk jumped up onto the seat next to me, hugged Cliff, and kissed me.

"Cliff, how the fuck did you know he was down there?"

"He was playing with my leg."

I smacked him. "Kirk you are such a dick!"

He smiled. "That was fun!" I looked down and could see that Kirk was still hard.

"Yeah, fun for me. What about you?" I felt bad that I had just come, and he was still hard as a rock.

"Don't worry about me, you can make it up to me later." Kirk grinned, and I didn't feel so bad anymore.

"Bout time you got down here, dick,"

"James, you're back. Sit down and relax for Christsake!" Cliff chided James, I watched in amazement as he sat down and chugged his beer. Cliff really was a calming influence on James, which suited me just fine.

The food finally came, we finished eating and drinking, then went to the bar and had a few drinks. We discussed the show that night and made a few changes to the set list for the next gig.

James and I actually had been able to talk to one another now for a while, even worked on a few songs together. Something we didn't like to do on the road. But I had a few ideas and he seemed eager to listen to them. It turned into a jamming session we recorded on his Fostex. I was still afraid to be alone with him, but I had asked Cliff if he would hang around whenever we needed to work together. Cliff was really cool about it. He never asked me why, but whenever there was something I needed to do with James, he would just kind of hang around. I never knew if James told Cliff what he did to me. I didn't ask. I was just really glad he was there.

We drank and had a great time singing Karoke in the bar. I was great as usual and got a standing ovation. Of course that was by two very drunken Japanese businessmen who were the only ones left in the bar at that time of night. Finally about two am we stumbled upstairs. I was really feeling good, and I could see Kirk had something on his mind. We all stumbled to our rooms and said goodnight. I managed to slip the key card in the door, and Kirk pushed me inside. He stood there looking at me and chewed on his nail.

"Strip for me, Uli."

I laughed. "What? There's no fucking music to strip to!" Being as drunk as I was, he could have gotten me to run down the hall naked.

Kirk ran his finger across my cheek. "Don't need any music." He pulled me into the bedroom and plopped down on the bed. "I want to watch you take off your clothes for me. Go on," he purred, but there was something in his voice. He sounded strange, different. I was almost afraid not to listen to him. I forced a smile and started to unbutton my shirt.

"That's it, baby. Go nice and slow for me."

"There's no music," I said feeling fucking silly.

Kirk leaned over and turned on the radio that was next to the bed. He found a soft Jazz station and smiled. "Nice. Go on, baby. Slowly. I want to enjoy this."

Kirk walked over and sat on the edge of the bed he leaned back on his elbows and smiled like a cat ready to pounce on his prey. I finished unbuttoning my shirt and slid the sleeves off of my shoulder, letting it hang off of the ends of my arms. I closed my eyes and moved to the music. I jumped slightly as Kirk ran his hands down my arms and pushed the shirt off of the end of my hands. He leaned forward and licked and bit at my nipple.

I moaned and started to grow hard as he licked his way down my stomach. He stopped and I looked down at him questioningly. All he said was, "Keep going." Then he planted one last kiss on my stomach, trailing his tongue over my skin just before he sat back on his haunches as if settling in to watch the rest of the show.

I moved my hands down to the button on my pants and opened them very slowly. Then I lowered the zipper and pushed the pants down to my ankles, bending over seductively as I pushed them off my legs. I wasn't wearing any underwear that night. Kirk didn't like me to wear them all the time. It was a bit uncomfortable at first, but I got use to it really quickly. I grabbed my cock and pulled on it. I was hard as could be. I just wanted Kirk to wrap his lips around it.

"Nice, baby...nice. Come here to me," Kirk ordered, holding his hands out to me. "You're so hot, my little, Uli," Kirk purred as he pulled me down into a long slow kiss. His tongue was so warm and so sweet as it slipped its way around my mouth and over my tongue.

He broke the kiss pushing, my head back. "Undress me."

I nodded and pulled his black T-shirt up over his head. I expected him to unbutton his pants, but he just leaned back against the pillows and lifted his hips slightly. I reached down and started to unbutton his pants. I could feel the head of his cock smooth and hard against my hand. It was already leaking. I unzipped his pants carefully and started to slip them over his hips. Kirk arched up so I could slide them over his ass and down his legs.

"You're making me so hot," he whispered into my ear. Fuck, Kirk was taking total control, and even though I was unsure, it was so fucking hot being told what to do.

I finished pulling his pants off and threw them on the floor. Kirk moved back and leaned against the headboard. He grabbed my arm and pulled me onto the bed. I sat astride his hips and he pulled me into a kiss. "I want you tonight, Lars." It didn't sound like he was asking me.

Fuck, I should have seen this was coming. I shook my head. "I'm not ready, really, I'm not." I tried to pull away, but the fucker was pretty strong. He held me tightly and licked and nipped down my neck.

"You are ready, Lars. You just don't know it. I know you want it. Remember I told you about you calling out for me? Telling me you wanted me to fuck you. Take you hard."

Before I knew what was happening, Kirk flipped me over onto my back. I was now flat on the bed. He was holding my hands above my head and my legs were forced back by his hips. He leaned forward and kissed me. "Relax, you know I'm not going to hurt you, trust me."

I moaned into the kiss, but my heart was racing and my breath came in short pants. I struggled a bit and tried to sit up. Kirk didn't let my arms go, and he continued to kiss me, suck on my neck and chest for a very long time. Our cocks were hard and trapped in between our bodies, rubbing against one another. Fuck, I didn't want to but I could feel my hips grind up against his.

"Don't be frightened of me, Uli. You know you want this. You want me to fuck you." I shook my head no and closed my eyes tightly.

"Kirk, I'm not ready."

"But you are, baby, and you're gonna beg me. I'm not going to let you come until you do." Kirk continued to bite and lick at my neck moving down to my nipples. He now held my arms at my side and moved down to lick at my cock. God this felt so good. He finally forgot about my arms and started to work his hand and mouth up and down my cock.

Kirk looked up at me. "You know I love making you feel good, Uli. I would never hurt you."

I grabbed the sheets and pulled on them as he deep throated me, whimpering as he pulled away again. I really wanted this. Felt so fucking good.

"Pleasure, only pleasure, baby." He licked at my cock with little sweeping strokes, and then stopped looking right at me. "Watch me, baby!" He slipped his fingers into his mouth, and began sucking them. Working them back and forth just like he had with my cock. I shuddered.

Fuck, I was so turned on by what he was doing I just moaned again and opened my legs for him as he slipped a finger slowly into me. He started moving it around, and I could feel the muscles relaxing, feel the warmth spreading through me. At the same time I could feel the fear slipping away. None of that fucking awful pain I felt that night with James. There was trust, and fuck did that feel good.

"You're mine. Aren't you?" He slipped another finger inside, and I bucked as he hit that spot. I saw stars as the feeling of liquid fire spread through me.

"Yes," I whispered.

"Do you want to come?" I bucked hard and whimpered as he added another finger and started licking at my balls.

Fuck! I couldn't even answer so I nodded pushing his head toward my cock.

"No, Uli tell me what you want." Kirk's voice was soft and hypnotic.

"Y...yes I want to come...please."

"Good baby!" He pulled his fingers from me, and I jerked suddenly. Fuck I wanted them back inside me.

"How do you want me to make you come?" Kirk moved away from me, and I whimpered. He leaned over to the nightstand and opened a tube of KY. He was so hot and horny perched above me, slowly smearing the lube on his cock, back and forth with his hand. His long curly hair hanging softly down his shoulders, his lips swollen and full. "Tell me."

Pulling him down on top of me, I wrapped my legs around him and pulled him close to me. "I want you to fuck me...god...please fuck me." I couldn't believe it I was actually begging him even though my mind was screaming no. He smiled and slid his cock along the crack of my ass. I tensed up; he leaned down and licked at my nipple.

"Relax, I promise I'm not gonna hurt you." I could feel his cock pressed against me, rubbing in little circles around my entrance. But that lasted only a few seconds, and then he gently slipped the head inside me.

My entire body tensed, and I tried to pull back. "It hurts, Kirk." Fuck, what's wrong with me I know I want this...need this, but I can't get past the fear...the pain.

"I know it does, baby. You have to relax. You have to let go. Let me in. I want to help you get past this...please," he sounded like he was begging for himself, but when I looked into his eyes, all I could see was concern for me. He was right. I wanted this. I needed to trust him and let him get close to me this way so I could be whole again. I just nodded and blew out my breath trying to relax. I saw him smile and he pushed the rest of his cock into me slowly and smoothly.

When the pain hit me again, I closed my eyes and threw my head back against the pillows. Fuck! Fuck this hurt, yet still felt so good. I wanted all of my fear to just melt away; I could feel myself pushing back against him. Kirk moved slowly and gently.

"Look at me, Uli."

I opened my eyes.

"Trust me?" I nodded. He started to move a little faster. "What do you want, baby?" His hips kept up a steady rhythm until I was bucking against him, pushing myself harder into him.

"More, please. take me!" I begged. Kirk pushed my legs up around his hips. I clamped on tighter as he pushed into me harder and harder. "Fuck, so good, please," I moaned as he reached down and grabbed my cock. He started stroking me as hard. I could hear his breath coming faster and faster.

"Fuck, Uli. I'm coming...come with me, baby." He pulled on my cock two more times, and I grunted as I came, my seed going all over his hand and my chest. Kirk cried out, and I could feel him coming, so I clenched my muscles tightly around him. He whimpered and collapsed on top of me.

Kirk lay there for a while then moved off to the side, slipping his limp cock from me. He just smoothed the hair out of my face as I just stared at the ceiling and breathed heavily. Fuck, he was right I wanted him. I needed this. Needed to know I could trust someone again.

"You okay, Uli?"

I nodded and slipped my head against his chest. Kirk put his arm around me and pulled me closer. "Sleep, baby. We can talk in the morning."

I nodded again, I was too fucking tired to even speak. Fucker wore me out. Within a few seconds I fell soundly asleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

That morning Kirk and I had talked. I was honest with him and told him how much I wanted him. How he really turned me on last night. I guess I enjoyed being submissive to my lovers, more so then fucking them. I was glad Kirk forced me into relaxing letting me see I could trust someone again.

Things were really good now, and we both took turns being in control depending on how the mood struck us. Kirk was a kinky fucker and tried to get me into bondage and spanking and shit like that, but I didn't really go for that, so he didn't press me.

The rest of the tour was fucking awesome. We were amazing and had such a good fucking time. Things began to get a little crazy. When James and I insisted on a break, our management agreed. We had two months to finish up in the states, and then we were headed overseas to Switzerland and Denmark. I was looking forward to getting on the road over there. Before all this traveling started it would be good to see our families again.

We decided to go back to San Francisco. We were going to visit family and friends and then crash at that little house we had rented. It was a dive, but we had some great times there. We decided on a big party to celebrate before we had to go back out on the road.

James had taken his pick-up and gone off to his dad's house in LA, which kind of surprised me, but I didn't say anything. Cliff went to his parents. He has the greatest mom and dad they are they're both very cool. Kirk spent two days at his mom's place. She insisted on driving over to get him. So Torben paid and I flew down to his place. I missed him and seeing him would be really cool.   
Kirk and I planned to come back to our little house before the others, so we could have a day and night together before the guys showed up. We planned to fuck each other into next week. Cliff was due back in two days and James in three. There was one big interview that James and Cliff had to do on Friday, then we would have the party and go back on the road the following Monday.

I had gotten back to the house before Kirk did. We shared a room there, but I wanted to clean up the place a bit and get some food for us. I finished cleaning things up and decided to take a shower. Fuck, I was sweaty. I threw my clothes off into the corner and jumped into the hot shower. The water really felt great running over my tired muscles. I started to think of Kirk and what I wanted to do to him, and my cock got hard. I reached down and started to jerk myself off thinking it was Kirk's hand bringing me off.

"Need a hand with that?"

I jumped a mile. "Fuck! Kirk! Don't do that, you'll give me a fucking heart attack." I covered my heart with my hand.

Kirk just giggled. "You looked so hot doing that I almost didn't say anything."

"Fuck, we need to get a shower curtain and a lock on that damn door." I snarled then playfully grabbed Kirk, pulling him into the shower clothes and all. He reached down and continued to jerk me off until I came moaning his name.

We quickly moved out of the shower and got rid of Kirk's wet clothes. Kirk pushed me back on the bed and smiled. "I wanna try something on you, Uli." He grinned.

"Umm...should I be worried?"

"Nope, nothing kinky, just feels really nice." Kirk pushed me against the headboard and leaned down and started licking and nipping at my thighs.

I started giggling. "Damn, Hamlet you know I'm ticklish."

"This is gonna be good then." Kirk pushed my legs back to that my knees were resting comfortably on my chest. He left his warm hands resting on my calves, stroking softly and almost absentmindedly as he began lapping at my balls.

He pushed my hips up a bit and stuck a pillow under my ass. For some damn reason I tensed up a bit being in such an open position. I guess Kirk could tell because I the next thing I know he's telling me to, "Relax, Uli," I leaned against the back of the headboard and blew out my breath going as limp as I could.

Kirk then started licking down from my balls toward my ass. God, his tongue felt so warm and hot. He continued to lick downward, and he started licking and sucking around my opening. Then he stuck his tongue inside me and started pushing in as deep as he could. "Fuck!" I moaned and pushed my hips forward. It felt fucking unbelievable.

Kirk looked up at me. "Like that?"

I was panting so hard I just managed to nod. Kirk smiled and went back to work; licking and sucking me until I felt like my body was on fire. Finally, he grabbed my cock and started milking me, as his tongue continued to fuck me. He made me come so hard I was sweating again in just minutes. We made love like that all afternoon. I fucked him and he fucked me. Finally around ten that night, covered in cum, we fell asleep in each other arms.

Just before I fell asleep, I thought I heard a noise. I listened but didn't hear it again so I settled down in Kirk's arms. I felt so protected and safe there I finally started to feel like I could be with Kirk forever.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Chapter 8

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

"Kirk! Lars! Where the fuck are you?" That was Cliff's voice, shouting from down stairs. Fuck was it morning already? I ran to the bedroom door it was slightly opened. "We'll be right down, Cliff," I yelled to him and closed the door. "I could have sworn I shut this."

"What?" Kirk's voice called from behind me. I turned to look at him. He was pulling on a T-shirt. "Nothing I just thought I shut the door. Last night."

"You did, but it probably opened from the wind. You know how these old houses are." Kirk moved passed me. "Want breakfast?"

"Ja, I'm just gonna clean up and I'll be right down." Kirk nodded and went off down the stairs. I went and got my clothes and shit for my shower, and walked over to the bathroom. I walked straight into James coming out of it and I jumped a mile again. "Fuck, shit what is it with you guys scaring me?"

James just laughed. "You're a puss, Ulrich."

"Yeah, yeah. Hey James, you're both back early, I thought you weren't coming in till the day after tomorrow. When did you get here?"

"Just walked in with Cliff. I...um...met him on the steps of the house. We came in together. I passed Kirk on the stairway coming up here. Why?"

"Nothing, I was just curious, that's all." I smiled and went into the bathroom.

The last thing I needed was James to start asking me anything about Kirk. There was no way I wanted James to know about our relationship if I could help it. I didn't want him mad at Kirk, or me for that matter; I don't know why but I felt things were safer that way.

When I thought about things and being on the road for the next few months I started to realize one thing, that if James eventually found out about Kirk and me, he'd just have to deal with it, and I'd have to relax more about my relationships. I wanted to talk to Kirk and find out how he felt about it first, and then we could decide what to do together.

I came down to breakfast and the others were already eating. I grabbed a plate of food and sat down. "So James why did you come back early?" I asked in between mouthfuls.

"Tony called me, said the interview was moved up to today, and it included the interview and some big dinner and award crap." James really looked pissed off. "Told me to meet Cliff back here and a car would pick us up at noon and bring us back around midnight."

"Fuck, that's a long day!" Cliff grumbled. "Lars, why can't you go? You live for shit like this."

I shook my head. "No fucking way man, I did the last four; it's your turn."

"Besides a little public relations is good for the two of you," Kirk added laughing. "You can't always send the pretty ones."

"Dick!" James growled at Kirk and stood up looking at his watch. "I'm not feeling very well I'm gonna go lie down. Lars wake me when the car gets here."

"Sure thing man, no problem." I called after him. He had already started up the stairs headed for his room.

Kirk and I went shopping for all the booze and shit for the party. We got back in at around eleven thirty and Kirk complained he was all sweaty so he jumped into the shower.

I sat down to do some paperwork and heard a horn honking outside. Fuck it was the limo. I'd forgotten all about that. I ran back to the TV room and got Cliff and ran upstairs to get James. "He was still lying in bed; his back to the door. "James, the limo is here."

He moaned and moved a bit but wouldn't turn around. "Ah...Lars I don't really feel well, could you go - please?"

"Shit James, I'm a mess." Fuck I didn't want to do this, but he did sound awful and he just wasn't acting right.

"Look man, I'm sorry, I'll owe you one. Just get changed really fast the limo will wait."

"Fine, I'll change and tell Kirk I'm going."

"No! Go on you'll be late, I'll tell him," I looked at James.

"Okay, thanks. I'll see you tonight."

"Yeah, later man, and thanks. I really need to take care of this...stomach problem."

"Sure, just feel better. Night." I left and closed the door behind me. I changed and ran downstairs and got into the limo.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"The fucker tricked you into going?" Cliff asked.

"Nah he said he was..."

"Sick, his stomach was bothering him!" Cliff interrupted.

"That prick! I'll kill him."

"No you won't; you'll forgive him like you always do." I laughed at him...he was right. "Lars, you want to tell me what happened between you and James a few months back? That day the two of you supposedly got into a fight with some other guys. Is that what really happened? I'll listen and I won't judge."

I looked at Cliff for a long time and decided I could trust him. We spent the next hour in a traffic jam and I explained everything that had happened that night and afterwards to him. He looked really upset. "You okay Cliff?"

"Yeah man, I'm okay. I just misunderstood some things." He leaned back and rubbed at his long legs. "I only hope some day I can help fix what I may have messed up."

"Cliff, did you do any drugs tonight? You aren't making any sense." I was really confused.

"Nah, I'm straight but I really can't wait for this party tomorrow. It should be great! Like the old times, we're gonna thrash the place."

"Fuckin'a!" I nodded and smiled as the limo pulled up to the studios. "We're here. All pretty smiles now," I told him as we piled out of the limo and into the building. We stopped along the way to sign a few autographs for some of the fans that were hanging outside of the studio then we went inside.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Fuck that took longer then James had said. It was two am and we were just getting into the limo and heading home. It would be another hour before we got there. Shit, I was beat and Cliff was already sleeping beside me.

I started thinking about Kirk and couldn't wait to get home and wake him up, my way. I thought about him as I fell asleep in the back.

I woke up when I heard the driver's voice. "We're here sir."

Fuck. I sat up. I had fallen asleep on Cliff's lap and was sore and stiff. I reached over and shook him.

"Wake up sleepy head. We're home."

"Shit, I'm coming," he grumbled and followed me out of the car.

I helped him up the stairs and guided him into the room he shared with James. "Thanks, man. See you tomorrow," he whispered.

"Ja, night, Cliff." I went down the hall and took a piss then went to our room. Kirk was curled up on the bed sleeping. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him softly on the neck.

"No!" He jumped up startled.

"Shhhh babe, it's okay. It's only me. You must've had a bad dream."

"Yeah, a bad dream." He shuddered and I held him tightly.

He shifted and I leaned into him. I could feel his hair was really wet. "Babe, your hair's still wet. Didn't you take your shower hours ago?"

He nodded. "I took another one...I helped James move the furniture out of the house for tomorrow and got really sweaty again."

I laughed. "So the fucker wasn't sick?"

"Is that what he told you?"

"Ja, he told me he was really sick and I believed him."

"Why didn't you tell me you were leaving, Uli?"

"I was rushed and he said he would tell you for me. Kirk, is something wrong?" I couldn't put my hand on it, but he didn't look right.

"No, babe. I'm just not feeling well myself. Would you hold me so I can fall asleep?"

I nodded. "Sure, come here." I pulled him close to me and we settled back into the pillows. "Night, babe."

"Night, Lars. Love you."

I was stunned, he had never really said that to me before, except in a moment of passion. It was nice to hear it from him this way. "Love you too, babe."

I pulled him closer and waited until his breathing slowed, knowing he was asleep I finally settled down myself wondering what this was all about.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

The next night we partied like the fucking party animals we were...everyone trashed the place. There must have been about fifty guys and girl all crammed into this little house. I had lost track of time and Kirk and James several times over the night. I looked for them and finally found them in the basement, James said they were getting some beer, so I just grabbed the beer from him and waited until Kirk went up stairs ahead of me.

Kirk seemed to be avoiding James for whatever reason. It looked like those two had had a fight while Cliff and I was gone. Kirk was acting really nasty to him. I decided not to get involved unless Kirk said something to me. He didn't, and the rest of the night went great. We had a hell of a time and when it was finally over we totally just crashed where we lay.

I woke up about three in the afternoon and went looking for Kirk. He was in the shower again; James and Cliff were missing as well. I found them outside asleep on the couches. I kicked James and woke him up. "Wake up, dick. We have to clean up and get the house together, we leave early in the morning."

"Fucking, dick," James growled at me. I kicked him again. "All right! I'm coming!" he yelled then got up and we started moving the furniture back inside. It took a while but we got the place fixed up and went out for some food.

James and Kirk were both really quiet. Cliff and I monopolized the entire conversation, which was really odd. I was watching everyone and thought that this week of relaxation was not working very well. Everyone looked really strung out. I couldn't wait for the next day to come. Well come it did, then we were back on the road, before we knew what hit us.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

A month really flew buy fast. I was really busy and one gig started to blur into the next, and each town started to look the same. I think I was getting board with life on the road. I started to do more and more for the band. The guys trusted me and I made sure I took good care of them.

I guess I was also looking for things to do because of Kirk. We use to spend almost every free minute together fucking each other's brains out. Well he started to pull away from me just a little. He would hang out at the parties afterwards and always leave with some chick. He told me it was to keep up appearances. He said that James and him had a fight about him looking too feminine. So I didn't really say too much. I had my share of the tub tarts as well. We would just meet up in our room afterward. It was lately that he would get back so late that I'd already be asleep. I didn't want to say anything just yet. I was sure he was just feeling the pressure of being on the road and hanging with me all the time. I decided to give him some space. I had started doing more and more paperwork and shit to fill in the time I had alone.

It had been a mother of a night. We were on the road all day in a bad thunderstorm and then the concert was canceled because of a fucking national emergency. We had an extra day so we were gonna do the concert tomorrow.

I had worked for a while with Tony; the others had gone back to the hotel to bed down for the night. Everyone left the venue but I had gone back inside because I'd forgotten my briefcase. Hell I was carrying around a shitload of stuff for the band now. Well I had thought everyone had left. I had to pass the locker room to get to the makeshift office we had and I could hear someone yelling.

"Fuck! Yes! Yes!" It sounded like James. I couldn't help myself I stopped and listened.

I heard the voice again. "You like it hard, you slut. You're 'my' slut aren't you?" It 'was' James. At first I thought he was pissed off and yelling at someone, but I listened for a minute and realized he was having sex with someone.

I started to laugh. James had finally gone further with one of the tub tarts then just getting sucked off. But then I thought about it, there had been no show tonight and there were no girls around. It had to be one of the crew, but who? Well curiosity got the best of me and I listened just a bit longer. Then I heard the reply and I knew who it was.

"Yes, James I'm yours...I belong only to you...fuck me harder!" There was a slap and then a moan. "Yes, harder, please...harder. Hurt me...yes!" Then another loud smack.

My heart sank as I recognized the voice. Fuck! How long had this been going on? How long did they both deceive me? I cracked open the door. I had to be sure...had to see if for myself. There they were. James was fucking him; he had him bent over one of the flight cases and was ramming him hard. His ass was red from where James had been hitting him. His arms were tied with ropes and securely bound to the bottom of the case. I focused on his face, and there was a total look of ecstasy on it. He was really enjoying this. They both were.

I softly closed the door and stood up, forgetting my briefcase I ran outside of the stadium and jumped into the car. "Get me to the fucking hotel, now," I barked at the driver. It was still raining hard and I looked out at the lights of the city as I tried to deal with what I saw. I could deal with James, my feelings for him had been over for a long time, but I couldn't deal with 'who' he was fucking. I didn't understand it. He had just been with me this morning. How? Why? I sat there totally lost and confused. "How could you Kirk? I don't understand," I whispered softly.

"We're here, Mr. Ulrich." The drivers voiced called to me and brought me back to my senses.

"Thanks," I said quickly as I ran past him through the rain and into the hotel. I made my way upstairs and started drinking heavily. I just didn't want to deal with the hurt and the betrayal. It all finally had made sense to me. Kirk's lame excuses for coming in late. Not wanting to fuck me until he had showered and changed. The things that had been going on, since we had left our place in San Francisco, were starting to make sense. Damn him! Damn them! Couldn't James leave his hands off of Kirk? The fucking cock sucking slut. And then there was the question that was bothering me the most. Why Kirk and not me? Again I collapsed sobbing into my pillow.

Finally in a drunken haze I pulled off my clothes and fell back into bed. A while later, I felt Kirk crawl into bed with me. He curled up beside me, pressing against me for warmth. I felt him lean over and kiss me; then he settled down and was soon fast asleep. I lay awake all night crying silent tears, totally unsure of what to do. By morning I had reached a decision.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

"Um...Kirk we need to talk." I yelled into the bathroom. He had gotten up early and was showering. I waited until I heard the water stop.

"Sure babe, What is it?" Kirk came out of the bathroom in his jeans and was towel drying his hair. He came and sat on the bed beside me.

"I think we need to end things between us. I mean I don't think things are working out for us, I think we should end it. I can tell you aren't happy; you seem to be looking elsewhere every night."

"Lars, I don't want to hurt you, I care about you; but if that's the way you feel, then fine."

Fine. That's all the fucker can say is fine? I end our relationship and he doesn't even argue just says fine. Fuck him, and fuck James, they deserve each other. "Yeah it's the way I feel. I've put a lot of thought into it."

"Okay, I'll go talk to Cliff and ask him to move in here. I'll bunk with James for the rest of the tour."

"No need to do that. Here." I handed him a hotel key.

"What's this?"

"Your room key. It seems that since we have the record company backing us, we have plenty of money for 'separate' rooms. Tony has explicit orders; from now on we all get our own 'private' suites. No need to share anymore." Kirk looked at the key and took it.

I wasn't going to make it easier for the fuckers, let them have to sneak around for a while longer. I'm sure James wasn't gonna be happy with anyone knowing he was fucking a guy. Didn't fit that macho image he had perfected. "I've already moved your shit there so you don't have to bother."

Kirk walked up to me and ran his hand down my cheek. "I'm sorry that it didn't work for us, Uli," he said quietly before leaving and closing the door behind him.

"So am I Kirk. So am I," I said softly as tears ran down my face.

I went over to the fridge. "Time to get drunk, Ulrich." I opened a bottle of beer. My first of many for that day. Which was a big mistake. We had a gig that night and I was totally wasted. I fucked up so badly that I could barely make it off the stage. James had grabbed me and pulled me around back and threw me into the dressing room. He shoved a flight case against the door and screamed that no one should come inside.

I was shit scared, but figured the worse he could do was kill me, and didn't he already do that when he took Kirk away from me? "What do you want, dick?" Fuck, I was a stupid drunk.

"You're drunk you fucking puss!"

"So what? You fucking drink all of the time, and Cliff is always high as a kite." I was standing next to him pointing my finger into his chest again. I could see him grinding his jaw together and his hands were flexing at his sides.

"Yeah, but we don't fuck everyone else up. We know where to draw the line. Getting totally shit faced is for AFTER the gig!"

I laughed, which was the wrong thing to do. James grabbed me by my hair and pulled me into the showers. The fucker turned on the cold water and held me under it until I turned blue. I screamed like a fucking girl. "James....fuck it's fucking cold...stop...goddamnit!! Fuck!!"

"No way dick, you're gonna sober up then we're gonna talk."

I really didn't want to talk to James that night I did something I probably shouldn't have. I kneed him in the groin. He fell over and grabbed his crotch, and I ran outta there like the place was on fire. I stripped off my wet clothes and robe, threw on a pair of jeans and a shirt and was back at the hotel in the seedy looking bar next door getting drunk before you could say - 'am I evil'. Actually I just fucking didn't care anymore.

I really didn't give a fuck about anyone that night. I wanted to pick up a guy and get laid. That was all I cared about. The bar next door was a leather bar, you found them all over the place in California. Well it didn't take long before I found someone who's tongue was down my throat and looking for somewhere else to put it.

His name was Chris and I have to admit he was a scary looking guy. He was covered in tattoos and had several piercing. I was mesmerized by the one in his tongue and wondered what it would feel like on my cock. We were getting ready to leave, and I had already asked him back to my room and we were just finishing the drink I brought for us, when James and Kirk came into the bar.

James walked over to me and gave Chris the once over. "Lars, I want you to come with me, now."

"Fuck you, Hetfield I don't belong to you, remember?" I got up and threw a twenty on the bar.

"Lars, I don't care who you fuck, but this guy looks like trouble," he whispered. "You're too drunk to realize this."

"Stay out of my life, dick." I pushed past James. "Come on Chris let's go it's getting crowded in here." I took him by the hand and walked past Kirk and out the door.

We ran through the hotel and made it up to my room really quickly. Chris pulled me into the bedroom and pushed me down on the bed. He took off his belt and looped it over his hand. He started pounding his fist into his palm. "You should've listened to your friend downstairs."

I just sat there too frightened to move, but I wanted it. I wanted to be hurt and feel the pain. That's all that mattered to me right now. Then I saw him go flying backward as he was pulled through the bedroom door out into the main suite. I ran out there just in time to see James' fist come crashing into his face, he turned Chris around and kicked him out of the door.

"James, what the fuck are you doing?" I yelled at him and saw Cliff enter my room with Kirk close behind him; he stayed by the door while Cliff walked over to James and me.

"What do you mean? I was getting that sick fucker out of here. He was going to hurt you."

"James, you're an ass. I know what he was going to do. Didn't you ever stop to think that maybe I wanted it?"

"You're too fucking drunk to know what you want, Ulrich. As long as we are in the band together I'm not going to let anyone hurt you."

"No, that's your job James, isn't it?"

"What?"

"Okay...that's it ENOUGH!" Cliff yelled. "It's late and before the hotel throws us out, I think James should leave, and I should get Lars into bed."

I started to laugh. "But I don't want to go to bed with you, Cliff. You're really nice and all but you aren't my type. You're straight," I giggled.

I saw Cliff turn to Kirk and nod. "Come on, James. Cliff will take good care of him. Let's go."

"Yeah, you go on you two...go ahead now...leave. The both of you together, you belong together." I called after the fuckers. I hated them both so much right then, but I was really starting to feel sick, and Cliff pulled me into the bathroom. I could hear the outer door shut as they left, then I puked my guts up all over the place. "Fuck, Cliff I made a mess didn't I?"

"You sure did, man. Now let's get you into bed so I can clean it up."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

The next morning I had a fucker of a headache. James insisted that we get together and talk. He told Cliff that there was no way around this one. I really didn't want to see him so I bolted my door and I stayed in bed all day. We had a few more shows to do on the east coast, then we were leaving next week to go overseas. I couldn't avoid him forever, so after talking to Cliff I agreed to talk to James. Alone.

The next day, James came into my room and sat down on the couch. I watched him from the bedroom for a bit. Damn, he was beautiful. Out of all of us James had finally grown up a bit, he was starting to look different. Stronger, the rest of us [still] looked like little boys, but James could hold anyone mesmerized. People sat up and took notice when he came into a room.

"You gonna stare at me all day or come out, dick?"

I walked through the door and smiled. "I wasn't staring, just preparing myself for what's to come. Want some coffee?" James nodded and I poured two cups and handed him one. "You wanted to talk, so talk,"

James sighed. "Lars, no matter what has happened between us. I will not let you do to yourself what you were trying to do last night."

"You know what I was trying to do?"

"Yeah, I've done it myself. I uh...understand what you were looking for. But as long as we're friends, I'm not gonna let anyone do anything like that to you. You've been through too much with all that shit that happened in England."

"You don't have to baby sit me. I'm old enough to make my own decisions." I hated that the fucker brought that up. Remembering really hurt, but I wasn't giving him the satisfaction of letting him know he made me think.

"This isn't up for discussion, Lars. This one goes down my way, no matter what you say."

Fucker, again he was trying to tell me what to do and run my life. Well fuck him. I wasn't going to argue now, so I pretended to agree. Keep the fucker quiet and off my back. "Fine, I guess you're right. I'll be careful from now on."

He looked at me and smiled. I wasn't sure if he believed me or not, and I didn't really care. I just wanted him to leave so I could pack. He got up and headed for the door. "James, are you happy now? I mean word is you are you're seeing someone, kinda steady." He looked away from me and nodded, careful to avoid my eyes. "I'm happy for you." I looked at him hoping he would tell me he was seeing Kirk, giving him the chance to be straight with me.

"I uh...gotta go. We'll all head over for sound check in about an hour."

He had his chance, he blew it. I nodded "I'll be ready." I watched as he left my room and closed the door behind him. I walked into the bedroom to change knowing tonight was going to be a fucker of a night. After the show I'd grab the first beautiful babe I saw and get laid. That was it, no more of this men shit for me. I was tired of all the crap that went with it. That's the way it was and the way it stayed for the rest of the tour. Work and beautiful women were all that mattered to me. I could see the others watching me when I left the venue that night with two fucking babes. I really didn't care, all I wanted to do was have some fucking fun now and stop worrying about all the bullshit. And I did!

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~

Well we finally made it to Sweden; the flight over was so fucking cool. We happened to get a really early flight out so we would be able to sleep on the plane and do a gig the very next day. Our shit and all of the road crew were already in place. Seems the record company made sure that most of their road crew was hired, we had a say and kept some people on that were important to us. Kirk got to keep his Guitar tech John and I held onto Flemming, my drum roadie. James and Cliff had new guys along, but for the most part it was a whole knew beginning, and we were fucking excited.

The gig was amazing, I knew we had a huge following over here, but the motherfuckers were so fucking into our shit that the vibe coming off of them was awesome. We had left the arena around four a.m. and all of us piled into the busses. The band taking the first one, and Tony and some of the guys taking the second. Our shit followed close behind in a semi.

We were all relaxing and taking it easy. It took a long time to come down from one of these gigs. We had all been joking and playing cards. James had been into some really heavy conversation with Cliff. I had actually heard them yelling about something. It wasn't really at each other, but I could see that James was really upset after they had finished talking. He looked pale and really confused.

The fucking bus was a really shitty converted one and we were all getting ready to bed down for the night. I was hard at work as usual, trying to finish up our next schedule. We would be heading to Japan soon and there were a lot of things to iron out. I don't know what happened but all of as sudden I was being pulled up front and told to pick a card.

"I said pick a card, dick," James growled at me.

"What the fuck for?" I didn't know what was going on.

"No, man I want to pick first." Cliff pushed me aside and drew a card. It was the ace of spades. I picked then Kirk and then James. Well Cliff had the highest card.

"Okay so, Cliff wins. Anyone want to tell me what he wins?" I asked still confused.

"I want your bunk," he said pointing to Kirk.

Kirk threw up his arms and said, "Fine man, whatever I'll sleep up here, It's probably better anyway."

"You dicks bothered me for this? I'm working back here," I grumbled and headed for the coffeepot shaking my head.

Well everyone went to their bunks and I went to mine. Before I slid in, I saw James and Kirk talking. Kirk looked upset, and ran his finger down James cheek. He kissed James softly and headed off to his bunk. I saw James strip off his jeans and climb into one of the lower bunks. Fuck the work, I was tired, and stripped down myself ready to settle into a nice much needed sleep.

FUCK! "What the fuck is that?" I yelled. I could hear the others yelling and screaming. Then it happened. It happened so fast. I could feel the bus skidding. Then the flipping oh god we were going over a cliff. We were all going to die. Then as suddenly as it started flipping the bus came to a halt on its side. We had all been thrown around quite a bit. I could hear the others yelling and I finally found my way outside. Fucker I had broken my toe, so it took me longer to get untwisted from my bunk.

When I got outside I could see Kirk and James. They were screaming at the bus driver. He was trying to get a blanket that was lodged under the bus. I walked over and could finally saw what they were yelling about. It was Cliff, he was pinned under the bus his legs sticking out, and he wasn't moving. Oh Christ, no.

I went to go over by them, and Tony grabbed me. "Lars, I don't think Cliff made it. He's not moving. We've already radioed for help, a crane is on the way to move the bus, but I don't think it will do any good. Keep an eye on James, please." I nodded, I guess he knew that out of all of us I could keep him calm.

I moved alongside of James and started screaming at the diver along with James. All I could hear him say is "Black ice, I hit black ice." Then James took off down the road in his socks and underwear. I started to go after him, but I saw Kirk in total shock and grabbed a blanket from inside the bus and wrapped it around his shoulders. He just stood there eyes wide in shock and trembled. I put my arms around him and held him close.

James would be back soon and I couldn't leave Kirk until he was settled. We stood together watching and waiting for James. About twenty minutes later we saw his form coming toward us. I sighed in relief. James slipped his arm around the other side of Kirk and we walked back to the bus.

So we just waited for the cops and the ambulances. Finally they came and we were able to get the others out of the bus. They went to move Cliff and the bus slipped off the crane and fell back down onto his lifeless body. I had realized that Cliff was already dead earlier, but you never really give up hope...you know till the last minute. Then seeing this happen to him again really threw James over the edge. Finally they managed to pile us into an ambulance and head off to the hospital.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It took a while at the hospital for them to look us all over. I broke my fucking toe, and there were a few busted ribs and broken bones. All and all considering how bad the accident was we were lucky more of us didn't die. Cliff, oh fuck! Why him? Fuck what an awful way to go. All the while I sat there I kept replaying the crash over and over in my mind. Fuck it was awful.

We finally got back to the hotel and went straight for the bar and drank for the next few hours. We were fucking shitfaced, everyone from me down to Tony were drunk as hell. Finally we all headed up to our rooms. It took a while but Tony managed to corral James and John carried Kirk upstairs. Finally, I was able to go into my room and settle down for the night to try and get some sleep, but it wouldn't come. My mind raced like crazy.

Right then I realized that in order for Metallica to stay together I was going to have to take control of things, make sure we stayed on the right path. There was no fucking way Cliff would want us to quit, no fucking way. Cliff, shit I can't believe he's gone. I started to cry.

I hated the thought of facing the morning, just before I closed my eyes I made a wish to any god that was listening that this was a horrible nightmare and when I woke up in the morning that it never happened, that we'd be a band again. Deep down I was realistic and knew it just wasn't to be, but I had to try.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"CLIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFFFF!"

"Cliff....where are you? Cliff!!!!!!"

Fuck, that was James!

"Clifffffffffff"

Shit where was that coming from? I jumped up and ran to the window. James was down on the street, in his fucking underwear, yelling. I grabbed my sneakers and tried to put them on over my broken toe. "Kusse!" I screamed and threw the sneaker against the wall. I gave up and ran downstairs in my socks, grabbing the blanket from the bed as I hurried out of the room. Fuck the elevator wasn't coming fast enough, so I hobbled down the two flights.

There he was standing in the middle of the street bent over holding his stomach screaming. "Cliffffffffff."

I ran up to him then stopped short, I didn't want to frighten him, and he might strike out at me again. "James," I said softly. "James, it's me, Lars." He looked at me, but I could see he really didn't see me. I pulled the blanket around his shoulders. He was shivering and pulled it tightly around himself.

"It's cold out here, Lars," he said his lips blue and his teeth chattered.

"Ja, it's cold. Please come inside with me."

"I can't, I have to find Cliff." James words were slurred and he could hardly stand up. I slid my body under his arm to steady him.

"Please, we know where Cliff is. You aren't going to find him out here. Come inside. Please, Missekat?"

I saw James smile for a split second. "Missekat, I like it when you call me that."

I started for the door. "I know you do, James. Now come on we have to get inside and warm you up before we both freeze to death out here." I felt James tense at my choice of words, but instead of fighting he just nodded and I led him inside.

As we made our way to the front door, I happened to look up; I could see Kirk standing in his window. It looked like he was crying hysterically. Then John came over and put his arm around him and led him away from the window. Why on earth was John with Kirk instead of Kirk being with James tonight?

James moaned and I brought my attention back to him. We finally got through the lobby. The night manager was actually very civil to us and helped me get James upstairs. He sent up some hot tea, and then left my room after offering his condolences over the loss of Cliff.

The loss of Cliff. I thought I would have a few hours without thinking about that, but no such luck. I turned and saw James sitting on the bed just staring looking so lost and alone. I was frightened for him. I poured a cup of the tea and set it on the nightstand. I pulled James up into a sitting position and tried to get him to take a sip.

He shivered and swallowed a small amount. He was still staring into the distance and I pulled the blankets over him and settled us both back against the pillows. His body was cold but he was quickly warming up as I rubbed up and down his arms and legs with my own. He finally relaxed a bit and I went to turn off the light hoping he would finally be able to get some rest.

James screamed "No!" I jumped about ten feet in the air but stopped and just pulled him tighter.

"Okay, I'll leave it on. It's okay." James just nodded and I continued to hold him, and stroke his hair soothingly. I felt him pull his body closer to mine, he held on like he was never going to let go. He was still staring off blankly into the distance, I was really frightened for him.

"It will be alright, Missekat. I promise." I whispered. I wished I believed that myself. Damn I wonder what's going through his mind right now. He seemed so lost...so fragile. I didn't know what to do, so, I just held on as tightly as I could. "I'm here, and I'll never let go. I won't leave you."

"Promise?"

"I promise, Missekat. I'm here. Forever."

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~*

~End


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